Tom Servo quotes from Mystery Science Theater 3000

Listen, Cabot, what the hell are you talking about? Where are we? What's going on here, Cabot?

Ssh! I'm acting!

I must go to Koruba!

What?

Koruba.

The same to you! Cabot, listen. Listen to me! Cabot, what's going on here? What happened last night? Did I do something wrong? Damnit, Cabot.

[chanting] Kill him... kill him... kill him... kill him...

Cabot, will you listen to me? I wanna go home right now, Cabot. Where are you going? No, no, wait there, Cabot! Tell me what the hell's going on, here. Is this one of your crazy science experiments, huh?

Mike

[whispers] Cabot, no-one would see if you killed him right now!

They'd probably give you a free drink at the Pullman.

Servo

Check it out, it's one of them Jack Nicklaus golf communities!

Mike

[to Servo] ...Are you old? How do you know about that?

Let's see, uh... [doing a Jack Palance impression] "Day One: missed call. Partied all night with that platinum midget fellow and Urbano. Still having trouble seeing straight."

Mike

Okay... [takes book and does own Jack Palance impression] "Day Three: missed call. Wandered into shot yesterday and they decided to keep it." [referring to his character's recurring phrase] "What the heck does 'Avante, avante' mean?"

Servo

[takes book, does Palance] "Day Five: missed call. After four days of shooting, finally got script today and guess what? I'm not playing Thomas Aquinas. I'm supposed to be some kind of freakin' wizard."

[book; Palance] "Day Eight: missed call. Just can't get cancelled series 'Brunk' off my mind. Why? Whyyyy? Can't keep anything down. Not sleeping."

Mike

"Day Nine: missed call. Went to the village with Gina. My voice scares little Italian kids. Spent entire per diem on bunch of crap."

Servo

"Day Ten: missed call. I think I--" [startled, reverts back to normal voice] "I think I killed a man today. More later?"

Servo

Ah, well.

Have you seen the outtakes for this film?

Mike

No, did they show 'em on Bloopers and Practical Jokes?

Servo

No, uh, Faces of Death, actually. [They all laugh.] Sounds like Miami Vice. Say, was this movie ever released in the theaters, you think?

Mike

No, I don't think so, but it's a good bet it was on the USA network.

Servo

Oh! The USA-- [imitates the fanfare the network used in the early '90s] I really like those original movies they made especially for the USA network. [imitates the fanfare again]

Mike

Yeah, I know, they're great, and they all seem to have titles like, uh, Malibu Death Breast. [They laugh]

Yeah, that or-- [As a TV announcer] "Jeff Conaway and Shari Belafonte-Harper play a deadly game of cat and mouse in Murder Most Moist."

Servo

Oh, hey! Hey, hey, let me play, I've got one. [As a TV announcer] "Judy Landers is on the trail of a devious killer in Peekaboo Lace, P.I."

That's pretty good. Oh, wait, how bout [Announcer] "Jeff Conaway is a vigilante who stalks by night in Dark Underpants"?

Mike

How about this one? [Announcer] "Lindsay Wagner is a sexy speech therapist held hostage in Tongue Lashing!"

I like it!

Servo

Hold it, hold it, hold it! I got it, I got it. How about "Jeff Conaway is up to his mouth in murder in French Pistol. CATCH IT!" [as they laugh] This is fun! Yeah.

Mike

Okay, here. Try and top this one. "Jeff Conaway is a college professor whose secret life catches up with him in Death Spank!"

Servo

Ooh, good one, "Death Spank"!

I've got a good one. How about "Chris Lemmon and Heather Locklear form a crime fighting unit in The Lingerie Justice Files"?

Servo

Ah, that's great. Wait, wait, I've got another. "Jeff Conaway and Morgan Fairchild are The Crotchless Killers."

I like it, I like it! It's got verve, it's got-- Oh, how about "Hard Buckner weaves a web of suspicion between Richard Chamberlain and Ben Vereen in Tap Pant Desire"?

Servo

Nice use of Ben Vereen.

Mike

I like the way you think. Try this one on. "William Devane tracks a killer on a tropical paradise in The Hawaii Edible Underwear Murders!"

Servo

Mike, I love you for that one! Okay, get this. "Lisa Hartman is a streetwise cop who tracks a killer in Cheek Beats."

