Tony DiNozzo quotes from NCIS

Abigail Borin

It's Hostage Negotiation 101, DiNozzo. Keep them stalled, keep them calm, keep them talking.

Tony

[grins] Just like dating. [Borin glares at him]

Tony

Hey...still here, Borin? Admit it, I'm growing on you.

Borin

Like a barnacle.

Tony

35 seconds...running out of time, Boss.

Gibbs

Jaime, you've got two choices. You drop the weapon and I diffuse the bomb. Or I shoot you and I diffuse the bomb.

Tony

The bomb thing, that was kinda fun right. Next time, you might want to give us a heads up tough, because I didn't pack a diaper.

Bishop

It's not that I don't want to dress up, ok? It's....it's just that Jake and I can't agree on a costume.

Tony

Phew...marriage. Here we go. [Bishop glares at him] Halloween used to be a single guy's paradise. Now it's been twisted and co-opted into some kind of couples thing.

Bishop

Didn't know you practiced yoga.

Tony

Oh yeah, balanced mind, balanced life. I've been reading Sting's biography. He's a Renaissance man.

McGee

[via microphone] Please, I just ate.

Tony

I reject your negative energy, McGee.

Gees, when you're looking for bad guys––

Tony

––they all look like bad guys.

They're playing a movie tonight at Remsen Hall. Patton again. I could hold a couple seats for us.

I'm good.

I don't mind. Front row goes fast.

Hey, Piggy, this isn't a movie. We're not gonna become unlikely friends. I just wanna be alone. [Goes back to dribbling the ball, then turns to Phelps] Alright, that was harsh. Tell you what; we can go to that movie if you want to. Cool?

Cool.

Hello? What the hell?

Cadet DiNozzo, you've been found guilty of breaking rules under the Code of Conduct. Your punishment will be delivered by Honor Corps.

I'm guessing you're the Honor Corps.

You're ours for the night, DiNozzo. And we're gonna have fun.

Yeah, I'm gonna go ahead and opt out.

No.

Alright. You really wanna do this? Huh?

DiNozzo, where the hell have you been? Basketball practice started ten minutes ago down in the weight room- you're late! [Sternly, to Golan] You'll need to make do without him.

Thanks, Coach Tanner.

Don't thank me yet. I've seen you shoot. You got talent. I meant it; you're officially on the basketball team. And officially ten minutes late. Twenty laps, DiNozzo.

Captain Landis, what day are we on?

Eighteen. Only 160 to go.

How does it feel to be back?

My God! Like we never left. Home sweet home! [Suddenly alert] We got a contact ahead. Stop the Humvee!

This is the first time Captain Landis and I met Qasim. We hit an IED during a patrol outside of Kabul.

It is okay. You will be all right.

He pulled us to safety, watched over us until our backup came. He saved our lives.

Tony

When was this?

November 2013. Landis tracked him down a few weeks later, asked Qasim to work alongside us as a translator for the remainder of our deployment.

Gibbs

You ever doubt his intentions?

Never. When you serve alongside someone, you get to know who they really are. Qasim put his life on the line for us every single day. He's family.

Bishop

We need you to reach out to your contacts, and find out who's seeking these S-mines. We need locations on these people.

Yes, well I did some research of my own, dear heart. And I know that you're after The Calling, and The Calling's after the children.

Tony

That's right.

[taps the folder Tony brought] My mother is flawed, but she's my own. And if you ever threaten her again, my response won't be civil. I'll help you. But your efforts were wasted. I would've helped you without payment and without blackmail.

Bishop

Why?

Women and children first. It was an absolute we could always agree upon. When babies are used in the wars of men... then God help us all.

Tony

[answering his phone] Director.

Leon Vance

Tell me he's alive.

Tony

He is, sir, but it's bad. They're working on him now, I'm gonna stay here 'til he's out of surgery.

Leon Vance

No, you're not. The best thing you can do for Gibbs right now is your job.

Tony

Director-

Leon Vance

If The Calling's still operating in Iraq, you need to get back there while the trail is hot.

Tony

Look sir, no one wants Daniel Budd stopped more than I do-

Leon Vance

Then we don't stop, DiNozzo. Until The Calling's dismantled and this psychopath is captured or dead. We owe Gibbs that much. Are-we-clear?

Tony

We're clear.

Tony

So on a scale of one to ten, how bad is it?

Ducky

Let's just say the scale needs recalibrating. I'm afraid it is Toxicodendron pubescens, otherwise known as Eastern Poison Oak. The symptoms are itching, inflammation, blistering...

Tony

My skin feels like the surface of ten thousand suns!

Ducky

Yes, and a propensity for the dramatic.

Tony

Hey. You okay?

Jeanne

After I found out the truth about my father... and about you, all I could do was look for something that made me feel good. And I found that in work, and in David.

Tony

I know there's nothing I could ever say or do to make you forgive me... I won't rest until we find him. You have my word.

Tony

We're ready to move on. We just don't know where to move to.

Gibbs

There's a town called Pehtok about 35 klicks northwest.

Jeanne

It's barely a town.

Tony

Are you sure the Shilluk are there?

Gibbs

I got a feeling. I'll explain later.

Jeanne

He's got a "feeling"?

Tony

[whispers] Never doubt the Gibbs gut.

Gibbs

Where's Ducky?

Palmer

Uh... that is an interesting question. The answer, uh... what was the question again?

Tony

You're perfectly aware that Gibbs is capable of eating you, right?

Palmer

It's a recurring nightmare, yes.

McGee

You're lurking.

Tony

I'm gathering data.

McGee

Ah, Bishop.

Tony

Yeah, she just got back from Oklahoma. Visiting the fam. Trying to figure out whether Jake's still in the picture or not.

Tony

Still wearing her wedding ring.

McGee

Seems in good spirits.

Tony

She dumped Jake.

McGee

They're still married.

Tony

What?

McGee

What? This Opposite Day or something?

Tony

No, every day is Opposite Day when it comes to a woman. Especially a woman scorned.

McGee

And Jake did some serious scorning.

Tony

He's a dead man. Bishop's the last person you'd expect to slit someone's throat in their sleep.

McGee

Which would make her the first.

Bishop

You know I can hear every word you're saying.

Bishop

It's the skylight. The angle causes an acoustic reflection from the stairs to my desk.

Tony

Really?

Bishop

Mm-hmm, just like Nancy at the Far East desk can hear everything I say.

Tony

Nancy, can you hear me?

McGee

Hey, Nancy.

Tony

Wow. I've been here 15 years, I... That's how he does it.

McGee

How who does what?

Tony

Gibbs. That's how he knows everything we're saying. There must be a sweet spot in this room. A little acoustic......where he can hear every single thing we say. I bet you he comes in here early and he waits, bides his time, like a howler monkey in heat waiting for exactly the right moment to...

Gibbs

Step in and finish your sentence?

Tony

Exactly. Thank you, boss.

Gibbs

Howler monkey?

Tony

Well, yeah. You know, primates are fascinating. I've been watching a lot of Discovery Channel.