Tony DiNozzo quotes from NCIS

Tony

We [he and McGee] watched the sunrise together. It was very Brokeback Mountain.

McGee

He had me at "howdy."

What's going on? Hey! Hey! Stop pointing the gun at my wife!

Ziva

She tried to rat on us.

Tony

She means rabbit.

Ziva

Rabbit, yes!

...and I can only think of one explanation. It was the hand of God!

Ziva

[to Tony] Can Gibbs arrest God?

Tony

I don't know. It's like The Thing trying to bring in The Hulk.

Tony

Much better. Before I smelled like dirt and sweat. Now I smell like dirt, sweat..[looks at bottle label]...and sandalwood.

Ziva

[enters building] Good morning! [spots Tony at her desk] What are you doing at my desk?

Tony

Couldn't find my deodorant so I used yours.

Ziva

No you didn't.

Tony

Yeah we're partners. What's the big deal?

Ziva

A hair! [throws bottle into her trashcan]

Tony

Come on. You attach electrodes to men's testicles and you're getting squeamish about a hair? I'm not gonna feel bad. Those ground radar techs didn't show 'till dawn. McGee and I watched the sunrise together. It was very Brokeback Mountain.

McGee

He had me at "howdy."

Ziva

How romantic. I'm sorry I missed it.

Tony

What does your gut tell you Boss?

Gibbs

[typing at his computer, nods to McGee] Take your shirt off.

Tony

Here we go.

McGee

[stares at Gibbs] I know it's kinda messy...

Gibbs

Your shirt McGee. Take it off, now.

Gibbs

Take it down to Abby. [McGee stares at him] Or would you rather wait for a search warrant?

McGee

Rebecca's DNA [desperately to Tony] Can I borrow one of your shirts?

Tony

[smiles at him] You're afraid all that white might burn out Abby's corneas?

McGee

Do not make me walk around like a sold date. Come on, help me out.

Tony

All right. I can't resist a damsel in distress. [takes shirt off and hands it to McGee] Here, take this. I'll get a fresh one.

Ziva

[smirking from her desk] Wow. It's just like Chippendales. Without the bow ties or muscles.

Ziva

The boy saw a car leaving the scene that looked like a "Karuma." I'm not familiar with the model.

Gibbs

"Karuma" is Japanese for "car," Ziva.

Tony

Your description of the car is "car." Nice work, Officer David.

McGee

The Karuma's the name of a car in Grand Theft Auto III. It's a Chrysler Sebring Sedan.

Tony

McGeek with the save!

McGee

Look, I know what I saw. Someone policed the brass and tried to wipe up the blood.

Tony

Who, Probie-- the crime scene fairies? There's no one here!

Tony

Something just touched my foot. Something's under the couch!

McGee

Maybe it's the, uh, crime scene fairy, Tony.

Tony

I hate Halloween

Ziva

What happened to them?

Tony

I told you, it's Halloween.

Ducky

Sorry we're late, we had a run-in with some local youths.

Gibbs

Yeah, I can see that.

McGee

Did you get a good look at 'em?

Ducky

Oh, we did better than that. (to Palmer) Release the captives!

Where are we? We said we're sorry!

Tony

Nice work, Palmer!

Palmer

Oh, it wasn't me, Tony. Dr. Mallard chased them three blocks!

Tony

Did I miss something?

Ziva

Gibbs just found his fourth ex-wife.

Tony

Ziva! Hey! What the hell are you doing?

Ziva

I can disarm it.

Tony

Okay... Well, great. Let's go outside and talk about this.

Ziva

If it detonates before EOD gets here, we'll lose evidence.

Tony

Well, what a bummer! That would be a real shame. Ziva! Ziva! [running after her] This has to be the stupidest thing any human being has ever done!

Ziva

Then why are you following me, Tony?

Tony

I don't frickin' know!

Tony

[watching as Ziva disarms a bomb] I can see down your shirt right now.

Ziva

I don't think your new girlfriend would like that.

Tony

What are you talking about? I don't know what you're talking about.

Ziva

I'm talking about you, and the fact that you no longer stare at every woman when they pass you by.

Tony

Well, I'm looking down your shirt right now.

Ziva

See anything good?

Tony

Yeah. Real good, but I'm not entirely sure it's worth dying -- [winces as Ziva cuts a wire] -- over.

Ziva

Not worth dying over. [zips up her jacket] I'll remember that.

Tony

What if I said it was?

Ziva

Now you'll never know.

Tony

Looks like this guy's a couple puppies short of a pet shop!

Ziva

Most suicide bombers are.

Gibbs

There's more than one reason to kiss a girl.

Tony

There is?

Jeanne

I know something else we could do to stay warm.

Tony

Really? I wonder what that could be? Coffee?

Jeanne

Dancing!