[On the SOL, Mike has been hit in the face by a crazy pitch from Servo.]
CCrow
Mike, now say "I was born on a pirate ship."
I was born on a pile of... Hey!
“The Incredible Melting Man” · Season 7
In this episode: Mike Nelson (11), Crow T. Robot (7), Tom Servo (6), Ted Nelson (5)
[As Mike and the Bots enter the theater, the logo for American International Pictures (a circle with shapes inside that are supposed to represent the letters "a" and "i" together) appears.]
[chuckling] "Round Guy With Surfboard" International.
[Over the movie's title screen]
The George Hamilton Story.
AAstronaut
I.M.U., ready to launch.
CCrow
You are not me, stop saying that!
[Dr. Ted Nelson tells his coworker Dr. Loring about his wife's pregnancy.]
LLoring
How many weeks is she?
Fourteen.
SAServo [as Loring]
A little young to be pregnant, isn't she?
. . .
[The entire building is empty except for Nelson and Loring]
SAServo [as Loring]
So when do you think the people who work here are coming back?
[Dr. Nelson is in his office with the African-American Dr. Loring, and is on the phone with General Perry.]
GPGeneral Perry
How's it looking?
Not too good.
SAServo [as Nelson]
[whispering] There's a black guy in my office!
. . .
[Dr. Nelson asks General Perry when he expects to arrive.]
GPGeneral Perry
About 1600 hours... and I hope to hell you've found him by then.
1600 hours? So, like five months from now?
[Ted Nelson is making soup, and grabs the hot part of the pot by mistake.]
AADGKA!
Ah, aadgka, of course.
[Judy is preparing Ted's soup.]
SAServo [as Ted]
[sulkily] General wants to go find the aadgjka melting man.
Steve escaped.
JNJudy Nelson
Oh God.
MAMike [as Judy]
Aadgka?
JNJudy Nelson
What're you gonna do?
CACrow [as Ted]
Well, first I've gotta lose a little weight.[N]
Uh... did you get some crackers? I told you yesterday that we needed some crackers.
JNJudy Nelson
Oh, I forgot. I knew there was something...
SAServo [as Judy]
[annoyed with herself] Aadgka.
JNJudy Nelson
Y'know there's uh, there's a pad right by the phone y'know, you could write it down too.
[She brings over his soup.]
Y'know they made a mistake and they just went home with the actors.
[Crow laughs over Judy asking about Steve.]
[ignoring the question] So, we don't have any crackers?
JNJudy Nelson
Ted. Steve?
CCrow
Raging Bull.
Steve?
SAServo [as Ted]
Steve had crackers!
I've got to go out and find Steve.
JNJudy Nelson
Why you?
Because nobody else is supposed to know.
CACrow [as Ted]
Rye crisps, Sociables, anything?!
[General Perry is helping himself to the Nelsons' leftovers in their kitchen.]
This man is a brilliant tactician.
You guys know, is there a credible melting man?
[All the principal characters are dead or a melted pile of glop, but the film continues nonetheless.]
What could there possibly be to wrap up? Everybody's dead!
Well now the movie has to mop up after itself.
[A janitor puts Steve West's melted remains into a garbage can.]
CCrow
[almost cracking up] So, how many monster movies end with a janitor scooping the monster into a garbage can?
[At the film's end, another rocket launches into space.]
So, they learned nothing.
Yep.
CCrow
Well, I learned somethin', Mike: I learned that doctors don't care.
I learned that southern California can get cold enough for a snorkel jacket.
[reading the credit for Burr DeBenning] I learned never to name a child "Burr".
CCrow
Mike, I've written a short sketch about Burr DeBenning. Ahem... "Hi, what's your name?" "Burr." "Oh here, take my coat. Now what's your name?" "Burr!" Heh-heh... ha...
Very good.
CCrow
I kill me.
Well, I also learned never to scream "I'm Ted Nelson" to a security guard.
I learned that half-eaten turkey legs make very tepid ironic statements.
CCrow
We learned it's good to have Saltines around your house.
I learned that sheriffs are full of pyrotechnics.
[Mike notices a credit for Jonathan Demme on the screen.]
Jonathan Demme?! Ah, who cares. Anyway?
Uh, once again, we learned that NASA is staffed by two or three people, tops.
CCrow
And they hire civilian doctors to head up their recovery program.
What else, what else? ...Oh, I learned that some nurses can't find properly fitting uniforms. You?
Musta learned something else... Oh, we learned some cats can open the refrigerator, get the milk, bring the milk into the middle of the kitchen, throw it up in the air, drop it on the floor, shatter it all over the place.
Good lesson.
CCrow
Well, we also learned that if you're a melting man, you can have a short but successful career as a sprinter.
Me, I learned that I should never marry a passive, immobile doctor named Ted Nelson who doesn't ever do anything. And I certainly shouldn't have his baby.
I think that's very sound. Oh, you know what? I learned that I can use the word "Aadgka!" as an expletive, if necessary.
Aadgka!
CCrow
I learned that if you're gonna have a general over for dinner, you better have turkey legs and beer on hand.
Well, we learned that lights and lighting really aren't necessary to make a film these days.
And neither are actors.
Well, I think I learned that I shouldn't go to Saturn unless I have the proper protective gear.
[Mike gets up from his seat and stretches.]
CCrow
Yep, yep. Right now I'm learnin' that even though this movie is about eighty minutes long, it feels like Berlin Alexanderplatz.
I also learned that some sheriffs aren't married. Did you know that?
[sitting down] Yes I did. I learned it was impossible to look good in the '70s.
CCrow
I learned that even if you chop a monster's arm off, it'll only make him stronger and more powerful.
Yep. And I learned that you can just fill in crucial elements of the plot whenever it's convenient. I did not know that.
We've learned that if you're put in charge of an urgent, top secret government project, it really doesn't matter if you do anything.
CCrow
Yah, yup. And we learned that sometimes, people can abuse spirit gum and latex.
Oh, I hear ya.
[Less than a minute after liftoff, one of the astronauts announces "Saturn clear."]
CCrow
Boy, they got to Saturn fast!
It's all freeways now.
[The movie keeps cutting back to Judy asleep in her bed.]
Couldn't they just put "ibid." up on the screen?
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