TV show quotes
I invite you to suffer through today's movie. It's called Merlin's Shop of Mystical Wonders, and it's a delightful Bambi romp through a flowery fairy land of happy, harmless, fru-fru family fun for the whole family of all ages ... or IS IT!? Taste the rainbow of fruit pain!
[seeking help from a psychic in regards to the monkey] Why do I have to deal with it alone?
Listen to me, David! As a psychic, I have an aura of a certain nature that the demon would unquestionably sense!
Wake up!
The moment I set foot in your house, all hell would break loose, literally!
Yeah, but what am I supposed to do? I don't know anything about evil spirits-
[seemingly agitated] Get that toy out of your house!
You idiot!
I have a feeling that's not going to be so easy to do.
[Adrianne gives David a medallion]
You want some peanuts?
What's that?
It's called a bethogram.
I sense the demon's name is Beth.
This is supposed to protect me from the demon, huh?
Yes, just keep it in your possession at all times.
Great, should I wear garlic around my neck, too?
My God, David!
You moron!
I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I just wish that you could come-
I know! I am sorry! I wish I could do the exorcism for you, but this is something you'll have to do on your own!
Damn it!
And remember David, NEVER let it know!
You stupid bastard! I could stab you in the eyes right now, so help me God!!!
Mike [as Merlin, who is standing still nodding to himself while looking around the room]: I did a good job painting this room
And so, Billy, the little boy who looks just like you, went through terrible, irredeemable grief!
No, Grandpa Borgnine, leave light and hope for me! Please!
Get out from behind that cushion, Billy! It gets worse!
[Credits read: "A David Hue production"].
In association with Bob Tet Offensive Productions.
[The opening credits identify actor Robert Z'Dar.]
Oh z'no.
[As the movie opens, the Runaway (Swiss martial-arts actor Daniel Bernhardt) creeps along a wall.]
Hey, it's Jean Claude Van Damme!
Eh, it's more like Jean Claude Gosh Darn.
[Armed with a shotgun, Fred, a hefty African-American man, follows him.]
Am I Ving Rhames? I can't remember.
[A midget Tyrannosaurus rex (actually a hand puppet) growls at the Runaway in an alley.]
He's a Cute-a-saurus!
[The T-Rex lunges for the Runaway's neck]
He's being attacked by a schnauzer in a dinosaur costume.
[The Runaway stabs the creature in the neck and he goes down quickly.]
[laughs] Wow, that was easy! Maybe it was butterflies that wiped out the dinosaurs?
[Shortly after the Runaway escapes, the dinosaur explodes.]
Ooh...no wonder fossils are so rare!
[A homeless man is attacked and eaten by a dinosaur.]
You know, this has got to be about the last thing you worry about when you're living in a dumpster.
[The Runaway flees through a shipping yard and throws obviously empty cardboard boxes at his pursuer.]
Boxes of air, shipped anywhere overnight.
. . .
Maybe they ship fully inflated balloons overseas?
. . .
[The Runaway finds himself at a dead end among the boxes.]
He's boxed in!
Yeah, well, I'm card-bored.
[from a high-angle shot, the main character throws a harpoon and clearly hits nothing, but the puppet dinosaur keels over]
So when you edit this, it's going to look like I hit him, right?
Hey, how did you know who I was?
Fred Burrows told us how he got you to give him a ride. Don't worry, you're free to go.
Fred Burrows?
Somebody look in your Rolodex for a Fred Burrows.
[Shot of the Runaway in a jail cell]
Fred Burrows! Help me!
[Characters are hunting dinosaurs, with incessant deep bell music]
According to the bells, it's 97 o'clock.
These quotes come from Wikiquote's Mystery Science Theater 3000 pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.
