Tony DiNozzo quotes from NCIS

Gibbs

Looks like they're putting decoder rings in cereal boxes again. [the team just stares at him] ...What?

Tony

Uh... little before our time, boss.

Tony

[doing Sean Connery impression] He has a license to kill, McGee.

Ziva

He has full diplomatic immunity.

Tony

Wish I had a neighbor like that. Old bat that lives next to me complains every time I bring a date home. Want to know why?

Ziva

Shouting out "no means no!"?

Tony

Ha, that's a good one, but that's a good one, but not even close.

Ziva

I was actually kidding.

Tony

Oh.

Ziva

I have the same problem at my place Tony.

Tony

Really? You have a surround-sound system too?

Ziva

No, I'm what you Americans like to call a "screamer", yes?

Ziva

This woman is a total turd! [Tony looks at her strangely] A geek, yes?

Tony

The term is nerd.

McGee

Sounds like a bloodbath.

Tony

Mondays. How many bodies we talkin' about here?

Gibbs

Who said anything about a body, DiNozzo?

McGee

Apparently there was some kind of bloodbath.

Tony

Mondays. What's the body count?

Gibbs

Who said anything about a body, DiNozzo?

Abby

Why do I feel like everyone's staring at me?

McGee

Because they are.

Abby

Did I do something wrong?

Tony

Have you ever been to Disneyland, Abby?

Abby

Every summer.

Tony

Yeah. You know those camera toting tourists with white socks up to their knees wearing fannypacks?

Abby

Well, yeah. We spend half the time laughing about [Abby looks down- she is wearing white knee length socks and a plaid skirt and has a camera around her neck]-- oh, my God. I've turned into my Uncle Larry.

Tony

This is so "Usual Suspects"...

Ziva

Tony, your dying words would be, "I've seen this film."

Ziva

I'm confused.

McGee

So am I, and I saw the DVD twice.

Tony

The Sound of Music confuses you, Probie.

Ziva

I love that movie!

Tony

One note, and I will lock you in a room and make you listen to "It's A Small World" for twenty-four hours straight. Do we understand each other?

Ziva

[muffled] Mmm-hmm.

McGee

[as he's leaving] On it, boss!

Tony

[smiles] I do love it when he calls me boss.

Ziva

Is that why you're being nice to him?

Tony

I'm not being nice. Lugging foot lockers is probie work. [Ziva gives him a knowing look] ...All right, I cut the probie some slack.

Tony

Shouldn't he be awake by now?

Jenny

You know Gibbs. He keeps his own schedule. Do you know what REM is?

Tony

Sure. Rapid Eye Movement. It happens when you're asleep and dreaming.

Jenny

That's what it looks like he's doing now.

Tony

Oh well, that's gotta be a good sign right?

Jenny

If it isn't a nightmare.

Ziva

Oh! Listen to the pot call the kettle black. Got that right, didn't I?

Tony

No.

Ziva

Yes!

Ziva

You know what that means?

Tony

The director's taking over the investigation.

Ziva

Probably, but I was thinking if Gibbs doesn't remember the last 15 years, he'll be a probie.

Tony

Gibbs would never let her take over.

Ziva

Not the old Gibbs... "Probie Gibbs"?? (Tony jumps up, running after Director Shepard)

Tony

My gut tells me we're missing something.

Ziva

Gibbs?

Tony

Yeah. Gibbs.

Ziva

He'll only talk if I can...

Tony

No torture.

Ziva

There's no other way.

Tony

Find one.

Ziva

Okay, but you're tying my feet.

Tony

Hands.

Ziva

Those, too.