Crow T. Robot quotes from Mystery Science Theater 3000

They got Jiminy! Get em!

We have got to get organized! We should not be losing to grasshoppers, people!

Norm! Norm! Norm! Norm! Norm!

Servo

It's Prince's new name, isn't it?

No, it's Frank Gorshin's new name!

Mike

Hey, wait a minute!

She's nude!

Servo

Lady...

Mike

So, then, with just this little weather kit, you've transformed yourself into, uh, what was it again?

Servo

Weather Servo Nine! First to bring the Satellite of Love vital weather information that affects YOU!

Mike

You know, I appreciate that, but, uh, there's very little weather in space, and besides, we have instruments that handle all of that.

Servo, you're gonna die in space.

Crow! He might not.

Servo

That's right, Crow! Now, raise Weather Servo Nine into space, and I'll report the weather as it happens to YOU! [gets raised]

Mike

[whispering]Well, it doesn't happen to US, we're protected by the satellite.

Servo

[whispering] I know, just send the poor dope out to space.

Don't die!

Servo

Up to the minute forecasts from Weather Servo Ni--[hatches shut, cutting Servo off; his voice is heard off-screen] Boy! [audibly shivering throughout forecast] It's COLD out here. Is it supposed to be this cold?

Oh, don't be afraid- you're Weather Servo Nine!

Mike

Servo, just make your report and then get back in here, okay?

Servo

Well, before I get on with the weather, I've got a couple birthdays to announce! Haha! Just kidding, of course. Man, is it COLD out here!

He's dead meat.

Yep.

Servo

I guess the big news is the cold weather. You might want to take a jacket, haha! D'oh. It's co-o-o-ld. Oh, what's this? Looks like a meteor shower's gonna be coming by. Might warm things up a bit. Oh hoho...It-it'll probably pass just to the north of us, but you might want- oh, oh! [Servo suddenly screams loud and long]

Mike

Looks like it's not working! Cambot, you'd better show me Rocket Number Nine! [Outside, Servo is bombarded by asteroids. He's brought down from the hatch and is badly burned.]

Well, that'll happen.

Servo, are you all right?

Mike

Servo, buddy, speak to me!

Servo

Well, [coughs] I'm not cold anymore. [coughs]

Mike

I better start fixin' you up.

Wow! You look so cool, Servo! Hey Mike, can I do that?

Mike

NO! You can't. You cannot do that.

I wanna do that, I'm doing that next.

Mike

We'll be right back.

Servo

Weather, Station, huh, help! Haha! Head happens to be on fire! Might wanna...ha!

Mike

Any chance Barney Rubble there could go through the windshield?

Sorry, folks, we simply could not afford to have special effects!

Listen, Cabot, what the hell are you talking about? Where are we? What's going on here, Cabot?

Ssh! I'm acting!

I must go to Koruba!

What?

Koruba.

The same to you! Cabot, listen. Listen to me! Cabot, what's going on here? What happened last night? Did I do something wrong? Damnit, Cabot.

[chanting] Kill him... kill him... kill him... kill him...

Cabot, will you listen to me? I wanna go home right now, Cabot. Where are you going? No, no, wait there, Cabot! Tell me what the hell's going on, here. Is this one of your crazy science experiments, huh?

Mike

[whispers] Cabot, no-one would see if you killed him right now!

They'd probably give you a free drink at the Pullman.

She feels for me and I feel for her, and we're free to express it.

Nekkid.

Let's see, uh... [doing a Jack Palance impression] "Day One: missed call. Partied all night with that platinum midget fellow and Urbano. Still having trouble seeing straight."

Mike

Okay... [takes book and does own Jack Palance impression] "Day Three: missed call. Wandered into shot yesterday and they decided to keep it." [referring to his character's recurring phrase] "What the heck does 'Avante, avante' mean?"

Servo

[takes book, does Palance] "Day Five: missed call. After four days of shooting, finally got script today and guess what? I'm not playing Thomas Aquinas. I'm supposed to be some kind of freakin' wizard."

[book; Palance] "Day Eight: missed call. Just can't get cancelled series 'Brunk' off my mind. Why? Whyyyy? Can't keep anything down. Not sleeping."

