Tony DiNozzo quotes from NCIS

Gibbs

DiNozzo!

Tony

Boss?

Gibbs

Stop eating the evidence.

Tony

That was quick.

Gibbs

You solved this case? Already, DiNozzo?

Tony

No. It's my hundredth body. Hey, listen. [handing Gibbs the camera] You wouldn't mind taking a...? Sorry. It's a bad idea. It seemed less disgusting in my head.

Ziva

Compared to what else is in there, I'm sure it was.

Abby

[about floor mat in taxi] I thought it smelled like Niozoprine.

Tony

Niozoprine? [smells it and gags]

Gibbs

Industrial strength vomit cleaner.

Tony

[to Ziva] You know, McGee is really starting to nail your essence, here; '[in a low voice from McGee's book] Stakeouts. Long, endless hours fueled by cheap food and even cheaper coffee, but tonight Mossad Officer Lisa didn't seem to mind, because she was getting to spend it with Agent Tom... You're behind me again, aren't you?

Ziva

Lucky guess. [Tony grunts] You know, I think McGee is right.

Tony

He was, was he.

Ziva

It takes almost all of my willpower to resist the urges I have when I'm around you, Tony. Maybe, it's about time I just... give in, yes?

Tony

And by "give in", you mean...

Ziva

Letting loose! Doing what comes naturally to me.

Tony

Yeah, I thought I was picking up that vibe the first time we went undercover together.

Ziva

You were? In fact, I almost did it the first night in the hotel room.

Tony

Mhhm. Really?

Ziva

But my father would not approve.

Tony

Because I'm not Jewish?

Ziva

[laughing] Because gets very angry when I kill a co-worker.

Tony

Ha! Like I believed you for even a second.

Ziva

I'm sure you didn't.

Gibbs

You two done playing grab-ass?

Ziva

Oh, he started it!

Gibbs

I'm ending it.

Tony

Comfortable back there Gore Vidal?

McGee

For the last time, Deep Six is fiction.

Ziva

Fiction based on us, yes?

McGee

No! Look, if you don't believe me, read the disclaimer in the front of the book.

Tony

You buying that, Lisa? [Ziva does the "evil laugh"] Didn't think so. [straps on seat belt] Nice knowing you, Probie.

McGee

Ziva?

McGee

It's just a book!!

Gibbs

What happened to you?

McGee

Creative differences with my co-workers Boss.

Gibbs

Lot of that going around these days.

Tony

[glares at McGee] Bag and tag the ashes Probie. We'll pick you up after we coordinate with the MPs.

Palmer

Doctor, I'm going to be laying the bag out here and the burrito over here.

McGee

Palmer, I need a favor.

Palmer

You want a ride back with us.

McGee

How'd you know?

Palmer

I read your book. And for your information, I never had sexual relations with a corpse!

McGee

That character was not based on you.

Palmer

His name was Pimmy Jalmer, McGee!

McGee

Well, he's French Polynesian.

From the video presentation it's clear that sexual harassment can take many forms in the workplace. A coworker with elevator eyes looking you up and down, a coworker shows you a cartoon or photo of a sexual nature.

Tony

If you're lucky.

A coworker's hand accidentally brushes up against your body.

Ziva

If you're really lucky.

Physical contact can be divided into three categories. Green light includes normal behavior. Yellow light includes borderline behavior such as hugging someone...

Yes?

Abby

What's wrong with hugging people? I hug people all the time.

You may see it as friendly, but your coworkers may find it offensive.

Abby

You guys get offended when I hug you?!

Abby

[happily] I am hugging you all in my mind right now.

DOD policy is very clear about this point, miss. You must first ask permission before making physical contact with a coworker.

Abby

Like, every time?

Yes. Finally there's red light behavior such as deliberate unwelcome touching.

Another question?

Tony

Uh, yeah. If you slap someone on the back of the head like this... [slaps McGee's head, McGee slaps back] would that be considered inappropriate behavior?

Absolutely. Are you saying that this has actually happened?

Tony

...No. Just wondering, that's all.

Yes?

Palmer

What if your job includes touching, ah, naked people...

That is inappropriate at any time.

Palmer

Even if they're dead?

[sternly] Why are you touching dead naked people?!

Palmer

Well, I work in autopsy...

Ziva

Did you hear that, Tony? McGee just said he's not secretive!

Tony

Hm, let's see. Wrote a novel.

Ziva

Didn't tell us.

Tony

Got it published.

Ziva

Didn't tell us.

Tony

Made substantial amounts of money from said novel.

Ziva

Didn't tell us.

Tony

Anything else?

Ziva

Bought a Porsche.

Tony

Didn't tell us. Can you see how people might begin to see a pattern of secretive behavior here, Probie?

McGee

Okay look, I might have been hiding stuff, but it wasn't sneaky, it was just...

Ziva

Deceptive.

Tony

Sneaky.

McGee

Self-preservation. If I told you guys I was writing a novel, you would have laughed at me.

Tony

True.

Ziva

True.

Tony

Morse code is a dying art.

Ziva

It was for him.

Tony

I got a bad feeling about this. [looks at McGee] We let the Elf Lord go in and we may never get him out.

McGee

Getting old Tony.

Gibbs

Tony, you and Ziva take the back. Elf Lord, you're with me.

McGee

So this is the guy Ziva was drooling on.

Ziva

I wasn't drooling!

Tony

At least I saw you undressing him with your bedroom eyes.

Ziva

At least I'm not the one asking him if he waxed his eyebrows.

Jenny

You were supposed to keep Mister Harrow under surveillance, not chase him into a coronary!

McGee

Director, once he made us, we had to take him into custody, didn't we?

Ziva

No, the Director's right. We could of let Haro escape. If he sold ARES, we could of caught "Black Rose" or "La Grenouille" selling it to Iran!

Jenny

Don't be cute, Officer David! I'm saying there had to be a better way! Right Tony? [Jenny glares at Tony for some support]

Tony

Uh, that's right Director. They could've -

Gibbs

- Shot him.

Tony

That's right, they could have shot him.

Gibbs

Of course, in high octane situation, Ziva reverts to her Mossad training and probably would've put a round through his heart.

Ziva

Three rounds...

Gibbs

And McGee, not to be outdone, would've -

McGee

- Added three more rounds.

Jenny

Gibbs...

Gibbs

See, there you go. Six rounds, same result. One dead Mister Harrow.

Ziva

That's Ares?

Tony

According to McGeek. Ziva watch the road!

Ziva

I have great peripheral vision.

Tony

My sphincter doesn't.

Ziva

At least we won't have trouble finding it.

Tony

Really?

Ziva

Tony, it's the size of an ATM!

Ziva

Will you tell me her name if I find the pirate's copy of ARES?

Tony

Pirated copy.

Ziva

That's what I said.

Tony

No, you said pirate's copy. A pirate is a person like 'Captain Jack Sparrow'. A pirated copy...

Ziva

Who is 'Jack Sparrow'?

Tony

Johnny Depp.

Ziva

He's a pirate?

Tony

No, he's an actor.

Ziva

Oh.

Tony

How did we get here?

Ziva

I drove.

Ziva

This is going to be like looking for a needle in a needle stack

Tony

Needle in a haystack.

Ziva

I like my description better.