[Judy is preparing Ted's soup.]
SAServo [as Ted]
[sulkily] General wants to go find the aadgjka melting man.
JNJudy Nelson
What're you gonna do?
CACrow [as Ted]
Well, first I've gotta lose a little weight.[N]
Uh... did you get some crackers? I told you yesterday that we needed some crackers.
JNJudy Nelson
Oh, I forgot. I knew there was something...
SAServo [as Judy]
[annoyed with herself] Aadgka.
JNJudy Nelson
Y'know there's uh, there's a pad right by the phone y'know, you could write it down too.
[She brings over his soup.]
Y'know they made a mistake and they just went home with the actors.
[Crow laughs over Judy asking about Steve.]
[ignoring the question] So, we don't have any crackers?
JNJudy Nelson
Ted. Steve?
SAServo [as Ted]
Steve had crackers!
I've got to go out and find Steve.
Because nobody else is supposed to know.
CACrow [as Ted]
Rye crisps, Sociables, anything?!
[At the film's end, another rocket launches into space.]
So, they learned nothing.
Well, I learned somethin', Mike: I learned that doctors don't care.
I learned that southern California can get cold enough for a snorkel jacket.
[reading the credit for Burr DeBenning] I learned never to name a child "Burr".
Mike, I've written a short sketch about Burr DeBenning. Ahem... "Hi, what's your name?" "Burr." "Oh here, take my coat. Now what's your name?" "Burr!" Heh-heh... ha...
Well, I also learned never to scream "I'm Ted Nelson" to a security guard.
I learned that half-eaten turkey legs make very tepid ironic statements.
We learned it's good to have Saltines around your house.
I learned that sheriffs are full of pyrotechnics.
[Mike notices a credit for Jonathan Demme on the screen.]
Jonathan Demme?! Ah, who cares. Anyway?
Uh, once again, we learned that NASA is staffed by two or three people, tops.
And they hire civilian doctors to head up their recovery program.
What else, what else? ...Oh, I learned that some nurses can't find properly fitting uniforms. You?
Musta learned something else... Oh, we learned some cats can open the refrigerator, get the milk, bring the milk into the middle of the kitchen, throw it up in the air, drop it on the floor, shatter it all over the place.
Well, we also learned that if you're a melting man, you can have a short but successful career as a sprinter.
Me, I learned that I should never marry a passive, immobile doctor named Ted Nelson who doesn't ever do anything. And I certainly shouldn't have his baby.
I think that's very sound. Oh, you know what? I learned that I can use the word "Aadgka!" as an expletive, if necessary.
I learned that if you're gonna have a general over for dinner, you better have turkey legs and beer on hand.
Well, we learned that lights and lighting really aren't necessary to make a film these days.
Well, I think I learned that I shouldn't go to Saturn unless I have the proper protective gear.
[Mike gets up from his seat and stretches.]
Yep, yep. Right now I'm learnin' that even though this movie is about eighty minutes long, it feels like Berlin Alexanderplatz.
I also learned that some sheriffs aren't married. Did you know that?
[sitting down] Yes I did. I learned it was impossible to look good in the '70s.
I learned that even if you chop a monster's arm off, it'll only make him stronger and more powerful.
Yep. And I learned that you can just fill in crucial elements of the plot whenever it's convenient. I did not know that.
We've learned that if you're put in charge of an urgent, top secret government project, it really doesn't matter if you do anything.
Yah, yup. And we learned that sometimes, people can abuse spirit gum and latex.
[As the film starts, squads of Stormtrooper-like men roughly drag people out of homes. In the background, a loudspeaker continually blares]
LLoudspeaker
You are ordered to leave the Bronx! I repeat, you are ordered to leave the Bronx!
[A man is thrown out a window]
MAMike [as Man]
I forgot my luggage...!
LLoudspeaker
This area has been declared uninhabitable, and destined for demolition! Leave now, and leave peacefully!
[The same man is roughly grabbed and thrown into the street]
CACrow [as Man]
Okay, you convinced me!
LLoudspeaker
You have nothing to fear! The government guarantees to relocate all of you in comfortable, up-to-date, alternative accommodations!
[The man, and others like him, are thrown against a wall and collapse, cringing.]
LLoudspeaker
Leave the Bronx!
SAServo [as Loudspeaker]
Even though this is Italy, leave the Bronx!
LLoudspeaker
I repeat, you are ordered to leave the Bronx!
MAMike [as Loudspeaker]
You, too, Henry Silva.
LLoudspeaker
The area has been declared uninhabitable and destined for demolition!
CACrow [as Loudspeaker]
Therefore, we suggest you--
AAAll [as Loudspeaker]
Leave the Bronx!
LLoudspeaker
...leave peacefully! You have nothing to fear! The government guarantees to relocate all of you in comfortable...
[The loudspeaker fades out as we see a van with a radio antenna.]
SAServo [as loudspeaker on van]
Vote Johnson! Vote Johnson!
. . .
Hey, I had my radio on. I didn't hear... are we supposed to leave the Bronx?
[The Disinfesters, wearing shiny, reflective uniforms, move through a gutted building.]
CACrow [as Disinfester]
I gotta tell you, looks like everybody's left the Bronx, Ted.
We gratefully aknowledge the Reynold's Wrap corporation for donating the costumes.
[They come across a homeless man]
MAMike [as Bum]
Well, I s'pose I better leave the Bronx.
[He looks up at the Disinfesters]
CACrow [as Bum]
I thought it was a suggestion!
[The troopers close in on him]
When Habitat for Humanity cracks down!
BBum
Hey, wait a minute, you guys! Look, OK, I'll leave!
DDisinfester
You should have left earlier. Eliminate!
Wow, the Orkin Men have snapped!
