[Shots of a school are shown.]
Bilingual schools.
MAMike [as Narrator]
Bisexual students.
Played by Michael J. Nelson
Mystery Science Theater 3000 · 3,167 quotes
3rd most-quoted character in Mystery Science Theater 3000: in 824 of its 3,167 quotes
Most scenes with: Tom Servo (393), Crow T. Robot (376), Narrator (63)
Scenes with Mike Nelson 617
[The short's title is first mentioned by the narrator over the main theme.]
CCrow
Oh. When did they change the name?
A Quinn Martin production.
MCMike, Crow, Servo
[as the music ends] PUERTO RICO!
[Students are shown at college.]
MikeLatka Gravas goes to class.
CACrow [as Latka]
Thank you veddy much.
For the visitor, Progress Island offers a tremendous variety of experiences, beginning with the rich and colorful heritage of the Caribbean.
CACrow [as Narrator]
...which we buried in order to build skyscrapers.
MAMike [as Narrator]
Look, just come here!
[Another piece of background music ends.]
MCMike, Crow, Servo
PROGRESS!
[As we watch traditional Puerto Rican folk dancing...]
CCrow
Valerie Harper look-a-like contests are held.
MikeYes, no matter what the culture, folk dancing is stupid.
Here, Up With People get down.
[A piece of background music ends over a shot of a roulette game in progress.]
MCMike, Crow, Servo
GAMBLING!
It has formed a continuing pattern of progress that started more of a quarter of a century ago.
[The background music ends, and we fade to another scene.]
MCMike, Crow, Servo
A CENTURY AGO!
The largest crop is sugar cane, which has been cultivated here for centuries.
MAMike [as Narrator]
...so you can sugar-frost your damn cornflakes! Filthy American pigs.
[The segment on features an explosion, followed by more shots.]
CCrow
Then KISS came to town!
MAMike [as Narrator]
We don't know what this is, folks, but it's definitely Puerto Rico stuff.
. . .
[We see record players being made.]
MikeThese'll nevr go out of style.
CCrow
Comes complete with a Peter Frampton album.
[The opening credits roll over footage of a beaten-down shack in the middle of the desert.]
MikeGet off my land, you credits!
. . .
[The credits reveal the film's "special guest star", Tor Johnson as the titular beast.]
Ah. Huh, I figured Tor Johnson would play the Butler.
MikeTor Johnson as the Beast, that's just smart casting.
Flag on the moon. How'd it get there?
MikeThese are all just random sentences, folks.
Touch a button, things happen.
Mike...Uh, sometimes.
A woman's purse... a man murdered... and footprints on the wasteland.
MikeHis limericks aren't very good...
[Over a shot of the mountain...]
To get to the top... a man needs an airplane.
CACrow [as Narrator]
Or a giant pogo stick.
Jump from a plane, land at the top.
MAMike [as Narrator]
Or a helicopter would do. Did I say "Flag on the moon" yet?
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