Timothy McGee quotes from NCIS

Hey, what's going on here? Did I get off on the wrong floor, I thought this was an office.

McGee

Officer David and I are engaged in a linguistic developmental exercise intended to bolster her English vocabulary.

[chuckles] That's good. Do you think Gibbs will buy it?

It is not my vocabulary that needs bolsterment, McGee.

McGee

Not a word. Hence the scoreboard.

[chuckles] Yeah, 50-point cushion for the professor. And there's only one tile left to play.

McGee

[smiles] Gonna be kind of tough to play that 'q' without a 'u'.

You peeked!

McGee

Did not. Process of elimination, I counted the tiles on the board.

You suck the fun out of everything, McCheat. [Ziva suddenly looks in thought] Give it up, Ziva.

[Ziva takes her Q tile and plays it in front of an I.]

McGee

[frowns and stares at the board] "Kwee"? I don't think so.

[smiles] Chi. As in life energy that flows through all things.

You should have seen that one coming, Probie Wan Kenobi.

McGee

No....

[laughs] Sixty-two points!!!

Jedi wins.

McGee

I'm challenging!

[walking in] You all are! Grab your gear. Playtime's over.

[McGee panics, opening Ziva's drawer and dumping the tiles and board in, haphazardly sweeping the ones on desk to the floor as she gives him an odd look and the team gets ready to go.]

McGee

Uhh... that was a, uh, language exercise we weren't actually playing.

So he didn't actually lose.

McGee

Correct!

So he wasn't actually humiliated.

[Ziva and Tony look at each other and chuckle on their way out.]

McGee

[hurries after them, muttering] "Kwee"....

S5 E17 About Face

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Your eyes are getting heavy. All information is recorded in the subconscious mind. I'm going to count down from three. As I'm counting down, you're going to go into a deeper state of relaxation. 3... You're getting calm and relaxed. 2... You're going into a deeper state of comfort. 1... You're in a deep [touches Palmer's forehead with one finger as his eyes close shut] sleep. [gives a surprised thumb's up to McGee who nods in return]

You're at peace. You have the ability to retrieve any information at will. You have total recall. If at any time, you feel a block to your memory, take a deep breath, [Palmer takes a deep breath] and the block will melt away. Understand?

[Nods sleepily]

Okay, I'm going to take you back to yesterday. You're at the rime scene. You find a passport.

Passport?

Yeah, do you see it? It's vinyl, dark blue.

Vinyl?

Yes.

Dark blue?

Yes. Pick it up.

No, I'm gonna get hurt.

You're safe Jimmy. No one is gonna hurt you. Deep breath. [Palmer takes a deep breath] Good. Okay, you're at the crime scene. You look down and what do you see?

[smiles] Leather. Light brown.

[incredulous] What? [takes a deep breath and then continues] Okay, pick it up and look at it. Are you doing it?

Mmhm.

Okay, what does it say?

Cole Hann, low boot, size 7 and a half.

McGee

Sounds like a woman's boot.

[scolding] Jimmy, put Ziva's boot down. Can you hear me? It's Abby.

Oh, Abby... Black, high platforms, Demonia, size 10

[stand up] Jimmy!

[is startled awake] What? What did I say? Did we catch him? Did we learn anything about this guy?

McGee

No, but we certainly learned something about you.

Whatever it is, it's not what you think.

McGee

If the shoe fits... [starts walking away and Abby blows out the candles]

Wait, wait, where are you going?

McGee

These boots were made for walking.

S5 E17 About Face

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[talking on the webcam to McGee, he puts on a pirate-ish Irish accent] Ah, life in the ocean blue, me hearties. If the scurvy don't get you, the pox will. And tell me this, me little McShipmate, how is that scurrilous, blackhearted, pirate king of ours, Captain One-Shot Gibbs?

[walking on-sceen, but Tony can see him.] I'm just fine, DiNozzo.

[startled] Oh! Um... ah. [headslaps himself] There you go, boss. Welcome aboard.

Got work to do.

