Timothy McGee quotes from NCIS

Everybody's always lying to you, all the time. Can't you ever just take things as you see 'em?

Leroy Jethro Gibbs

I see people lying to me!

[sighs] You were such a happy child.

McGee

Boss, I talked to Tony and Abby...

"Boss"? [to Jethro] You make them call you that? [to McGee] He's not a...! [catches himself] Are you a boss, Leroy?

Abby

What do you see?

McGee

Um, french vanilla ice cream with chocolate sprinkles.

Abby

Interesting. [flipping to another picture] What now?

McGee

Um.

Abby

You can say it. We're grown-ups, McGee. Say it.

McGee

Sex.

Abby

Mold sex, actually. Practically mold porn.

McGee

Why are you showing me mold porn?

McGee

For a guy that's about to be handed his head...

Ziva

He seems to have it firmly on his shoulders.

Tony

Calm before the storm. Gibbs versus Fornell. It's like Frazier-Ali or Rocky versus... everyone.

Abby

OK McGee, what do you see?

McGee

Crunched berries cereal.

Abby

Okay, now what do you see? [flips to another picture]

McGee

Ohh, French vanilla ice-cream with chocolate sprinkles.

Abby

Interesting. Alright, how about now? [flips to another picture]

McGee

Um.

Abby

Come on, McGee. Say it. We're grown-ups. Sex, say it.

McGee

Sex.

Abby

Mold sex. I mean its practically mold porn.

McGee

Why are you showing me mold porn?

McGee

My CPU is too small.

Tony

I'm gonna let that slide.

Tony

[whispering] Run for your life, Probie! Run!

McGee

What are you doing?

Tony

Just trying to save your life!

McGee

What did you do?

Tony

[laughs indignantly] Why do you assume it's me...? That's a good point, but in this case, actually...

Ziva

MCGEE!

Tony

Too late.

McGee

[sees Ziva] Why is she sitting at my...?

Tony

You're on your own, Probie.

Ziva

McGee, get in here!

Tony

Plead temporary insanity, it's your best bet.

Ziva

What did I tell you, McGee?

McGee

Uh, about what?

McGee

Uh...

Ziva

I told you to destroy those, twice!

McGee

I did! I did... No, I, I didn't, um, Tony, Tony, Tony must've...

Ziva

What? When you went to get coffee? You did not erase those photos, did you? Hmm? Admit it and I will spare you one of your eyes!

McGee

...I did not erase those photos.

McGee

I think I know what happened. I-I-I-I just deleted my old screensaver, and theoretically the operating system could have defaulted to the photo directory, but, you know, the odds...

Ziva

Today's not your lucky day.

Tony

It is Halloween later this week.

McGee

And I did see a black cat this morning...! Well, it was, it was dark brown.

Ziva

[whispering] Give me your hand.

Gibbs

[entering] Better than losing an eye, McGee.

McGee

[after his shoes are superglued to the floor] Again with the Krazy Glue?

Abby

[whispering whilst hiding under her desk] Consider yourself lucky! It was either that or hydrochloric acid!

McGee

No, you went back too far.

Ziva

I got it.

McGee

No, you went back too far.

Ziva

That's why I'm going fast forward now.

McGee

Hey, just... let me do is. Let me do it! Please? Okay? You handle this like you handle your car!

Ziva

And if you want to handle anything ever again remove your hand from my mouse!

Ziva

I do not understand. If you want someone dead, you knock on their door. They answer, you shoot them. Easy.

McGee

[shocked] For some.

Ziva

What is this place?

It's classified.

Tony

Classified? What have you got in there? Aliens? Bigfoot? Ark of the Covenant? That only leaves one thing.

[in unison] Unicorn!

Abby

Stop interogating me, McGee!

McGee

Stop acting weird!

Abby

I am weird!

McGee

Wonder what they are doing up there.

Tony

Does the Navy still hang people?

Abby

Tony!

McGee

Well, it is treason, Abby.

Abby

McGeeeehee!

Tony

What else can they do? There's no way she walks out of here.

Ziva

No way.

Good night everyone! [Walks out]

McGee

I've got to ask you this: did you order a dead body?

No, we did not.

Ziva

What is this place?

It's classified.

Tony

Classified? What have you got in there? Aliens? Bigfoot? Ark of the Covenant? That only leaves one thing.

[in unison] Unicorn!

What is your clearance?

Tony

About six-foot one-and-a-half. Why, have you got low ceilings? [shoots a picture of the guard]

[unimpressed by Tony's stalling tactics] Just get him out of here now, would you?

Gibbs

[passes by] Can't. Protocol.

McGee

Gotta wait for the medical examiner to release him.

Ziva

And there he is.

How many trucks you guys got?

Tony

Well, you've already met Widow Woman and Spider Mike here. [indicating Ziva and McGee] The Rubber Ducky makes it a great big convoy. (after a pause) See what I did there? Seamless transition from Convoy to Smokey and the Bandit.

McGee

[getting navigation set up for Tony and Ziva to go after a lead] There is a built in compass so you don't get lost.

Tony

Don't worry, McScout. We've got our Mossad hunting dog. Bark once for yes.

Ziva

[growls]