Tony DiNozzo quotes from NCIS

McGee

I can't believe she convinced Gibbs to go along with this.

Tony

Not an easy task.

I see you were the A student.

Tony

More like teacher's pet.

Tony

You ever see Tango & Cash?

McGee

It involve a conspiracy.

Tony

Yes it did, and this is FUBAR.

Tony

The punches were real.

That's funny. I like you.

Delilah

I know you and Tim are close.

Tony

[deadpan] We have showered together.

Bishop

So this is some sort of competition?

Tony

No. Uh-uh. After McGee's recent emancipation from coupledom, we were talking making a fresh start.

McGee

You know what's funny? Give your taste buds a breather, suddenly vegetables become a whole lot more tasty.

Tony

[sarcastically] Hilarious.

Bishop

[after Tony notices McGee hasn't shaved] I think beards are sexy. [Tony gives her a funny look] Can an NCIS agent grow one?

Tony

[to Bishop] Not you!

McGee

I'm not growing a beard. [...] I went back to the doctor's this morning. She told me I have pseudofolliculitis.

Tony

Is that a Mary Poppins song?

McGee

An internet security seminar? You?? Am I being punk'd?

Tony

No. Think about it. Who do you know that surfs more questionable websites than yours truly?

Bishop

Not something to be proud of.

McGee

You've a good point. That's what you get for being a misogynist. What do you get if you kick a dog? A trip to Hawaii?

Tony

Death by Abby.

Abby

So what, McGee, you don't check your e-mail anymore?

McGee

What? Did you send me something?

Abby

Yes, a satellite image!

McGee

[checks his e-mail] Abby, this e-mail just came through two minutes ago.

Tony

Two minutes is two years in Abby time. You know that.

Tony

You're gonna keep it as a souvenir?

Bishop

[looks at photo] Oh yeah. I've got the perfect place for it. [tosses it into the recycling bin]

Tony

[looks at phone] Delilah! A videochat!

Tony

[horrified] Oh my god, you're very naked!

Tony

Uh, sorry! [turns off phone]

Gibbs

[matter-of-factly] Teach you not to answer other people's phones, DiNozzo.

Bishop

We also have his yearly salaries, favorite bands and his political positions on everything from the Middle East to Middle-earth.

Tony

Which he's a big fan of, by the way.

Abby

I can handle Middle Earth.

Bishop

[catches Tony and McGee reading a men's magazine] You don't have to change the subject. I'm not the sex police.

Tony

How kind you are.

Bishop

Um, hello? I'm married. I have more sex than the two of you combined.

Tony

From what I hear, that's not how that works.

[to the NCIS team] Call me Leia

Tony

Like the princess.

I hate Star Wars.

Tony

[takes offense] Nobody hates Star Wars!

[smirks] You do when you're named Leia, Agent DiNozzo.