Tony DiNozzo quotes from NCIS

Tony

[laughs] Heh. Abs, I hope you told Gibbs to come alone 'cause Fornell's head would explode if he saw these texts.

Better get a mop!

Diane

Tony, if you value your life, you'll turn off that computer right now!

Touch that CPU and I touch you!

Tony

Can't hear you. I have a sinus infection. I have to go get my netty pot. [flees the scene]

Ellie Bishop

Are you ok, McGee?

McGee

Was just thinking about little Emma here and the Dalys, they must be so happy

Bishop

Yeah and I feel bad about scaring them the way I did.

McGee

You still haven't gotten over that?

Bishop

Well, like they didn't have enough on their plates without me suggesting a "targeted chemical attack".

Tony

I've done worse. [Bishop looks at him] And McGee? [points to McGee] He's...remember the time with the–– [McGee looks at Tony] I'm not gonna talk about it but it's.....it's been done. You just have to move on. You made a mistake.

Bishop

A big mistake.

Gibbs

Learn from it. Move on.

Tony

Leroy Ebenezer Gibbs, did we just agree on something?

Gibbs

[deadpan, retorts] Hey! Bob Cratchit, find patient zero, huh?

Tony

And a playful movie reference. It really is starting to feel like Christmas.

Bishop

So we're looking for a bullet because....?

Tony

Clipped a guy. Could have DNA on it.

Bishop

Parsa's?

Tony

No, driver.

Bishop

Seriously??? How did you get that?

Tony

Well, it's like Gorillas in the Mist. You'll come to understand his grunts.

Probie!!

McGee

When we call, it usually means you come to us.

Bishop

At first, "Probie" sounded endearing and cute. Doesn't anymore.

Tony

Missing driver, go.

Bishop

He was a disgusting slob who lived in his truck. I found his dirty clothes, his dirty mattress, and his... dirty, dirty porn. This is all part of the rookie hazing thing, huh?

Tony

It's not hazing.

McGee

It's part of the job.

Tony

But we did learn that in addition to dirt and tight spaces Bishop is also good with heights. [pulls up a picture of Bishop climbing up a ladder, her eyes squeezed shut]

Bishop

[annoyed] This is more "hazing", I take it.

Gibbs

[matter-of-factly] Nope. It's all part of the job.

Tony

Professor X... [with accents] Lieutenant Dan...! Dr. Strangelove!

Delilah

Ah! How about Logan Cale? Jake Sully!

Tony

The old lady from Titanic...

Delilah

Hey, since you're all here, I would like to thank you for taking out that evil coward bastard Benham Parsa.

Tony

[deadpan] You know, that was actually the name on the death certificate.

Tony

Wow. Such a shame. Vintage '62 Telecaster.

Gibbs

[deadpan] Yeah. A real tragedy.

Tony

Yeah, 'cause... [looks up to see Gibbs glaring at him; smile fades from his face] The dead people are a shame too...it's just.... [looks at Gibbs sheepishly]

Tony

[to Gibbs about a suspect's appearance] Check that out. Mel Gibson wants his hair back from Lethal Weapon.

Tony

We should still arrest him for that hairdo.

Bishop

Hey, what do you have against mullets?

Tony

It's the whole decade I have trouble with. The 80's couldn't end fast enough for me.

Gibbs

Anything I can do?

Bishop

Uh, it's pretty self-explanatory, really.

Gibbs

Did you check to see if that little gizmo there is attached to that other giddy-bop?

Bishop

Mmm. Not yet. You think that'll do it?

Gibbs

If you spit on it. Sometimes that works.

Bishop

All right.

Tony

Oh, come on!

Gibbs

How's your love life, DiNozzo?

Tony

Huh?

Gibbs

You still seeing the secretary?

McGee

He means Andrea.

Bishop

Andrea. Hmm. Who's Andrea?

Tony

Andrea. Oh yeah. Yeah. She's uh, I mean, it's kind of on an as-needed basis.

Friends with benefits?

Gibbs

Yeah well those aren't benefits like dental insurance.

McGee

It's a voodoo doll that looks just like you, right down to the insincere grin. What's the note say?

Tony

Little Tony will bring you good luck and happiness. That's not funny. There's nothing funny about voodoo, ever since I saw "Live and Let Die" when I was a kid.

McGee

It's a doll. It's a stuffed toy.

Tony

So was Chucky.

McGee

[he and Gibbs find Tony in the equipment storage closet] Tony, what are you doing in the closet?

Tony

[grins sheepishly] Finding myself.

Is this about animal control?

McGee

We're tracking a man who's selling illegal Mexican chinchillas. They breed with common house rats and their offspring are especially dangerous, violent. [Landlord looks mortified] Did he leave anything behind?

No...no, no...in fact he was the first tenant who actually cleared, left the whole place smelling like bleach.

McGee

[looks at Tony] Bleach.

Does that mean somethin'???

McGee

Dissolves chinchilla fur.

Ohhhh. You guys...you're not gonna tear up the floor or anything, right?

Tony

[awkwardly] Oh...well...you hope not, but...sometimes...I mean...probably not.

I mean, it's not Taj Mahal but no reason to make it worse.