Lisa Miller quotes from NewsRadio

Lisa

Cards aren't a game of luck. They're a game of strategy, statistics, probability, and money management.

Lisa

I brought Foxy in to improve my productivity, and she can't do that while Joe is teaching her bad words in Italian.

Lisa

What exactly happened?

Bill

She frenched me, Lisa. We got in the limo, and she was all over me.

Lisa

I'm sorry, Bill. That must have been very uncomfortable for you.

Bill

You know what it's like? It's like taking your daughter to the fair and buying her cotton candy and winning prizes for her... and then you get on the Ferris wheel and she wants to make out.

Lisa

[uncomfortable] OK...

Bill

Well, how could she do that to me, Lisa? How could she... french her daddy?

Lisa

Have you ever taken naked pictures of yourself?

Dave

[into speakerphone] Mom, I'm going to have to call you back...

You're sleeping with the boss now, Lisa. What do you think the staff's gonna feel about that? You know what people think about Yoko Ono.

Lisa

Yes, I do sir.

What about you Dave, you know what they think about Paul McCartney.

Dave

You mean John Lennon.

No, people liked him.

Lisa

Do you have another shirt?

Dave

Sure. Here you go. [hands Lisa a blue shirt]

Lisa

Dave, this is identical to the one I have on.

Dave

No it isn't. That one is Azure and that one is Lapis.

Lisa

Can I have another shirt, please?

Dave

[pulls out a series of blue shirts] Let's see, there's Indigo, Sapphire, Sky, and Standard Blue.

Lisa

Ever see Rain Man, Dave?

Dave

But he is a rat, right? Doesn't anyone find that disgusting?

Catherine

Oh, he's cute Dave. Just pokes his little head out when it's quiet and sometimes we feed him potato chips.

And Fig Newtons!

Dave

[faking a laugh] Aw gosh, [turning serious] does anyone here remember a little thing called the Black Plague?

Dave

You slept with your therapist? --

Lisa

No!

Dave

Your therapist?

Lisa

No he wasn't my therapist. I would never sleep with my therapist. He was my professor!

Dave

You slept with your professor?!

Lisa

Yeah.

Dave

I mean, isn't that illegal, and disgusting?

Lisa

Illegal? No. Inappropriate? Yes. Disgusting? Mmm...Hardly.

Lisa

I know you may find this hard to believe, but not everybody spends their whole day thinking about Bill McNeal.

Bill

You're a true source of comfort, Lisa.

Lisa

Every Christmas my family sends out this newsletter, you know, and it's all about what my brothers and I have been doing, blah-di-blah blah blah.

Dave

You know my mom does that too.

Lisa

Really? Does your mom have her newsletter professionally typeset with full color photographs by a former art director of Vanity Fair?

Dave

No, my mom cuts out pictures of all the kids faces and pastes them on reindeer bodies... But we like it!

Lisa

Okay, so the most important thing to remember is that we stick together, right? We are a unit. They take all of us, or they take none of us.

Bill

[walking in] Okay people, let's go to Plan B. It's every man for himself!

Lisa

Listen to me. The last thing we need right now is a power struggle.

Bill

Absolutely, I'm with you.

Lisa

Good.

Bill

All those in favor of maintaining a unified front stay here, those of you who'd like to join my splinter group meet me in the men's room in five minutes.

Lisa

Are you nervous about that speech tonight?

Dave

No, I'm cool.

Lisa

You're cool?

Dave

Yeah, I'm fine. I'm cool. I'm just... I'm, you know... chillin'.

Lisa

Well, word to your mother.

Dave

By the way, you'll be happy to hear that you're going to New Hampshire after all.

Lisa

How come Matthew's not going?

Dave

Well, apparently if he's away from home for more than 30 minutes, his cats start plotting against him.

Lisa

And people say you're whipped.

Beth

You know, I do not blame you. If my boyfriend acted like that, I would go absolutely bitchcakes.

Lisa

Bitchcakes?

Beth

I just made that up. You think it's gonna catch on?

All right, you know the opponents...

Lisa

Check.

You know the odds...

Lisa

Check.

And you know the stakes.

Lisa

Check. Now, how do you play poker?