[In Malta, Geronimo confronts three henchman in a classic spaghetti-Western showdown.]
The Ugly, the Ugly, and the Ugly.
S10Final Justice
Carnival? Is it a big carnival?
CACrow [as Geronimo]
Can I get a balloon?
[Bad guy Palermo, disguised as a robed priest, runs from Geronimo.]
Guess he's a... felonious monk!
. . .
SAServo [as Palermo]
I'm gonna nail some theses to his head!
[Joe Don Baker is wearing a cowboy outfit]
Meat Loaf, Texas Ranger.
[Geronimo shoots an Italian suspect and he falls from a small ledge in slow motion.]
CCrow
In the time it takes him to fall, the government in Italy changes three times!
[The MST3K crew makes fun of the television version's censorship during a particularly profanity-heavy scene.]
PPalermo
[After his brother has been shot by Geronimo.] You son of a-- [Audio edit]!
...what?
Huh. What do you think he's a son of? Son of a preacher man? Son of a son of a sailor, maybe?
. . .
PPalermo
You son of a-- [Audio edit]!
SAServo [as Palermo]
Uh... something!
. . .
Get off your knees, you son of a-- [Audio edit]!
MAMike [as Geronimo]
Same thing you said!
. . .
PPalermo
I swear to God, you're gonna pay for this, you-- [Audio edit]!
SAServo [as Palermo]
I'll kill you, but I won't curse you!
. . .
[Much, much later in the movie...]
Maybe this would be a good time to call him a "son of a-- [Audio edit]!"
You've got the right to remain silent.
Oh, he is a real cop!
[Knocks the suspect out.] And all that other ****.
...oh.
[Geronimo leaps from a car just before it explodes.]
CCrow
Joe Don Baker's famous delayed reaction farts!
. . .
[As the fiery explosion clears, a car door inexplicably falls from the sky.]
And God sends a door chassis from Heaven.
[In the final showdown, Geronimo cuts his own catchphrase off halfway through to shoot Palermo dead.]
Our hero: a big, stinky cheater!
[Over the end credits theme, "You Better Run" by Bill Scott]
BSBill Scott
You better ru-u-un
Or he'll steal your lunch!
BSBill Scott
You better hi-i-ide
CCrow
...your lu-u-unch!
BSBill Scott
You better ru-u-un
Cause he's got the runs!
BSBill Scott
Cause he won't stop till he gets his man
CCrow
Or your lu-u-unch!
Oh yeah!
Woo!
CCrow
Lay it!
. . .
BSBill Scott
They say his kind isn't bound for heaven/The ranger...
CCrow
Takes a roast and wraps it in bacon
BSBill Scott
That may be true
But there's potatoes on the si-i-ide! Woo!
CCrow
Yeah! Pass the gravy now!
You know, maybe we should lay off the food jokes, guys.
CCrow
Yeah, I guess it's not really fair to Joe Don Baker.
I mean, some people just metabolize a little slower –
MEATBALLS FRIED IN LA-A-ARD!
CCrow
All right, Servo! Sorry, Mike, all bets are off.
Oh, come on now.
CSCrow and Servo
Eat, eat, eat, eat, eat, eat, eat, eat, munch, munch, munch, munch, chew, chew, chew, chew, gorge, gorge, gorge, gorge, burp, burp, burp, burp, STUFF LOTS OF FOOD IN YOUR MEAN BABY FA-A-ACE!
Oh, now you guys prepared that.
CCrow
Come on, it's an obvious line, Mike.
Pork chops, cream puffs, candy bars!
CCrow
Pizzas, Cheetos, Mallomars!
He won't stop till he eats it a-a-all!
MLMike [leaves]
Yeah, OK, that's it. I'm going, you guys. Do your food jokes.
CCrow
Yeah! Give me seconds, baby!
Hey, baby, you gonna finish that?
CCrow
Anyone gonna eat that last piece of cake? 'Cause I will!
Aw, somebody give me a napkin!
S10Hamlet
[The first scene takes place in what looks like a barred room.]
San Quentin prison presents Shakespeare.
[The members of court are performing a dance.]
[singing] "Night fever, night fever/We know how to do it!"
[A dishevelled Hamlet with mussed hair ominously approaches Ophelia.]
SAServo [as Hamlet]
Ugh. I stuck a fork in the outlet.
. . .
[Hamlet stares intently at Ophelia, then puts a hand to his head.]
MAMike [as Hamlet]
[in stoner voice] Oh, man. Me and Horatio got blasted on aquavit -- woke up on the express bus to Copenhagen.
CACrow [as Hamlet]
Stepdad, could you help me with my science fair project?
SAServo [as the Ghost]
SCROOGE! Oh, wait, wrong story.
These quotes come from Wikiquote's Mystery Science Theater 3000 pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.