Mike

"Day Nine: missed call. Went to the village with Gina. My voice scares little Italian kids. Spent entire per diem on bunch of crap."

Servo

"Day Ten: missed call. I think I--" [startled, reverts back to normal voice] "I think I killed a man today. More later?"

Servo

Ah, well.

Have you seen the outtakes for this film?

Mike

No, did they show 'em on Bloopers and Practical Jokes?

Servo

No, uh, Faces of Death, actually. [They all laugh.] Sounds like Miami Vice. Say, was this movie ever released in the theaters, you think?

Mike

No, I don't think so, but it's a good bet it was on the USA network.

Servo

Oh! The USA-- [imitates the fanfare the network used in the early '90s] I really like those original movies they made especially for the USA network. [imitates the fanfare again]

Mike

Yeah, I know, they're great, and they all seem to have titles like, uh, Malibu Death Breast. [They laugh]

Yeah, that or-- [As a TV announcer] "Jeff Conaway and Shari Belafonte-Harper play a deadly game of cat and mouse in Murder Most Moist."

Servo

Oh, hey! Hey, hey, let me play, I've got one. [As a TV announcer] "Judy Landers is on the trail of a devious killer in Peekaboo Lace, P.I."

That's pretty good. Oh, wait, how bout [Announcer] "Jeff Conaway is a vigilante who stalks by night in Dark Underpants"?

Mike

How about this one? [Announcer] "Lindsay Wagner is a sexy speech therapist held hostage in Tongue Lashing!"

I like it!

Servo

Hold it, hold it, hold it! I got it, I got it. How about "Jeff Conaway is up to his mouth in murder in French Pistol. CATCH IT!" [as they laugh] This is fun! Yeah.

Mike

Okay, here. Try and top this one. "Jeff Conaway is a college professor whose secret life catches up with him in Death Spank!"

Servo

Ooh, good one, "Death Spank"!

I've got a good one. How about "Chris Lemmon and Heather Locklear form a crime fighting unit in The Lingerie Justice Files"?

Servo

Ah, that's great. Wait, wait, I've got another. "Jeff Conaway and Morgan Fairchild are The Crotchless Killers."

I like it, I like it! It's got verve, it's got-- Oh, how about "Hard Buckner weaves a web of suspicion between Richard Chamberlain and Ben Vereen in Tap Pant Desire"?

Servo

Nice use of Ben Vereen.

Mike

I like the way you think. Try this one on. "William Devane tracks a killer on a tropical paradise in The Hawaii Edible Underwear Murders!"

Servo

Mike, I love you for that one! Okay, get this. "Lisa Hartman is a streetwise cop who tracks a killer in Cheek Beats."

You know, Servo, I'd marry you for that, but-- Oh, I have one. This one's great. "Jeff Conaway is a crazed cult leader in The Waco Panty Raid."

Mike

Um, uh, "Eric Roberts is a freaked out artist who gets more than he bargained for in Naked Came The Nude!"

Servo

"Peter Deluise and Tommy Tune are Cod Police."

Mike

[as they exit the theater] That was good.

This is not a gymnasium!

Aw, come on, Gyps, it’s fun when it’s fun!

Yeah, it’s fun until somebody dies!

Mike

Come on, Tom, just drop, I'll catch ya.

Servo

But I'm scared!

Mike

Don't be ridiculous. Come on.

Servo

Okay, here I come.

We can't have nice things, can we?

Servo

Ow, ow, help me, Mike.

Mike

Okay, I'm coming, I'm coming.

(Noticing the Mads' light) Oh, it'll have to wait! The dual airbags are calling!

[excited] With Jane Russell? Oh please oh please oh please oh please...

Mike

No, don't get your hopes up.

Servo

[growling] Rrrrr.

If you haven't seen the signs...

Mike

Boy, you haven't lived.

...then this train might come as a surprise to you.

Servo

The Sooooooooooooul Train!

Thank you very much, Clarissa...

Every day, these are your signs of life, whose purpose is to keep you alive.

Even though you don't deserve it.