Tony DiNozzo quotes from NCIS

Ziva

He won't talk unless I...

Tony

No torture.

Ziva

He won't talk.

Tony

Try.

Ziva

Okay, but you're tying my feet.

Tony

Hands.

Ziva

Those, too.

Tony

There is only one thing you need to know about Officer David.

Don't make her mad.

Tony

So, technically, really, there are two things. And the other one is, she can take care of herself.

Tony

Who was that?

Abby

Where?

Tony

On the phone.

Abby

Oh, um, it was the nuns.

McGee

Nuns?

Abby

Yeah, y'know, nuns with the big white hats and the --

McGee

Habits. Yeah, they're called habits, the white hats.

Abby

Yep, that's right. They called… to say that bowling was canceled.

McGee

[amused] Bowling nuns.

Abby

Geez, McGee, what are you on some kind of anti-nun crusade here?

Ziva

Things are bad enough for NCIS as it is, Tony. You can't --

Tony

[interrupting] I don't remember asking your opinion, Officer David.

Ziva

You see? He's been completely insufferable since you left.

Gibbs

That true, Tony?

Tony

When I need to be.

Gibbs

Yeah? Maybe you were the right man for the job.

Gibbs

I got this little girl who wants to go home to her dad, and that's not gonna happen without your help. So... please?

Tony

Did Gibbs just say...?

McGee

(stunned) Mm-hmm.

Ziva

It's really not that bad, McGee.

McGee

For a spy you're a horrible liar.

Ziva's right. You can hardly notice. But...

McGee

But?

I wouldn't let Agent DiNozzo see it if I were you.

Tony

Let Agent DiNozzo see what?

McGee

(mumbles) Nothing.

Tony

Why are you mumbling, McGee?

McGee

(mumbles) I'm not mumbling.

Tony

Well, you either just said "mimes aren't rumbling" or "I'm not mumbling." And I don't see any mimes. Agent Lee, why is Agent McGee mumbling?

He over-bleached his teeth, Sir. Apparently he fell asleep while wearing his bleaching tray, Sir.

Tony

You don't watch Friends, do you? Same thing happened to Ross. You could have learned from our friend's mistake. But you chose to read instead! Let me see the damage.

McGee

(mumbles) No.

Tony

As team leader, people, I need to be aware of any condition that might affect an agent's ability to perform his or her duties.

Ziva

And what does having embarrassingly white teeth have to do with performing his duties?

McGee

You said it was not that bad!

Tony

She lied! Open up your mouth.

McGee

(mumbles) No.

Tony

Let me see the Chiclets.

McGee

(mumbles) No.

Tony

Let me see them.

McGee

(mumbles) No.

Tony

Open your - Gibbs!

McGee

What is...?

Tony

I have no idea.

Ziva

Oh, okay. I understand.

Tony

Understand what?

Ziva

You feel a little threatened now that Gibbs is back.

Tony

I do not!

Ziva

You have been whining like a little snitch all week!

Tony

The term is 'bitch'.

Ziva

I know. I was being polite.

Tony

Okay, I got used to being in charge!

Ziva

You better get unused to being in charge before Gibbs decides to shoot you.

Tony

Wow... even with Gibbs as a father, I'd date her.

Gibbs

Never more than once, DiNozzo.

Abby

Aw, you and the Director make nice Gibblets, Gibbs.

Jenny

You're turning down a promotion because of Gibbs' mustache?

Tony

He called Ziva 'Kate' yesterday

Tony

So I got used to being in charge, sue me! (goes to grab car door, so does Ziva)

Ziva

Is there a reason why you always have to drive?

Tony

I could say it's because I'm the senior field agent, but mostly because I want to live.

Ziva

Then I recommend you getting unused to being in charge before Gibbs decides to kill you.

Tony

Chances of finding her alive drop to almost zero after 48 hours. [looks at Gibbs] Sorry. I'm sure you knew that, boss.

Gibbs

Don't apologize, DiNozzo.

Tony

Right. Sign of weakness.

Ziva

Not to mention annoying.

Gibbs

[about the missing case file on Operation Sunburst] Check the log; who booked it out last?

Tony

The CIA. So I guess that's not a who, it's more of an it.

Gibbs

Who was the NIS case agent?

Tony

What time is it in Mexico right now?

Gibbs

Cantina time.

McGee

Ziva thinks that all men are liars.

Tony

Really? Ha, so if I were to lie to you, you would be able to tell?

Ziva

Particularly you.

Tony

[grins] You think?

McGee

Wouldn't go there, Tony.

Tony

Oh, watch and weep. True or false: I had eggs for breakfast this morning.

Ziva

True.

Tony

Lucky guess. Last night, I had a date with a very beautiful woman.

Ziva

False.

Tony

She's good. My first car was a shiny new red Corvette.

Ziva

False. Strike three. I win.

Tony

[looks bothered] How did -- how did you do that?

Ziva

When you said you had a red Corvette, you looked down and to your left. A tell-tale sign when people lie.

Tony

And the date?

Ziva

Tony, if you had gone out with a beautiful woman last night, you would have talked about it all day.

Tony

I would?

McGee

Oh yeah.

Tony

Okay, but how could you possibly know that I had eggs for breakfast this morning?

Gibbs

Gear up! Got a message from a dead guy.

Tony

Ready to roll, boss!

Gibbs

[walks past as the team grabs their stuff] DiNozzo?

Tony

Yeah, boss?

Gibbs

You got egg on your shirt.

Ziva

[smiles] Not just your shirt...

Tony

Women want men to lie to them.

Ziva

Not true.

Tony

[In feminine voice] "Honey, does my butt look big in these pants to you?" [In masculine voice] "Actually, yes, sweetheart. Your butt looks as big as Alabama. Didn't want to say anything, but you got the 'Bama butt going on."