Emily quotes from Mystery Science Theater 3000

Hey, what would you call an almost perfect ripoff of the USS Enterprise?

Servo

The USS Compromise.

Taxes.

Do you steal from every person you collect, or just us?

Are you going to give me the payment, or do you need... persuading?

I'm not giving you anything. I shall deliver my payment to Lord Rothford himself.

I don't think our lord visits many men in the dungeon. Arrest him!

Alright, certified public accountants, let's crunch some numbers!

[singing] Sim-ply ha-ving a wonderful Christmastime!

[comes out of hiding] No!

File an extension!

[stops the fight] Alright! Alright. Enough.

Really? You were winning.

I'll get the money.

We can Airbnb our hut.

Just don't hurt her.

I wouldn't dream of hurting her. Not when I can get such a fair price for another child in the mines. Get them in the wagon! [the struggle resumes]

[singing] Sim-ply ha-ving a wonderful Christmastime!

Oh man, guys look, they sleighed the dragon.

Joel

Oh, that's neat.

Oh, come on, Emily...

The spirit of the yuletide! Faster, Santa! KILL! KILL!

Eat tinsel, bastards!

Alright, now let's turn around and finish them off! We'll go after their families, and to all a goodnight!

Ho ho ho!

It feels like we're moving!

Well let's make it count boys, let's do the theme song!

Which one? There's like 12.

Joel

Uh, I only know the lyrics to Mike's.

Tennis is a form of war. A violent thing.

I thought it was a burning ring.

And in the middle of it all, the absolute center of attention is this...

Little shorts.

The tennis ball.

Scientific name: Tennius Ballias.

It lives in a hundred-mile-an-hour world.

Servo

Palm Springs?

Contact is extreme. Either brutal, or feather-light.

Like my marriage.

... so how does a ball get that way?

Practice.

How does such utter reliability come to be? When so many are produced, how can each one be so perfect?

Or so white?

The answer comes from machines...

Yaaay!

... and people.

Booo...

Oh...

... and a name. [the camera focuses on the Penn brand] A big one.

Penn!

The Phoenix facility with 100,000 plus square feet under roof is one of four such plants.

Wow.

Each all dedicated to one thing...

Balls!

Making the best tennis balls possible, as perfect as can be. Millions of them.

Servo

Millions of balls!

The other plants are in Jeannette, Pennsylvania, Jonesboro, Arkansas, and in Mullingar, Ireland.

[Irish accent] Ah sure, we like to hit balls back and forth with racquets in Ireland.

Constant checking assures, guarantees, absolute tolerances. Everything must be perfect.

Our nation's security depends on it.

Pellets, each identical, are placed in a mold. Many at a time. The mold closes, leaving an exact time and preset temperature to do the job.

[singing] Just another brick in the wall...

Minutes later, vastly changed, the former pellets emerge as sort of a blanket, ready for dye cutting to separate the perfect half spheres.

I'm learning a lot.

Variations in wall thickness, weight, and overall dimensions are infinitesimal.

Then we add the honey barbecue sauce.

Another mold, different from the first, handles the second of the three cures. Some on the top, some on the bottom.

Servo

Like a waffle.

These molds are pressurized, which enables them to trap air inside the ball centers. That's how the bounce gets in.

Like Tigger. Hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo!

Approximately one atmosphere, or about 15 pounds per square inch. Again, time, temperature, and pressure do the work. The seam vulcanizes perfectly.

Servo

This is a lot of work for something your dog will chew on.

At this stage, the balls are checked for size. Sizing is visual, electronic, and mechanical. A three-way proposition.

Uhhh...

Oversized, and undersized centers are screened and separated to find use as simple play balls, or other activities. Not tennis.

I never realized how much tennis has in common with eugenics.

Next, in drums, the balls are tumbled.

I'll tumble for ya...

Steam is introduced. Mold marks dissappear. The flat nap is raised and fluffed.

Servo

Now he's just making up words.

Yeah, right?

A lineup for printing, which adds something important. The name. Penn.

James Penn.

A final check, and the balls are inserted in the distinctive can. Penn. Known wherever tennis is played.

Like at Wimbledon or at Pfifer Middle School where you skinned your knee so badly you quit the team, remember, you LITTLE WHINER?!

The can, by the way, has a patented snap-off top designed to prevent cut fingers.

Ow! Ow ow ow...

It was introduced by Penn.

An employee named Penn, who has four fingers now.

Oh, you two shouldn't be watching this. This is...

Servo

This is great... it's a free-for-all...

When you think balls, think Penn.

Balls!

Finally! We get to learn how to forge money.

Anyway, here's, uh, Wonderworld. Today was gonna be the day that we're gonna reproduce with you...