Statler quotes from Muppets Tonight

Statler

You know, this show really improves with age.

Waldorf

Why? Because the jokes get better?

Statler

No, because my hearing gets worse!

Statler

What the...?

Waldorf

How come that never happens when we're watching The Hot Bodies Bikini Contest?

Statler

This show's off to a fast start.

Waldorf

Good. Maybe it'll end quicker!

Statler

That last number was a real showstopper.

Waldorf

Too bad it didn't stop this show!

Statler

That was a great program! I would've only changed one thing.

Waldorf

What's that?

Statler

The channel!

Statler

Hey! Waldorf, look at that! The show is ten times as big!

Waldorf

Yeah. Too bad it's one tenth as funny!

Statler

Let's see what else is on. Hand me that remote.

Waldorf

Hey, it's big.

Statler

Hey! Careful!

Statler

Do you know what's sad?

Waldorf

What's that?

Statler

I can't think of anything I'd rather do than watch this dumb show.

Waldorf

Neither can I.

Hi, guys. Mind if we join you?

I just thought of something!

Waldorf

Here, sit down.

Statler

Yes, please.

Waldorf

Make yourself comfortable.

Statler

Look how nice you look today.

Statler

Boy, that show was BAD!

Waldorf

I wonder whatever happened to those cows.

Here are your steaks. [He puts plates of steaks on the table]

Statler

No! It couldn't be!

Waldorf

Why not?

Statler

Because these are well done!

Statler

Hey! Why are you bringing that TV back?

It's from the Muppets Tonight sweepstakes.

Waldorf

We won?

Statler

No. We lost!

Statler

I guess you got to take the good with the bad.

Waldorf

Yeah, but I'm so waiting for the good.

Statler

Hm, I'd give that movie four stars.

Waldorf

Why is that?

Statler

Because the two that are in it now stink! [They laugh] Hey, bartender! More pigs knuckles.

Okay, coming right up.

Waldorf

Uh, I'll just have the pickled egg.

All right.

I love you, two old guys!

Statler

Poor guy cracked up!

Statler

Now I've seen everything.

Waldorf

Good. Does that mean we can stop watching?

Statler

Hey, bartender! Didn't you used to be...?

Well, yeah, but a guy's gotta work, you know?

Waldorf

Not if he's smart, he doesn't.

Statler

What did you think of that sketch?

Waldorf

Well, it was better than getting hit in the head by a two-by-four.

Statler

No, it wasn't!

Waldorf

Yeah, you're right. Hit me again!

Waldorf

Did you see that stiff, lifeless, robotic acting?

Statler

By Lincoln?

Waldorf

No, by the rest of the cast! [They laugh] Actually, I like Lincoln.

Statler

You should like him. You voted for him!

Statler

Hey, Waldorf, I think the TV's on the fritz. I'm seeing double Gonzos!

Waldorf

Only double? You should be seeing a lot more than that!