[Matthew is worried he's going to get "The Shaft" - a bonus of zero dollars.]
BillSay, Joe, who's the black private dick that's a sex machine for all the chicks?
Bill, I think that would be Shaft.
[Matthew notices and looks up.]
Bill
And who's the cat that won't cop out when there's danger all about?
Again, Bill, we're talkin' 'bout Shaft.
Bill
Damn right.
You know, they say that cat Shaft is one bad mother-
[entering] Hey, what's goin' on?
Bill
We're just talking about Shaft.
Bill
She frenched me, Lisa. We got in the limo, and she was all over me.
I'm sorry, Bill. That must have been very uncomfortable for you.
Bill
You know what it's like? It's like taking your daughter to the fair and buying her cotton candy and winning prizes for her... and then you get on the Ferris wheel and she wants to make out.
Bill
Well, how could she do that to me, Lisa? How could she... french her daddy?
[Beth shows Bill a nude photo of herself, disguised with a paper bag so he won't recognize her]
Bill, what do you think of this photo?
Bill
Who is that?
Oh, it's a friend of mine doing a thesis at NYU, it's a fine arts program.
Bill
Uh-huh. Well, it's an interesting commentary on the objectification of the female form and of course the masks women are forced to wear in our society. If I were the NEA I'd give her five or six grand.
Well, Bill, do you think it's sexy?
Bill
Well, I don't really think that's germane to a discussion of the statement the artist is trying to make.
[Bill walks over to Matthew]
Bill
Beth's showing nudie photos of herself with a paper bag over her head. Check it out.
Bill
You're not in Wisconsin, Dave. The big story isn't about a cow wandering into the town square.
Bill, I worked in Milwaukee, you know. It's a city with a population of a million people.
Bill
So that must have been quite a hubbub when that cow got loose!
[Bill sets up a cubicle around his desk]
Have you thought about how this will make you co-workers feel?
Bill
Actually, one of the great things about the cubicle is not having to think about my co-workers at all.
[Bill arrives at the office with a cane.]
Hi, Bill...something wrong with your leg?
Bill
Not that I'm aware of, but thanks for asking.
If there's nothing wrong with your leg, then why the cane?
Bill
The what?
The cane. Your walking stick.
Bill
Oh, you mean my cane. Picked her up at an antique store over lunch. They say she's over a hundred years old. Hand-carved mahogany with a solid brass tip. What's the matter, Dave? Don't you like my cane?
Again, Bill, why do you have a cane?
Bill
You like my cane, don't you, Catherine?
It's a cane, Bill. Who cares?
Bill
[laughing] You see, it's just like that saying: "Everybody loves a cane."
No, Bill, I believe the saying is "Everybody loves a clown", which is what you look like with that thing.
Bill
Ahh! You're jealous of her, aren't you?
No, Bill, I'm not jealous of her. It's just that it's such an obvious affectation, a desperate bid for attention.
Bill
Maybe. Or maybe I just like canes.
Bill
I have a problem, can we talk in your office?
Bill
Thanks, and for Pete's sake, take that off, it makes you look like a 12 year old...[takes hat off] Oh, I'm sorry, I thought it was the hat.
[The Santa in the lobby has been threating to kill Bill]
Bill
Why are you doing this to me?
SSanta
Do I have your complete attention, Bill McNeal?
Bill
Yes!
SSanta
Good. [Takes off the Santa hat and beard] My name's Sam Belford. I'm a communications major trying to break into broadcasting. I know this is kind of a silly stunt, but you won't soon be forgetting the name Sam Belford, am I right? And now I'd like to present you with a copy of my demo tape.
Bill
You did all this to get me to listen to your demo tape?
Bill
You're gonna go places in this business, son!
Okay, so the most important thing to remember is that we stick together, right? We are a unit. They take all of us, or they take none of us.
Bill
[walking in] Okay people, let's go to Plan B. It's every man for himself!
Listen to me. The last thing we need right now is a power struggle.
Bill
Absolutely, I'm with you.
Bill
All those in favor of maintaining a unified front stay here, those of you who'd like to join my splinter group meet me in the men's room in five minutes.
Bill
I hear you're opening for the great one.
Tell me, where do you get your misguided confidence?
Bill
Not confidence, Dave. Experience. I have spoken in front of dozens of fraternal organizations across this great land of ours.
Bill
Shriners, Lions clubs, Elk lodges. It's like I'm their king or something.
Well, well, well. A kingdom of fat men in mini cars. You must be very proud.
I'm sorry Joe, but I can't let you do this.
Bill
Hang on there buddy. I know a diamond in the rough when I see one.
What are you talking about Bill? You look- You can't just pluck someone off the street and put him behind the microphone.
Bill
Of course you can. How do you think Edward R. Murrow was discovered?
That is not how Edward R. Murrow was discovered.
Bill
Don't try to confuse me with the facts. Joe, don't let this nattering nabob of negativity break your spirit.
Okay, enough fooling around.
Bill
All right. I guess we'll have to agree to disagree on this one. Trying to reason with savages is thirsty business. I'm going to get another cup of coffee.
Joe, I'm sorry, I can't let you do this.
That's okay man, I don't care.
But you got to get somebody in here because we're back on the air in 15 seconds.
Bill just went to the break room.
You gotta get something, I can cover it man. It's no big deal.
Are you sure you know what you're doing?
I just got one question. What's this mean, "You're listening to WYNNYX"?
NewsRadio · 215 quotes
