Tony DiNozzo quotes from NCIS

Tony

[as Ziva enters] Oh, this should be interesting. Goliath, I'd like you to meet one of our Israeli friends.

Ziva

[in Hebrew] You are a traitor to our country and our people.

[in Hebrew] I never sell weapons to Hamas or Hezbollah!

Ziva

[in English] You sell to people who do!

Tony

You're lucky she doesn't have her slingshot.

Zaire? You are taking me to Zaire?

Ziva

You sold a shipment of RPGs to their army. They were very disappointed with the quality of the merchandise.

Tony

I believe the President himself is eager to discuss how you stiffed him.

Ziva

He, in turn, has some information Mossad needs...

Tony

And we owe Mossad a favor since they told us you were in D.C., so here we are. We deliver you to Zaire, the President gives Mossad the information it needs, and everyone is happy.

Ziva

[eyeing Goliath] Well, not everyone.

[desperate] Please, I-I am very wealthy. I have diamonds!

Tony

[pretends to wince] Ooh, you had diamonds. This jet is very expensive, and somebody had to pay for it.

Ziva

At Mossad we have a saying: Knives don't run out of bullets. Now, any questions pertaining to this class?

Tony

I've got one. You ever killed anyone with a spoon?

Ziva

No, but I am seriously considering it.

Tony

It's almost unfair interrogating junkies.

Ziva

It's like shooting fish in a pond.

I um… I think you mean a barrel.

Ziva

Why would a fish be in a barrel?

Um... I, um... it's a good point. I never really thought about it before.

Ziva

Mm-hmm.

Ziva

Where are WE going?

Tony

We're not going anywhere.

Ziva

Who are you taking, McGee?

Ziva

This is killing me. I feel like I know him.

Tony

Mossad?

Ziva

Maybe.

Tony

Internet dating?

Ziva

I will kill you eighteen different ways with this paperclip.

Tony

Clothes make the man, what does that make McGee?

Ziva

Male nurse?

Tony

No, Aquasmurf.

McGee

Found something.

Tony

Is it dangerous?

McGee

Do you want kids...? Kidding.

Ziva

I have been working for thirty straight hours!

McGee

This is my fourth cup of the day!

Tony

Mossad. Hot liquid. Let her have it, McGee.

Ziva

Thanks.

Tony

Who's the designer?

Ziva

Why do you assume I know?

Tony

Because...

Ziva

Because-because I'm a woman? Because I'm Jewish?

Tony

Because you're a great detective.

Ziva

...True.

Ziva

They say the clothes make the man.

Tony

He's not a man, he's a McGee.

Abby

(to McGee, holding a dollar bill and a candy bar) Give me a dollar.

McGee

Okay. What's wrong with that one?

Abby

The machine wouldn't take it. And I want a candy bar.

McGee

What's wrong with that candy bar?

Abby

It has nougat in it.

McGee

But you hate nougat.

Abby

I know! It was a mistake, McGee! Do you have a dollar?!

McGee

All I have are big bills.

Ziva

What is nougat?

Tony

It's whipped dolphin fat.

McGee

No. That's the filling in Klowny Kake.

Abby

That is a myth. [Shouts] Would someone please give me a dollar?!

Tony

Sure, I got one.

Abby

Thanks. God, it's like some kind of crime to not like nougat! [Leaves]

Ziva

I don't even know what nougat is!

Gibbs

It's a cream, made from sugar, honey and nuts. Grab your gear. Got an explosion at a Marine's funeral in James River National.

McGee

Did anyone else see what just happened there with Abby?

Tony

Yeah. She stole my dollar.

McGee

She definitely seemed Un-Abby.

Ziva

Who?

Tony

Abby.

Ziva

Abby's unhappy?

Tony

No. Abby's Un-Abby. I need you to focus here, okay? Pitch in. I'll talk to her when I can.

McGee

Why you?

Tony

Because dealing with an angry woman requires a great deal of sensitivity. Clearly not an area of expertise for you.

McGee

Well, I don't doubt that you have more experience with angry women.

Tony

See? That wasn't very sensitive, was it?

Ziva

The man has one serious relationship and all of the sudden, he's an expert.

Tony

All right, there is one clear-cut, undeniable reason why I should be the one to talk to Abby: She owes me a dollar.

McGee

I was right, wasn't I? There is something wrong with Abby.

Tony

Let it go, Probie.

McGee

Why?

Tony

Because I'm pretty sure it was something you did.

Gibbs

DiNozzo, David, wait here.

Tony

You sure about that, Boss...? Of course, because if you weren't, you'd be saying, "DiNozzo, David, follow me." PROBIE, STOP IT!