[Cooper and Madeline proceed to leave Merlin's shop after his warning Cooper about using any of the spells in his spellbook]
SAServo [as Cooper]
Look, my reviews have destroyed whole cities!
S10Merlin's Shop of Mystical Wonders
[Novice magician Cooper is force-feeding a potion to his cat Miffy with a dropper.]
SAServo [as Miffy]
Meow, meow... safe! Meow, meow... very safe!
[Aged with magic use, Cooper infuses his cat with an evil spirit and then fire-breathes on it to stop its attacks.]
SAServo [as Madeline]
Honey? You okay down there?
MAMike [as Cooper]
Well, I got old and roasted the cat alive with my breath, but I'm fine!
[Merlin's wife Zurella orders him to retrieve the evil cymbal-monkey toy.]
Don't I get a kiss?
ZZurella
You'll get a lot more than that if you don't get out there and find that thing! Now, go!
So, she threatened him with sex?
[David's son is watching a Japanese cartoon on TV.]
Why, here's something else Satan created: Japanimation!
It's the anime version of Peter Rabbit.
[David is attempting to escape from a crack in the earth created by the evil toy monkey.]
God help me!
SAServo [as God]
Sorry, Unitarian. According to you, I'm in the butterflies and the sun, and I'm just a vague, benevolent force. [muttering] You're on your own.
CACrow [as Merlin]
I'm going to hit the mystical can.
. . .
CACrow [as Merlin]
Remember to believe in magic... or I'll kill you.
[Merlin is giving Cooper sage advice.]
Heed my words....
MAMike [as Merlin]
...munch my shorts....
[Cooper is "reviewing" Merlin's shop.]
Do you know who I am? I am the supreme being!
Clapton?
I chew places like this up and spit them into the toilet.
[laughs] Why?
[Merlin is practically purring to Madeline.]
Ohh, Mrs. Cooper...
MAMike [as Merlin]
...you fine!
[A burglar alarm goes off, as a seedy looking man runs off into the alley.]
CCrow
Merlin was a thieving crack head, who fenced VCR's to feed his habit.
[A kid looks at the front of Merlin's shop as the movie goes into slow motion.]
SAServo [as the Kid]
[slowly] Loooooooook, mommmmmmmy!
[Cooper is grinning at Merlin's expense.]
You really think you are Merlin, don't you?
CACrow [as Cooper]
My cheek-lines disagree.
[Cooper has cast a spell that allows him to breathe fire using Merlin's book]
Surely, Merlin has brought good into the world!
[Grandpa has just finished telling his grandson the awful Merlin story that he wrote for TV]
CACrow [as Grandpa]
I have another script called Chinatown, but I don't like it as much.
These quotes come from Wikiquote's Mystery Science Theater 3000 pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.