Timothy McGee quotes from NCIS

Ziva

You're not taking the elevator?

McGee

Nope. Took the stairs. It's all about the cardio these days.

Tony

You have been looking increasingly Kate Mossius there McTim. What are you down? Two? Three pounds?

McGee

Fifteen pounds actually and thank you for noticing.

Ziva

Are you letting some blond bombshell baste your bird, Tony?

Tony

No, this bird's flying solo to a poker tournament at the Big Bend Indian Casino. They've got an all-you-can-eat crab buffet.

McGee

Pilgrims and Indians gambling together. That warms the heart.

Ziva

[to Ducky] What about your mother, Ducky?

Ducky

Mother is comfortable, thank you. Staff take good care of her. Oh dear, she barely recognizes me when I visit. Well then. That leaves me with a twenty-pound bird and enough trimmings to feed Cox's Army.

McGee

It's freezing this morning.

Tony

Man up, chilly willy. Feel that warm blood coursing through your veins. Get in touch with your inner McGrizzly Adams.

McGee

Well I've got hand warmers.

Tony

Give me one.

McGee

No.

Ziva

I'm not cold at all.

Tony

You're coldblooded David, like a lady Komodo dragon; ice queen, frigid and deadly.

Ziva

And I remembered to wear my thermal underwear.

Tony

I'll give you fifty bucks for it right now.

Ziva

It wouldn't fit. You're too big.

Tony

[desperately] It'll stretch. Turn 'em over.

Tony

Fruit of the month might be good. Maybe a foot massager.

McGee

Tony, I never pegged you as a catalog shopper.

Tony

Well, that's because I'm not, tiny Tim, but desperate times call for desperate measures. I took these from my neighbor's doorstep.

Ziva

You stole them?

Tony

The doorstep is considered a common area. I would never steal mail, that's a federal offense. Oh! Hold the phone Malone! A little bit of lingerie! Nice! What do you get for the shrew who has everything?

Ziva

Is this for the secret Santa?

Tony

How did I end up with Dolores Brahmstead from Human Resources? She's a miserable grinch of a woman.

McGee

I can't argue with you there. I once wished her a happy Valentine's Day and she claimed sexual harassment.

Tony

Have you ever seen her smile?

McGee

No.

Ziva

Stop it both of you! She is a single, middle aged, lonely woman. Have some compassion!

Tony

It must be tough, living up there on Mount Crumpet. Plotting to take Christmas away from poor Cindy Loo Who.

McGee

The August 1928 issue of Amazing Stories first stirred the national imagination. It featured the Skylark of Space on the cover, and then you've got Buck Rogers.

Abby

What's really amazing is how much more fascinating jet-pack trivia gets the eleventh time you've heard it.

Tony

It's a remote control receiver?

McGee

Yes, it is.

Ziva

What is the range?

McGee

Almost a kilometer.

Tony

I don't speak Canadian. How far is that?

Tony

(on the phone) For the last time, my name is Anthony DiNozzo, Junior. My father is Anthony DiNozzo, Senior. I live in Washington, D.C. He lives in New York City. Is that so complicated? Junior, Senior? Can you follow that?

Ziva

What is going on?

McGee

Tony's trying to withdraw money from a bank in New York, it sounds like they confused his account with one of his father's and he can't get the money.

Tony

Let me get this straight: you want me to spell my name again? Okay. It's big D as in "dimwit", little I as in "idiot", big N as in "nimrod", little O as in "obtuse", double-z as in "ZZ Top"...

Ziva

What does he need the money for?

McGee

Well, he and a couple of his frat buddies decided to take a cruise this spring.

Tony

NO, I'M NOT KIDDING!

You are so direct. So honest. So different from him.

Ziva

Tony and I have different approaches.

You're complimentary. You're sure you two never --

Ziva

No. Positive. Definitely no. Why do you keep on asking about Tony and I?

You're like me and Daniel. A good fit. Besides, Paris is a romantic city and you two shared a room, so I --

Ziva

I took the couch. Otherwise Tony would have whined the entire flight about his back. [smiles]

McGee

Hey, in Paris, who got stuck with the couch?

Tony

Me. We flipped a coin.

McGee

Tough break. (walks away)

Ziva

Why did you just lie to McGee?

Tony

Why did you lie to Nora?

Tony

First the plague, now radiation poisoning. I'm starting to think someone really has it in for me.

McGee

I was there, too, near the car, you know.

Ziva

We all were.

McGee

But don't let that stop you from thinking about yourself.

Tony

This isn't about me! It's about my little DiNozzo makers! They've been nuked!

McGee

I know!

Tony

Do you?! I mean, sure, Tim, your kids are going to be smart, [Ziva rolls her eyes and walks away] but mine have a shot at being really beautiful.

Gibbs

McGee, you're with me.

McGee

Where we going?

Gibbs

To go look for the bomb.

Tony

Don't make me say it, McGee.

McGee

We'll be careful, Tony.

McGee

Notice anything unusual?

Only that he had about the most perfect teeth I'd ever seen.

Ziva

We heard. From the last two dentists we visited.

Yeah, well, working on him was almost orgasmic.

McGee

Didn't really need to hear that.

His retromolar pad was shaped just like a Renaissance bosom.

Gibbs

Get Ziva and DiNozzo out of bed.

McGee

What?!

Gibbs

Wake 'em up.

McGee

Oh. Oh, right. Get them out of bed because it's the middle of the night and they're asleep.

Gibbs

[looks at McGee like he's gone mad] Yes.

McGee

Individual beds. Get them out of individual beds. I was confused. I thought we were talking --

Gibbs

Need some sleep yourself, do you, McGee?

Ziva

Where are we going?

Not far.

Ziva

And, uh, what are we taking? What's in the truck?

Tony

[In a car outside with McGee, wired in] What's in the truck?

McGee

What is in the truck?

[Opens truck slowly, everyone is waiting on edge]

Ziva

[After seeing the watermelon crates, sounding incredulous] Melons?

Tony

Did she say melons?

McGee

Melons in the truck.

Tony

Melons...

McGee

What are in these melons?

McGee

[opens his eyes to see Tony and Ziva standing in front of his desk] I'm awake.

Ziva

We didn't say anything, McGee.

McGee

But you did something, didn't you? What'd you do?! Did you try and put my hand in this water?

Tony

That's a little juvenile.

McGee

You drew on my face, didn't you? You drew on my face! [looks at his face]

Tony

No. I suggested stripping you naked, putting a tag on your toe and dragging you down to autopsy so that when you woke up you would think you were dead, but Ziva thought it was in poor taste.

McGee

Well, thank you, Ziva.

Tony

All right, McNosy, what do you got?

McGee

From what I can gather, Gibbs and JoAnn Fielding are very estranged.

Ziva

The woman lost her daughter and granddaughter. Now her fiancé died in her arms and her former son-in-law is investigating! Show some sympathy!

Tony

Maybe she's cursed! Like a Kennedy!

McGee

Minus the grassy knoll.

Ziva

I heard about that! The shooter was really in the book suppository!

Tony

Depository.

Ziva

That's what I said.