[About Pete Doherty]
MCMel C
Have you seen his fingernails? Would you ever let those fingernails anywhere near you? They're dirty.
But you could clean his fingernails and then use them...
S2020x06
[About his experience with drugs]
AAdam
Mushrooms, jesus, yeah, I did some mushrooms, can I just tell you? 'Cause, uh, no one told me what kind of dose you're supposed to take. You know, because I fell into the bad crowd at university. Don't go to university, kids. It's a disaster. And uh, they said, like, "Let's do some mushies!". I said, "I don't want to do too many, because drugs frighten me. I don't want to get off my head completely, I just want to get a bit giggly". They said "All right, just want to get a bit giggly...take a hundred". So I had a hundred fucking mushrooms...and so, went to Mars, you know. And that was the night that my scrotum shriveled up to the size of a pea. I had to spend the rest of the week just, like, looking at photographs of myself, my friends and family to try and remember who I fucking was. Nightmare. Don't ever, ever do it!
Good message there from the BBC.
How many Nellies does it take to change a nightbulb?
BBill
A nightbulb?
A lightbulb. I'd like you know, Simon! How many Nellies does it take to change a lightbulb?
BBill
I don't know! I don't know, Bonnie. How many Nellies-
How many Manchester United players does it take...to change a lightbulb?
BBill
I don't know... How many Manchester United players does it take to change a lightbulb?
Two. One from the team, the one from the...uh...the guy who goes to fetch the other one in red...
[Bill looks bewildered]
Should we pump your stomach? I don't know what to do.
BBill
[To Krishnan] How do you stand with all the channel four, the whole business, you know, the terrible, you know-
Bill, it's six weeks ago.
BBill
What?
The racism.
BBill
Six weeks ago?!
This is going out in six weeks.
BBill
Don't, don't say that!
What?
BBill
Don't say it's six weeks ago when it's now, man. You're fucking up with my head! It's now in my head!
I just don't want you to waste-
BBill
Oh, so let's talk about things that might happen in the future!! Blimey, them new hover trousers are great, aren't they? Bonnie, how's the new perfume range?
Nobody's asked me to launch one...
BBill
They have, 'cause it's in the FUTURE!! He said it was the future!! The Time Lord! Yes, Bonnie's perfume is going very well, thank you, Simon. Now let's carry on as if nothing happened, nobody's any the wiser!!
Do you put condoms on a man when you have intercourse?
MCMel C
Do you?
[audience laughs]
...we just cuddle.
Khrishnan, what do you think we should do about hunger?
KKhrishnan
Feed people.
[Reading off the auto-cue]...She's not the only one promoting...I'll start again. There was a cough there, a cough!! How can I do this when there's coughing!?! [To Krishnan] Do you ever have coughing in the Channel 4 studio?
KKrishnan
We don't have an audience.
Don't have an audience? That's a bloody good idea.
I don't want to upset Bonnie...
MCMel C
But you don't mind upsetting me?
Ah, no, because you're not a drunk...anything could happen.
My big sister will come here and tell you off.
What does she drink?
Now with the weather, here's Bonnie.
What?
[Laughter]
Over here, [She points at Bill's chest] it's going to be very warm...and down here, [She points to Bill's groin] it's going to be ice cold. Up here, [She points to Bill's head] there's been a lot of wind...
[Reading an intro] "Turn around..."?
Bright eyes.
Not what I've got here.
Oh. Every now and then I get a little bit lonely when I dream of something wild.
No.
Every now and then I fall apart.
No.
Every now and then I get a little bit terrified and then I see the look in your eyes.
...Correct. Okay, next one..."Turn around..."?
These quotes come from Wikiquote's Never Mind the Buzzcocks pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.