Timothy McGee quotes from NCIS

Tony

You want to learn about being a real man, McGee, you've got to study the Japanese samurai. These guys are like Gibbs, with even bigger stones and less to say.

McGee

Is that even possible?

Ziva

Hey, any of you notice something different about Ducky?

McGee

Yeah, he has seemed awfully chipper as of late.

Tony

Ducky does seem plucky. No one loves rain in D.C.

Ziva

No, his ties! He's been wearing tie ties, not his bow ties.

Tony

Wow. That's very observant.

McGee

I built an application for my phone.

Tony

Why is that important to what we're doing here?

McGee

With a vehicle's VIN number, you can access all the vehicle's pertinent information, including key and remote codes. Hack into a database, download all the codes, and there it is.

Tony

Wow. I'm glad that MIT education paid off for something, McGeek.

McGee

It is pretty super, isn't it?

Tony

I don't believe you.

McGee

Yeah, I'm not going to unlock the door for you, Tony.

Tony

Well, I don't think you could unlock the door, because if you could you'd prove it to me by doing it.

McGee

Uh, no --

Tony

[snatches phone and unlocks door] You should patent that.

Ziva

What is CGIS?

McGee

Coast Guard Investigative Service.

Ziva

The Coast Guard has an investigative branch?

McGee

Well, they're smaller than us, but with a wider law enforcement reach.

Ziva

But it is the Coast Guard!

Tony

Whoa, whoa. No need to get uppity. Yes, Virginia, there is a CGIS.

McGee

Now they may not have our track record, or our je ne sais quoi, but they are our legitimate sibling.

Tony

Like Corky in Life Goes On.

Oh my god, I can't believe he's dead!

McGee

What was your relationship with the deceased?

You mean he's deceased, too?

McGee

Hey, why'd the dead guy cross the road? To get home.

Tony

Yeah. You were funnier when you were fatter.

McGee

Well, if it isn't T-Cadd.

Tony

What?

McGee

T-Cadd. It's what I'm calling you guys now. You know, the cute couples contraction? Tom-Kat, Bennifer, Brangelina.

Tony

Yeah, we got it McBitter.

McGee

You two are wearing the same suit, even. [they smile]

Building security found the body. No blood, it looks like he was dumped. Multiple stab wounds to the back. We've definitely got a fifth victim.

Tony

Wounds on his arm, chest. This guy wasn't easy to take out.

McGee

He put up a fight.

Killer had to be strong, we're probably looking for a male.

Tony

Or Ziva. [they laugh]

Abby

Wait. Could you give McGee my hug today, because he really needs one.

Gibbs

[looks oddly at McGee]

McGee

[shakes his head] I'm good boss, thanks. [Gibbs turns around and leaves] [McGee gives Abby a look as she laughs]

Tony

You're annoying!

McGee

You're juvenile!

Tony

I thought you said 27.000 kills.

McGee

28.000 kills.

Tony

But you said yesterday 27.000 kills!

McGee

Well, that was yesterday.

Tony

You kill a thousand people a day?

McGee

I was hot. I was super hot. I was cappin' fools!

Tony

It's not a cause for pride, McGee! It's a cause for concern!

McGee

You're not going to go, are you?

Abby

Are you kidding? Why wouldn't I go?

McGee

Well, I bet he just wants to find out how many tats you have.

Abby

Maybe I have a new one that you're never going to see.

McGee

Now I understand why Tony took the couch in Paris.

Abby

Ziva said that she did.

Tony

It is perfect for s'mores.

McGee

I never liked s'mores.

Tony

What are you talking about? What's not to like? You've got your chocolate, graham crackers, gooey marshmellows. What kind of boy scout are you?

McGee

I'm a Webelos, actually.

Tony

Well, zip up Webelos, your inner geek is showing.

McGee

Why would you let someone get away with rape?

Ziva

Perception. Burrows is in the military. If a woman cries rape, no man on that ship would ever totally trust her again.

McGee

Well, you're a woman. What would you do?

Ziva

I am different. After torturing them until they cried like babies, I would castrate them and give them what they deserve.

Tony

Hmm. Spoken like a true almost-American.

Tony

That horse likes you!

McGee

This isn't funny, Tony.

Tony

Oh, poor McMounty. [affects Canadian accent] Hey, so have you seen any, like, moose and stuff up there? Hey, where's your buddy Claude. Isn't that your friendly St. Bernard with a little barrel of whiskey under his chin?!

McGee

I've been up here playing Dudley Do-Right for two weeks, all right? It's September and there's snow on the ground, could you at least give me a little compassion here?

Tony

And what would that be for? Did you forget to take off your toque when you entered a room? You're going to get in trouble up there, hanging with the bluenecks, throwing back a two-four of pale ale.

McGee

I've actually been working, unlike some people!

Gibbs

Certain people here are working.

McGee

Of course, boss.