Matthew Brock quotes from NewsRadio

Matthew

[singing] Ted... He's dead... And the hobbits and the gnomes, they're dancing to and fro. They have to keep the plus 2 sword from the chaotic evil thief lord. Now we're rocking, now we're really rocking!

Bill

Say, Joe, who's the black private dick that's a sex machine for all the chicks?

Joe

Bill, I think that would be Shaft.

Bill

And who's the cat that won't cop out when there's danger all about?

Joe

Again, Bill, we're talkin' 'bout Shaft.

Bill

Damn right.

Joe

You know, they say that cat Shaft is one bad mother-

Matthew

Shut up, you guys!

[entering] Hey, what's goin' on?

Bill

We're just talking about Shaft.

I can dig it.

Matthew

[whispering] Dave.

Dave

Matthew, why are you whispering?

Matthew

Because lately Joe has been looking at me with hate in his eyes. It's like he's zapping me with hate rays. Zap, zap-zap-zap.

Dave

Zap, zap-zap-zap, eh?

Matthew

Dave, please don't mock me.

Dave

It's very hard not to.

It's almost 12:00. Is anybody gonna try to talk me out of this?

Matthew

Nope. Cause we don't have to.

Why is that Matthew?

Matthew

Well, because I took the liberty of turning the clock back ten minutes, it is actually 12:05, which means you missed your midnight deadline... yes!

Matthew, that 12:00 was just a loose guideline. I'm dealing with a corporation here, not magical fairies.

Dave

You're telling me you don't want to go to New Hampshire because... your cats will kill you?

Matthew

It's called responsibility, David. Wake up and sniff it.

Matthew

I took third place in the costume contest last year.

Dave

Really? What was your costume?

Matthew

Motorcycle enthusiast.

Joe

Gay biker.

Matthew

Oh, Dave, oh my, you would have loved it... a week in a foreign place, strange people, strange customs.

Dave

I know exactly what you mean, I've been to Canada.

Matthew

Trust me, Japan is even more exotic.

Dave

Clearly you've never been to Winnipeg.

Dave

"You suck." "You suck." "Howard Stern rules." "If you can read this you are a dork." "Coupon for one free kiss from Joe if you are a girl." "We need more complaint cards." "Coupon for one free kiss from Joe if you are a guy."

Joe

Hey.

Dave

[pulling out a fortune cookie slip] "You will go on a journey, happy long time." "Matthew is a moron." "No I'm not." "Yes you are." "No I'm not infinity." "Yes you are infinity plus one." And this one, "I have doobie in my funk," which I assume is some sort of reference to the Parliament Funkadelic song, "Chocolate City." Uh, "You got peanut butter in my chocolate. You got chocolate in my peanut butter. Together they taste like crap." "Matthew has been staring at me all day... and I love it." I don't think I get this one, it says, "I try to be good hard-worker-man, but refrigemater so messy, so so messy."

Lisa

I think that one's probably from Milos, the janitor.

Dave

Oh. Refrigem... oh, then that one's legitimate.

Dave

Uh, "Who's the black private dick who's the sex machine with all the chicks."

SHAFT.

Bill

I thought we'd all enjoy that.

Dave

[reading one last card] And, "Help, I'm being held prisoner in a complaint box," which is actually kinda funny.

Dave

Matthew, Bill is not a god.

Matthew

Time will tell.

Dude, we're still brothers. It's just that we're not twins. And biologically speaking, we're not actually brothers, either.

Matthew

But we look so much alike.

No we don't. I'm three inches shorter than you are. You have blond hair, I have brown hair. I have green eyes, you have blue. I can grow a beard. I'm Jewish! How old are you?

Matthew

Twenty-eight.

And how old am I?

Matthew

Twenty-nine. But I just thought it was because you came out first.

No, Plan A was a bust. I'd like you all to meet...Plan B.

Hi, everyone.

Matthew

Planbee...what an interesting name...

Call me Andrea.

Matthew

Nice to meet you, Andrea Planbee.

Matthew

Dave, when am I getting my job back? 'Cuz, I am going stir crazy.

Dave

You have to have patience, Matthew. I'm doing everything I can.

Matthew

Well, I'm doing my part.

Dave

I know. Unfortunately, that is precisely why you were fired in the first place.

Matthew

Why did we go to Hawaii together?

Lisa

That was a dream.

Matthew

Oh... Wait a minute, I'm pretty sure it wasn't.

Lisa

All right then. How was it?

Matthew

Not that good, actually.

Lisa

I'm sorry.

Matthew

Dave, we have got to get rid of that security door.

Dave

No, we don't.

Matthew

Yes, we do. A little bird just flew into the glass and died.

Dave

Really? [They go over to look.] Matthew, that's a Cornish game hen.

Matthew

Doesn't it make you want to cry?

Dave

You didn't even bother to defrost it.

Lisa

Sorry I'm late. The chambermaid couldn't get my corset laced.

Matthew

Yeah, I've been there.

Lisa

You don't wear a corset, Matthew.

Matthew

Not anymore, I'll tell you that much.