Crow T. Robot quotes from Mystery Science Theater 3000

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MMary

The problem to is factor x² - 9x + 20. Now how do you do it?

CACrow [as John]

Aw, let's just cheat!

JJohn

x² - 9x + 20. You take the x² - 9x... [Mary shakes her head]

SAServo [as Mary]

Nobody home, huh?

JJohn

Oh, you subtract the x from x², and then you...

MAMike [as Mary]

John, this is geography!

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And right there in front of you sat your pal Mary, with her head chock full of all the answers you needed.

CCrow

Split it open now!

You thought about it. There you were, desperate, and there was your salvation within arm's reach.

On a doily.

So you decided to take a chance.

[Johnny taps Mary on the shoulder.]

SAServo [as Johnny]

[loudly] Pssst! Hey, Mary! What's the answer?

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Was there a shadow of doubt in Miss Grandy's face as she handed back your paper?

CCrow

Or was it lust?

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And most of all, your new job as student council representative.

[As the narrator says this, we see Johnny standing in front of the council, silently talking about something.]

CACrow [as Johnny]

I envision a cheating wing!

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[Miss Grandy notices Mary giving an answer to Johnny]

SAServo [as Miss Grandy]

I smell a big Commie rat.

GMiss Grandy

John, bring it up here, please.

[Mike imitates a buzzer repeatedly going off, Servo imitates a fire alarm going off]

CACrow [as loudspeaker]

PUT YOUR PENCIL DOWN AND STEP AWAY FROM YOUR DESK!

[Johnny slowly makes his way to the front of the classroom.]

Fortunately, your mob ties will get you off, Johnny!

. . .

CCrow

And so Dana Plato's career begins.

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[Student council members raise their hands to vote to expel cheater Johnny from their ranks]

MCMike, Crow, Servo

Give us Barabbas! Barabbas!

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[The film opens with a movie logo for Medallion TV.]

Hey, I have my 40-year TV medallion.

[singing] What do you do when you're branded?

CCrow

[singing] You watch TV.

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[As the professor dances, Batwoman secretly frees a prisoned girl.]

CCrow

Well, we've discovered Batwoman's secret power: She can open unlocked doors!

So this is "The Wild Wild World of Batwoman", eh?

[A puff of smoke goes off in the lab as someone wakes up.]

Whahappa?

SAServo [as TV announcer]

Yes, it's the best hits of the 50s and 60s on 8-track and cassettes!

[The background music continues to go on as two people continue to dance.]

MCMike, Crow, Servo

[in a dull voice] Tequila.

CCrow

Those two were once cute, tiny, lovable babies.

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[The plot inexplicably switches to something about underground monsters, using footage from The Mole People.]

CCrow

[confused] Wha-- that's The Mole People! These movies have crashed!

You got your Mole People in my Batwoman!

You got your Batwoman in my Mole People!

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CCrow

So, Mike. This is Hell.

Yep.

CCrow

Mike, I demand that you kill me.

Me too.

No. [a beat] Will you kill me?

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[The plot has been resolved and nothing important is happening, but the end credits are nowhere in sight.]

[screaming] ENDDDD! EEEEENNNNDDDDDD!!!

[And now, at last, the film ends.]

[defeated and unimpressed] What a wild wild world!

CCrow

Please stay away from sharp instruments for three weeks after viewing this film and do not operate heavy equipment, thank you!

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[A scene of a Mediterranean style city is shown, with a domed building in the background]

CCrow

Hey it's the Blue Mosque!

No, the Blue Mosque isn't on a hill.

CCrow

Have you been to Istanbul?

THIS ISN'T EVEN ISTANBUL!

S5 Alien from L.A.

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[After a restless sleep, Wanda awakes with a start, her glasses askew over her nose.]

MAMike [as Wanda]

Ah! Swimsuit issue!

CACrow [as Wanda]

This whole room smells like my eyes!

S5 Alien from L.A.

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[Crow wears a sergeant's hat while a blindfolded Mike disassembles Tom Servo.]

CCrow

Hello, maggots! Welcome to boot camp here at Fort Satellite of Love! Today, we are going to do a field strip of one Mr. Tom Servo! I'm drill sergeant Crow T. Robot, or Sir to you toilet-water guzzlin' little mama's boys! You got that, son?

[weakly] Sir, yes sir.

CCrow

I didn't hear you, ladybritches!

I said sir, yes sir!

[in pieces on the table] Can we just get on with this, Crow? I wanna watch Sisters!

CCrow

You're not goin' nowhere, you wussy red cupcake! You gonna run home to your mama, huh?

[sarcastically] Ooh, ooh, I'm scared...

Hey Crow, c'mon...

CCrow

I'm the drill sergeant here, you toe-headed, contact lens-wearin' piece of toast! Now gimme the oath!

Uh, This is my robot, there are many like it but this one is mine.

CCrow

And what is the name of your robot, boy?

Servo! Tom Servo!

CCrow

I don't believe I was addressing you, Mayonnaise! Why don't you just make yourself comfortable down there on the floor and give me twenty, Corporal?

Uh, 'cause I can't?

CCrow

Well, now, you just bought yourself two hundred and twenty! Now c'mon, dickweed!

Uh, we'll be right back.

CCrow

I heard that, Pyle! You piece of filth!