You know, Servo, I'd marry you for that, but-- Oh, I have one. This one's great. "Jeff Conaway is a crazed cult leader in The Waco Panty Raid."

Mike

Um, uh, "Eric Roberts is a freaked out artist who gets more than he bargained for in Naked Came The Nude!"

Servo

"Peter Deluise and Tommy Tune are Cod Police."

Mike

[as they exit the theater] That was good.

Mike

Come on, Tom, just drop, I'll catch ya.

Servo

But I'm scared!

Mike

Don't be ridiculous. Come on.

Servo

Okay, here I come.

We can't have nice things, can we?

Servo

Ow, ow, help me, Mike.

Mike

Okay, I'm coming, I'm coming.

(Noticing the Mads' light) Oh, it'll have to wait! The dual airbags are calling!

[accusing Xenos] What have you done to the prisoner?

Uh, we canceled it. It was too obscure.

Servo

[growling] Rrrrr.

If you haven't seen the signs...

Mike

Boy, you haven't lived.

...then this train might come as a surprise to you.

Servo

The Sooooooooooooul Train!

Thank you very much, Clarissa...

They figure rules are for the other guy, not for good drivers like themselves.

They're communists!

People who have survived a train crash usually say...

Servo

AAAAAH!

Servo

That's what they say.

Why don't they look, Ralph? Tell me, why don't they look?

You're deep, Ernie.

So, if the next car I stop happens to be yours...

Save a place for me at your dinner table!

...DON'T tell me that you were speeding a little, only BREAKING the law a little...

Tom

...uh-oh...

...only doing something a little bit wrong, save THAT for somebody else, brother!

OH, MY GOD, HE'S SNAPPED!

Because I've seen too many "litte bit" follies...

Tom

He's a bad cop on the loose!

...and they end up a little bit DEAD!

Mike

Now I'm gonna grab me a little bit of lunch!

[singing] Ho, ho, ho, ho, staying alive, staying alive...

[singing along] I love him, I love him, and where he goes, I'll follow...

Servo

[singing] We are forced to sing...

Hey, could we move on to a country with some rhythm?

Boys and girls from England.

...have rotten teeth.

Feel it! Get down with your bad Santa self!

Japan also helps Santa.

By investing in his toy corporation, they now own Santa lock, stock, and barrel.

Talented children from the Orient.

...are not here today.

Mike

Um, uh, you're dancing on my keyboard.

[singing] Get it on in the morning now!

Even Russia has a delegation.

Currently under surveillance by the CIA.

Santa makes them work 16 hours a day for $2 an hour.

The group from France.

Servo

...stinks to high heaven!

Klink, you are a terrible singer!

You're absolutely right! I am a terrible singer!

How would you like to sing at the Russian front?

Well, my father was a very famous conductor...

Shut up!

Mike

I just wanna know one thing: When are Donny and Marie coming through the door?

Here's a happy song from Italy.

Servo

[sings random Italian gibberish]

So is this neorealism?

Okay, we're gonna whack Santa. He's trying to muscle in on the Easter Bunny's turf.

Mike

Okay, great. You've offended everyone now.

The islands of the Caribbean.

Mike

...have nothing to do with this movie.

Legalize it, mon!

Mike

[singing] Get up, stand up, stand up for your rights...

Next up in the junior vocalist category: Thailand!

The South American group includes Brazil and Argentina.

Mike

And a few other countries not worth mentioning right now.

Ho! Santa's doing the forbidden dance!

The countries of Central America.

Mike

...are a threat to Santa's vital security interests.

Servo

Hey, those are the same kids from the other countries! They'll be playing the Egyptians next.

Hooray!

Mike

Yay! USA! Woo!

The children of the USA.

...are too spoiled and lazy to help Santa. There, that makes it better.

A neighborly group of children from Mexico.

...are over-accessorized.

[over radio] Anyway, Santa doesn't care about us. He's too far away.

They're on to me! Into the escape pod!

This is a fascist Santa!

Mike

Yeah, at the end, Santa gets hung upside down.

Tom

Well, at least he made the sleigh rides run on time.

What kind of food do they eat on earth, Santa?

Oh, everything in sight! They eat most of the animals, the birds, the plants, the roots, the fish, even smoke and alcohol!

And they eat at Hardee's!