Dave Nelson quotes from NewsRadio

Dave

Well, well, well. A kingdom of fat men in mini cars. You must be very proud.

Dave

Wait a minute, Joe. If what you're saying is true, then... I still don't care.

Dave

Well, you've got me, alright? Yes, yes, I'm Canadian. And I'm actually 46 years old, I'm secretly married and have two children living in New Jersey and at night I patrol the streets of Gotham City in my customized Davemobile.

Dave

Yes, I am Canadian.

Dave

[to Mr. James] Normally at a time like this I'd ask you for advice, and you'd say something that would make no sense at all, but somehow it would all fit together. Like, I would tell you, "Sir, I have a problem," and you'd say, "Well, what is it?" and I'd say, "Well, sir, Lisa wants to have a baby, but she doesn't want to get married," and you'd say "Dave, why milk the cow when you have a fridge full of steaks?" And I'd say, "Sir, that makes no sense," and you'd say, "Well, it sure made sense when that guy Chuck Connors said it in that movie Chinatown," and I'd say, "Sir, Chuck Connors wasn't in Chinatown," and you'd say, "Dave, if I wanted to have this conversation I'd have hired that guy Siskel Ebert to do your job," and I'd say, "Sir, Siskel and Ebert are two people," and you'd say, "Dave, just because the man is fat is no reason to make fun of him."

Dave

According to these numbers, when Bill's show comes on people turn off their car radios, pull over to the side of the road, abandon their vehicles and walk home rather than risk hearing another second.

Dave

Hear me well! As of today a new Dave is born. A Dave who for lack of better words is...pure evil.

Dave

No, I am not paranoid, because I can say without a trace of irony...you're all out to get me.

Dave

[to Max] I want you to look around. Here we have Lisa, who today very nearly gave up a career in journalism for a life in the fast food industry. Over here we have Beth, who dresses like a barmaid from Blade Runner. Mr. James, a millionaire who has spent the entire day eating food he knows for a fact to be spoiled. Joe, who has earned upwards of 11 dollars working as an amateur surveillance expert, albeit half of that is Monopoly money. [Matthew peeks from behind his desk] And of course, Matthew, who appears to have taken the surveillance into his own hands.

Beth

Fire him as soon as he walks out that door.

Dave

Excuse me?

Beth

Fire him right here, right now, in front of everyone. Trust me, it will help you down the line. You're not exactly establishing yourself as an authority figure with the staff.

Bill

She's right, you know.

Beth

It's like, you know how they say when it's your first day in prison, you should act crazy and beat someone with a chair so nobody will mess with you?

Dave

I've never actually heard that before, Beth.

Dave

Why? Because I'm the boss, Bill, that's why! That's why, Bill. And I will not be manipulated, I will not be contradicted, and I will not be intimidated!

Bill

Well, I didn't realize you were a man of such strong conviction, of such deeply felt moral tenacity, of such remarkable centeredness...

Dave

All right, Bill, I'm not going to be sucked-up to either.

Bill

Well, you've eliminated all my options. All that's left is backstabbing.

Beth

Dave, there is no avoiding it. When you make out with a co-worker, you have an ugly scene in the office and then the next thing you know, I am at home crying my eyes out because I'm afraid to come into work the next morning!

Dave

We're not talking about me any more, are we?

Beth

No, we're not, Dave. We're talking about me now.

Dave

You and, uh...

Beth

The Fed-Ex guy.

Dave

We don't use Fed-Ex.

Beth

Not any more.

Dave

I just had no idea that the Patch could have side effects.

Bill

And I had no idea you're only supposed to wear one at a time.

Dave

How many were you wearing?

Bill

Fifteen, sixteen. I sort of stuck them all around my waist like a belt.

Dave

Mr. James, I didn't see you come in.

Yeah, that's the way I like it. Like, uh, that magician guy. What's his name?...

Dave

David Copperfield?

No.

Dave

Siegfried?

No.

Dave

Roy?

That's the one.

Dave

Listen up, everybody, this is what we're going to do.

Bill

Standard subway crisis. We know what to do, Dave.

Dave

I didn't know there was a standard procedure for this.

Bill

Oh, sure. We send a reporter to the scene. He asks the transit police if he can go in the tunnel. They say no. He says okay. I go on the air every eight minutes and say "Still no news on that disabled train." Business as usual. Let's do it, people!

Dave

Actually, Bill, if I might, I'd like to try something a little different this time, okay?

Bill

Okay, how about this? Send reporter, transit police, tunnel-no-okay, me on air every seven minutes, blah, blah, blah. Let's do it, people!