Ducky Mallard quotes from NCIS

Ducky

All I'm saying is that you'd want to be evaluated for sleep apnea.

Bishop

It's called snoring, ok? And you did your fair share while I was trying to sleep, too.

[sees Ducky brandishing a decades-old scalpel] And what are you gonna do with that? Give me a paper cut?

Ducky

[nonchalantly] I doubt the blade is clean. Infections can be deadly.

Give me that knife.

[looks down at his arm] This was my favorite suit. I take it back. I'm going to take my time with you, too.

Ducky

I can still save your life.

[laughs] Oh, yeah?

Ducky

There is still time.

All mouth and no trousers, this one...

Ducky

You feeling light-headed? [shows the scalpel] I just nicked your brachial artery. You'll be dead in less than 90 seconds.

Why didn't you ever marry? You had so much love to give.

Ducky

A colleague, a very good friend of mine, lost his soulmate. And then he nearly wrecked his life marrying the wrong woman over and over, trying to find her again. I...chose to skip that part.

Ducky

[talking to the corpse in his autopsy room] I know in the end we all must die. I'm not a religious person but I find desecration of the human body to be positively indecent.

McGee

[walks in holding coffee] Well, pirates aren't known for their decency, Duck.

Ducky

[stares at McGee, speechless] Uh....

McGee

Is something wrong?

Ducky

No, Timothy, but I request that you dispense with the coffee before joining me.

Ducky

Today is a difficult day.

Bishop

It is?

Palmer

You've been training for nine months now. Nine months! Magical time frame isn't it? To think, in three months, Breena and I are gonna have our own little human [Ducky rolls his eyes] who hopefully enjoys long walks. [notices Bishop and Ducky] Sorry, this is about you.

Ducky

It ain't a fit night out for man nor beast.

Palmer

And yet I'm the one who had to get out and push the van, Shakespeare.

Ducky

That was W. C. Fields, Mr. Palmer, in The Fatal Glass of Beer. And I predict you will be pushing it again on the way back.

Ducky

Well, I can confirm that the captain did indeed die from a crushed trachea. The killer used what is known in Shaolin kung fu as a "claw grip."

Palmer

It takes some serious strength for a layman to crush another person's trachea using only three fingers.

Ducky

So either you're looking for someone extremely strong...

Palmer

Or someone trained in dragon style! (strikes a one-legged kung fu pose) Waaaaa...! (laughs, then sees Gibbs and Ducky's unamused looks) I won't do that again.

Tony

So on a scale of one to ten, how bad is it?

Ducky

Let's just say the scale needs recalibrating. I'm afraid it is Toxicodendron pubescens, otherwise known as Eastern Poison Oak. The symptoms are itching, inflammation, blistering...

Tony

My skin feels like the surface of ten thousand suns!

Ducky

Yes, and a propensity for the dramatic.

Jeanne Benoit? Really?

Ducky

But why is Gibbs so doubtful it was a suicide?

Abby Sciuto

Well, Sergeant Hill was seeing a shrink, who hinted that there might be something else, but ethically couldn't divulge anything else to him.

Jimmy Palmer

He couldn't break her with his look? I'm intimidated by Gibbs.

Gibbs! Gibbs!

Ducky

Ah, you do talk!

Abby

[sheepishly] Yep, and a little bit too much sometimes, huh?

Ducky

Agent Blackadder reminds me of a young woman I autopsied once.

Gibbs

[looking at the body] When'd she die?

Ducky

Oh, gosh, in Hollywood. Let's see, it's got to be at least 20 years ago. She was an assistant film editor and the film editor's wife caught them in flagrante delicto--

Gibbs

[interrupting] This one, Ducky. When did this one die?

Gibbs

Cause of death?

Ducky

Well, it wasn't the arrow.

What else did you discover?

Ducky

On her left buttock, I found a tattoo of a stalking leopard. Majestic. Brilliant. I've only seen one other like it: on a tango dancer in Buenos Aires who died of dehydration. I was on sabbatical at the ti--

[interrupts] Doctor, I was asking about Lieutenant Singer.

Ducky

She wasn't in Buenos Aires...

Doctor isn't it possible that the LT's injuries were a result of an accidental fall?

Ducky

[very seriously] Well the railing is very high. It's quite unlikely. Unless the LT's unconscious body levitated and dropped over the side. I've heard--

[cutting him off] Thank you Doctor.