I'm on it, boss. What am I on, McGee?

McGee

Are you alone?

Oh, yeah! Just me and 5000 of my closest friends. I AM NEVER ALONE! [looks over shoulder, then whispers] I really need to come home, boss.

Working on it.

S6 E1 Last Man Standing

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Is this hacking, McGee? Are we hacking?

McGee

We are not hacking, Tony.

But it is illegal, right? Don't answer that. I know it's illegal. I'm having fun.

S6 E1 Last Man Standing

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Looks like we found the murder weapon. Toy guitar?

McGee

That is not a toy guitar. That is a guitar controller. Used to play Lords of Rock, video game. That particular model is called an axe.

So our killer is an axe murderer.

S6 E2 Agent Afloat

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Well, Ducky was right. It's snot.

McGee

It's not what?

It's snot.

McGee

It's not?

Yeah, it is.

McGee

It's what?

Snot. The substance found in Lindsey Evans hair. It's snot.

McGee

Well, why didn't you just say that?

S6 E2 Agent Afloat

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McGee

[answers phone] Agent Gibbs's desk.

McGee?

McGee

Tony? Back on dry land?

Yeah, it's a tropical paradise, really, just like The Blue Lagoon, except no white sand beaches, magical waterfalls, and definitely no Brooke Shields.

S6 E2 Agent Afloat

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What's going on here?

McGee

Don't know. Don't care. None of my business DiNosey.

You are such a control geek.

Freak.

Yes, that too.

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So what's up with El Jefe? Yesterday he leaves the crime scene with no explanation. Today he knew the Admiral had a problem with the victim. Where'd he get that?

McGee

Maybe he's bluffing.

Uh-uh. It was on the nose.

Whose nose?

On the money. Bullseye. Right as rain. You were doing better before you went back to Israel. You've reverted.

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McGee

Hey. You looking for me, Tony?

No, I am. Do you think I'm an idiot?

McGee

No.

What, you thought I wouldn't figure it out?

McGee

What is she talking about?

The cupcake.

You stole it from my refrigerator. I have forensic evidence. Your big fat finger print.

McGee

Oh, come on, you think I'm that stupid? Look, if I was going to steal your precious cupcake I would not leave a fingerprint on your refrigerator.

You didn't. You used latex gloves. Brand new box, McGee. Only prints, mine and yours.

McGee

You said you were going gluten-free.

Where is it, McGee?

McGee

I was saving you from yourself, Abby.

Where did you save it, McGee?

McGee

Okay, I ate it. It was late, I hadn't eaten since lunch, the machine in the break room was empty and it looked so good.

[hugs McGee] What were you thinking, McGee? She's a world-class forensic scientist. [dope-slaps him]

I bought the cupcake for Abby. [dope-slaps him]

So, how was it?

McGee

It was life-changing.

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I need a DNA swab.

McGee

What's this about?

Someone stole her cupcake.

McGee

No! It's an invasion of privacy!

[glares at him] McGee, I will get your DNA one way or the other.

Do what the woman says. She sleeps in a coffin.

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I'll call Tony.

McGee

I'll call Abby. [they both run]

ZMZiva & McGee

[via webcam] Gibbs has a father!

TATony & Abby

Tell me everything!

S6 E4 Heartland

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Do you feel that?

McGee

[digging through trash] What? Week-old bananas?

No. We are being watched.

McGee

How do you do that?

S6 E4 Heartland

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McGee

So when was the last time you went home?

I make it a point to go home every night.

S6 E4 Heartland

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I'll call Tony.

McGee

I'll call Abby. [they both run to the laptop]

[...]

ZMZiva & McGee

[via webcam] Gibbs has a father!

TATony & Abby

[back at the lab] Tell me everything!

McGee

His name is Jackson. He's a good talker. He may have winked at me.

Gibbs is very different around him.

[excitedly] Different how? Different bad? Different good?

McGee

He's like a teenager. Sort of.

Okay, I'm coming...! I'm going...! I'm leaving!