Joe Garelli quotes from NewsRadio

Joe

There is a very specific way you deal with a woman like that. You get down on your hands and knees and beg her to have sex with you.

Joe

Look, man, I don't care what you say about me, but making fun of alien technology is just stupid.

Joe

I'm rewiring the phones for speed-dial, so like, if you have to call 911 you don't have to push a whole lot of buttons.

Joe

Sexual harassment is no joke, sweet-cans.

Boy, I love a good party. You love a good party, Joe?

Joe

That's why I went to college, sir. That's also why I didn't graduate.

Yeah, me neither. So what? Didn't stop me from building a million-dollar empire. Didn't stop you from becoming a... what do you do again?

Joe

I'm an electrician.

Well, things were different in my day.

Bill

Say, Joe, who's the black private dick that's a sex machine for all the chicks?

Joe

Bill, I think that would be Shaft.

Bill

And who's the cat that won't cop out when there's danger all about?

Joe

Again, Bill, we're talkin' 'bout Shaft.

Bill

Damn right.

Joe

You know, they say that cat Shaft is one bad mother-

Matthew

Shut up, you guys!

[entering] Hey, what's goin' on?

Bill

We're just talking about Shaft.

I can dig it.

Dave

I'm sorry Joe, but I can't let you do this.

Joe

Okay.

Bill

Hang on there buddy. I know a diamond in the rough when I see one.

Dave

What are you talking about Bill? You look- You can't just pluck someone off the street and put him behind the microphone.

Bill

Of course you can. How do you think Edward R. Murrow was discovered?

Dave

That is not how Edward R. Murrow was discovered.

Bill

Don't try to confuse me with the facts. Joe, don't let this nattering nabob of negativity break your spirit.

Dave

Okay, enough fooling around.

Bill

All right. I guess we'll have to agree to disagree on this one. Trying to reason with savages is thirsty business. I'm going to get another cup of coffee.

Dave

Joe, I'm sorry, I can't let you do this.

Joe

That's okay man, I don't care.

Dave

All right. Great.

Joe

But you got to get somebody in here because we're back on the air in 15 seconds.

Dave

Right. Uh-

Joe

Bill just went to the break room.

Dave

Uh-

Joe

You gotta get something, I can cover it man. It's no big deal.

Dave

Are you sure you know what you're doing?

Joe

I just got one question. What's this mean, "You're listening to WYNNYX"?

Dave

That's WNYX, Joe.

Joe

I'm kidding. Relax.

Dave

All right, good luck.

Joe

No problem.

Catherine

Joe, get this off there. Get it off there, okay?

Joe

You can't take something off the Internet.

Catherine

What?

Joe

It's like trying to take pee out of a swimming pool. It's in there, it's in there.

Joe

Can I talk to you for a minute?

Dave

It better be good and it better be fast!

Lisa

I was just about to say that.

Matthew

I took third place in the costume contest last year.

Dave

Really? What was your costume?

Matthew

Motorcycle enthusiast.

Joe

Gay biker.

Beth

So what do you do, keep all your money in a shoebox under your bed?

Joe

Like I'd tell you where I keep my shoebox.

Dave

Joe, why don't you just call in a specialist?

Joe

I am a specialist.

Dave

At what?

Joe

At everything.

Joe

There, I took down all the Christmas decorations and threw away the Christmas tree.

Dave

Great, Joe. Now you can fire Bob Cratchit and kick Tiny Tim in the leg.

Dave

"You suck." "You suck." "Howard Stern rules." "If you can read this you are a dork." "Coupon for one free kiss from Joe if you are a girl." "We need more complaint cards." "Coupon for one free kiss from Joe if you are a guy."

Joe

Hey.

Dave

[pulling out a fortune cookie slip] "You will go on a journey, happy long time." "Matthew is a moron." "No I'm not." "Yes you are." "No I'm not infinity." "Yes you are infinity plus one." And this one, "I have doobie in my funk," which I assume is some sort of reference to the Parliament Funkadelic song, "Chocolate City." Uh, "You got peanut butter in my chocolate. You got chocolate in my peanut butter. Together they taste like crap." "Matthew has been staring at me all day... and I love it." I don't think I get this one, it says, "I try to be good hard-worker-man, but refrigemater so messy, so so messy."

Lisa

I think that one's probably from Milos, the janitor.

Dave

Oh. Refrigem... oh, then that one's legitimate.

Dave

Uh, "Who's the black private dick who's the sex machine with all the chicks."

SHAFT.

Bill

I thought we'd all enjoy that.

Dave

[reading one last card] And, "Help, I'm being held prisoner in a complaint box," which is actually kinda funny.

Is this your counsel?

Joe

Yes, your honor. [conspiratorially] The Master Builder waits at the pyramids.

I beg your pardon?

Joe

I bet you do.