Bill McNeal quotes from NewsRadio

Bill

Dave, don't worry about it. You know what they say: "Mighty oaks from little acorns grow."

Dave

...Thanks, Bill. Do you get all your lines from fortune cookies?

Bill

Envy not that which not need be possessed.

Dave

Thanks, Bill.

Bill

Good fortune happy lucky big time for you and family. That one doesn't make a lot of sense, but it's always stuck with me.

Catherine

This is the most childish stunt you have ever pulled.

Bill

Au contraire, my dear. Gluing your pencils together was the most childish stunt I ever pulled.

Bill

[Reading Dave's memo to Lisa] Oops!

Dave

What?

Bill

This is a word that, in my experience, the ladies don't particularly go for.

Dave

Oh, that's just a typo. It's supposed to read "pushy."

Bill

Even if I did blab your personal life to the world, no one would believe me.

Dave

Why not?

Bill

Because I am widely believed to be an inveterate liar, and rightly so.

Dave

Wait a minute, you carry your contract around?

Bill

At a time like this it doesn't seem so crazy, does it?

Page 15, article 4, paragraph 1.

Bill

"Contract transferable to third party in case of sale, merger, corporate restructuring, liquidation, bankruptcy and/or act of God"--it doesn't say anything about--

Read your act of God, clause and clarification.

Bill

Jimmy James will hereafter and for the purposes of this contract only [realization sets in] be referred to as God.

Dave

Sir, can I see you in my office for a moment?

Bill

I know when I'm not wanted.

Catherine

Then why haven't you left before?

Bill

Hey, guy...

Dave

Bill, at least call him by his name.

My name is Guy.

Dave

[embarrassed pause] Hi, Guy.

Dave

Maybe you should lay off those sandwiches.

Bill

No, that's just it. I finished the last one at 12:41 last night. Ever since, things have been happening to my body.

Dave

Would it be impolite at this point in the conversation to just run away from you?

Bill

I think my system got used to its hourly fix of artificial preservatives. My body has started to age incredibly rapidly.

Dave

No it hasn't.

Bill

Yes it has. We're running out of time, look! Help me, I'm begging you!

Dave

You actually dyed you hair grey to convince me to bring back the sandwich machine?

Bill

Yes, I did! Now do you understand how important this is to me?

Dave

Only if you dyed all your hair grey to match.

Bill

I did!

Bill

They're an acquired taste. Like a good wine or cheese, a sandwich needs to be properly aged. In the olden days, a country squire would age his pheasants for weeks before they were deemed fit for consumption.

Lisa

In the olden days, people used to die of ptomaine poisoning and blamed it on ghosts.

Bill

All this talk about aged lunch meat and ghosts has made me peckish. I'll be at the sandwich machine if I'm needed.

Bill

Mr. Caan!

My father's Mr. Caan. Call me Jimmy.

Bill

Likewise.

I'm sorry. I thought your name was Bill.

Bill

It is. Easy mistake to make.

Bill

You know, the forces of good and evil are constantly at war for my soul.

Yeah, well, that'll happen.

Dave

"You suck." "You suck." "Howard Stern rules." "If you can read this you are a dork." "Coupon for one free kiss from Joe if you are a girl." "We need more complaint cards." "Coupon for one free kiss from Joe if you are a guy."

Joe

Hey.

Dave

[pulling out a fortune cookie slip] "You will go on a journey, happy long time." "Matthew is a moron." "No I'm not." "Yes you are." "No I'm not infinity." "Yes you are infinity plus one." And this one, "I have doobie in my funk," which I assume is some sort of reference to the Parliament Funkadelic song, "Chocolate City." Uh, "You got peanut butter in my chocolate. You got chocolate in my peanut butter. Together they taste like crap." "Matthew has been staring at me all day... and I love it." I don't think I get this one, it says, "I try to be good hard-worker-man, but refrigemater so messy, so so messy."

Lisa

I think that one's probably from Milos, the janitor.

Dave

Oh. Refrigem... oh, then that one's legitimate.

Dave

Uh, "Who's the black private dick who's the sex machine with all the chicks."

SHAFT.

Bill

I thought we'd all enjoy that.

Dave

[reading one last card] And, "Help, I'm being held prisoner in a complaint box," which is actually kinda funny.

Bill

The eyes are the windows to the skull, my friend.

Dave

Soul.

Bill

For those who have one, yes.

Joe

Dave, did you ever stop to consider that it might be one of the 15 or 20 other guys who work in this station?

Bill

Joe's right. How come every time there's a problem you assume that it's one of us. What about them? What if it was... that guy who's name I don't know? Or that guy who sits by him? Or the girl-

Dave

Because somebody gave those people the impression they're not allowed in the break room.

Bill

Well Dave, I consider that room a private sanctuary where I can escape from all those horrid little people whose names I don't know.

Dave

Bill, haven't you ever heard the expression, "When life gives you lemons, make lemonade?"

Bill

Dave, haven't you ever heard the expression, "When life gives you lemons, make lemonade, and then toss it in the face of the person who gave you the lemons until they give you the oranges you asked for in the first place?"