Leroy Jethro Gibbs quotes from NCIS

Ducky

Dwayne Wilson...

Gibbs

He's a baby agent.

Ducky

And I'm looking at his personnel report because...?

Gibbs

That's your thing!

Ducky

My thing? [pause] Ah, I take it that Agent Wilson is alive.

Gibbs

Oh yeah.

Ducky

So you don't want me to do an autopsy, which leaves my other thing. Psychological profile?

Tony

It's like when you bring a date home you want them to like you. You don't introduce them to your weird uncle Jethro till like the fifth date!

Gibbs

Since when are you an expert on fifth dates. DiNozzo?

Tony

You are very right, boss.

Tony

Think about it, you take a date back to your family's house, you want to make a good impression. You want them to like you. You don't introduce them to your weird Uncle Jethro until, like, the fifth date.

Gibbs

Since when are you an expert on fifth dates, DiNozzo?

Tony

You're very right about that, boss.

Tony

William Felton Russell, 5-time MVP, greatest basketball champion ever. He used to get so nervous, so pumped, he had to throw up before every game.

Ziva

You have chosen to model your behavior after a man who vomited on a regular basis?

Tony

Nine titles in eleven seasons! Hall of Fame. One night, the Celtics take the court. It's a big game, huge. Red's watching them warm up from the sidelines, but something's not right. He can tell, not clicking. He clears the floor, takes them all back down to the locker room. Why? Because Russell didn't throw up. You know what Red says next?

Gibbs

[entering] "Get in there and puke, we've got a game to win."

Ziva

What is this place?

It's classified.

Tony

Classified? What have you got in there? Aliens? Bigfoot? Ark of the Covenant? That only leaves one thing.

[in unison] Unicorn!

What is your clearance?

Tony

About six-foot one-and-a-half. Why, have you got low ceilings? [shoots a picture of the guard]

[unimpressed by Tony's stalling tactics] Just get him out of here now, would you?

Gibbs

[passes by] Can't. Protocol.

McGee

Gotta wait for the medical examiner to release him.

Ziva

And there he is.

How many trucks you guys got?

Tony

Well, you've already met Widow Woman and Spider Mike here. [indicating Ziva and McGee] The Rubber Ducky makes it a great big convoy. (after a pause) See what I did there? Seamless transition from Convoy to Smokey and the Bandit.

Ziva

Red apples. That's good Amanda.

Tony

Breakfast is served, my lady a chocolate chip cookie [Amanda saying Thank you] and some hot cocoa.

Ziva

Your aunt will be here soon to pick you up.

Thank you for helping me with my drawing, Ziva.

Gibbs

You are one brave little girl Amanda.

Where's Mi - Shi? [walking over to window] What happened to your hand?

Gibbs

[Gibbs hands Agent Lee's badge to Amanda] Mi-Shi would want you to have that.

McGee

I'm not even going to ask.

Ziva

Allow me. [To Tony] What are you doing, Tony?

Tony

Best deep in thought face.

Ziva

I guess there's a first time for everything.

Tony

[As the computer displays his picture] Nailed it. All right, Strawdog24. Beat this one. [Puts it on the webpage] Yeah, baby.

McGee

[Reading the website name] Ibeatyou.com. The place to compete online with anyone at anything.

Tony

Yeah. It's very fun. Very addictive. Look at this guy. Best air guitar. Look at that guy. Best "do the Hustle." [McGee walks back to his desk] I mean, you name it, they got it.

Ziva

The Hustle?

Tony

The Hustle. Saturday Night Fever? Travolta. [Mimics dancing in his chair]

Ziva

[Laughs sarcastically] What is the point?

Tony

What is the point of any dance? It's about letting loose. It's, you know, having a good time.

Ziva

I meant the web site, Tony.

Tony

It's... fun. It is... amusement. Light-hearted pleasure.

Ziva

I know what you're doing. I know how to have fun, Tony.

Tony

Really? Do tell.

Ziva

The Hustling and the deep thinking photos. Those are all just, you know. Child's play. Tell him, McGee. [Tony looks over in McGee's direction, as does Ziva. Both look at him oddly] McGee?

McGee

[on the same web site] Uh, I'm just working on my best psycho face here.

Tony

It's not bad, Probie. Just need to work a little bit more with the eyebrow. See what I'm saying? [Holds his hand in front of McGee as he continues making the contorted look] See how that reads? See that?

McGee

[With contorted face] Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Tony

That's what you want.

Gibbs

Would you two like some time alone together?

Ducky

Something wrong, Jethro?

Gibbs

Fingerprints found at a double homicide yesterday belong to a Petty Officer who's supposed to have been dead seventeen years. [hands Ducky a file] His death certificate.

Ducky

Oh, dear. [chuckles] Someone's in trouble. [looks at the certificate] I signed it?!

Abby

I don't know what to get anybody. What do you think Tony needs?

Gibbs

An attitude adjustment.

Abby

Gibbs, you're not helping.

Hello?

Leroy Jethro Gibbs

Merry Christmas, Dad.

Merry Christmas, son.

Gibbs

The last thing she said was "You killed my brother". Any idea why she would've said that?

Ducky

Probably because I killed her brother.

Abby

Ducky!

Ducky

Abby? Oh, how nice of you to visit.

Abby

Oh, they gave you morphine?

Ducky

Just a drop.

Gibbs

Duck, can you tell me anything about the woman who attacked you?

Ducky

My... my glasses?

Ducky

Oh, how nice of you to have held on to them while I went under the knife. Ironic, isn't it, that one knife should be the solution to... Mr. Palmer, would you please finish that thought for me?

Palmer

Sure, doctor.

Ducky

And you'll need to send for a replacement medical examiner. Uh, Jordan...

Palmer

Dr. Hampton?

Ducky

Yes. On my desk you'll find her number. While I myself lie here, getting much "numb-er." [chuckles] Nurse, more anesthetic, and don't spare the horses...

Abby

Okay, he's zonked out of his gourd, and he's still playing with words. Impressive.

Gibbs

Yeah, well the last phrase she yells means "You killed my brother". Any idea why she would've said that?

Ducky

Perhaps because I killed her brother.

McGee

Well, we know why Captain Jennings was playing with dolls. He was using the primitive electronics in Beary here to build an old school phreak box.

Gibbs

In English?

Tony

Oh, a phreak box. That's a tool that hackers used to use in the 80's to communicate remotely with computer systems.

Tony

What? Come on, guys! WarGames? Sneakers? Hackers? A very young Angelina Jolie in that...

Tony

Melinda. [looks into his little black book, then prevents Ziva from taking it]

Ziva

How many Melinda's do you have in that thing?

Tony

It could be the girl I talk to at the gym.

Ziva

You don't go to the gym.

Tony

Well maybe it was the girl I talked to at the dog park.

McGee

You don't have a dog.

Tony

Oh, it could have been that girl I met at the concession stand while my date was in the bathroom.

Ziva

You need a secretary.

McGee

Or a therapist.

Gibbs

Or both.