Aaah. his is the life, kid. Out in the fresh air, no one tell you what to do or how her day was. Away from the hustle and bustle of nagging.
S2 E19Nature (Part 1)
[A drunk Clay sees Orel petting a doe and pulls him away from her.]
Son of a...
Why did you pull me away from her, Dad?
Never fraternize with the enemy!
Aw, she's so cute!
Okay, for the love of God, orel, get that poor, wretched creature in your sights and put it out of its misery.
Gosh, she looked pretty happy to me.
Happy?! Orel, that thing is eating grass! Everyone knows that grass is nature's carpeting! You're not supposed to eat it. You're supposed to judge your neighbors by how neat it looks outside their homes!
But...it looks so peaceful.
GET OUT OF THE WAY! [Takes another swig of liquor and shoots the doe.]
Dad!
Got her! Ha ha! I win! And you lose.
[Later on in the hunting trip..]
(he takes a large swig of alcohol) I gotta tell you, Orel; your cup is always half empty. You need to be more like your old man and look at the blight side of things.
Blight?
I didn't say bright, I said blight. "My life is sunny and blight". Bright means the opposite, it means sudden withering death, and... (suddenly despondent, as if the alcohol caused something in his mind to snap) ...Oh, who am I kidding? My life is full of "bright".
You mean blight?
Oh, God...
What's the matter?
...I hate myself. [Orel's eyes tear up as Clay looks at the bottle he's holding.] (screaming to his own reflection on the bottle) WHY DO YOU QUIT WORKING ON ME?! She always fools me, Orel. "I'll make things better dear. Drink me. Put me inside you, I'm great!" And she chokes me just like every other whore out there! They're all worthless, kid- every woman. Don't let 'em get ya. All of 'em wanna get ya. They just grab you and pull you into them! And then you're forced to stay in and pull out and stay in and pull out! And then they gut ya. And then they grip ya by right where it counts. And then they start squeezing things out! Things that are like weights around your head! You're stuck there for the rest of your life, with nowhere to go and no one to be!!! AAAAHHHH!!! AAAAHHHH!!! AAAAHHHH!!!
[Orel, absolutely terrified at this rant, accidentally discharges his gun.]
Dad!
S2 E20Nature (Part 2)
Are you okay?!
(laughing like a madman) Okay? Am I okay?! YOU SHOOT ONE THING THIS WHOLE TRIP- COUNT 'EM, ONE THING- AND IT'S TWO OF MY LAST BOTTLES OF LIQUOR?!
Sorry, dad! It was an accident!
THERE ARE NO ACCIDENTS!!!!! You have done nothing but whine and complain like a little lady in a flowery, sissy skirt and attractive high heels about my drinking since we got here!
It's because you become a bad person when you drink!!!
Oh, I do, do I? Well, we'll see about that! (He tries to take off his belt to spank Orel but can't; he is that drunk off his ass. His pants fall down, and eventually he collapses onto a makeshift liquor storage tent he had set up. He still tries to pull them back up, but can only flop around waving his legs pathetically. Orel tries to help) Get away from me! I'll do it myself! (After failing to put his pants up again, he curls into a ball and weeps in a fit of despair. Finally, he stops and manages to pull his pants up.) Okay... It's time you became a man! Where's my rifle?
I-I-I don't think...
There it is! (grabs his rifle and starts aiming it around)
(trembling) Dad! W-Watch out!
Please, Orel. I know exactly what I'm doing.
Yeah, but you might shoot it off by mistake!
There aren't any mistakes either. No mistakes, no accidents, no flub-ups, no boners...
But—
DON'T "BUT" ME! (pulls the trigger, shooting Orel in the leg)
[Clay finally wakes up after sleeping off all of the alcohol he drank the previous day; it's in the late afternoon]
[cheerfully] Mornin'!
Morning was 13 hours ago.
Missed the roosters, eh? High time for some breakfast!
I wanna go home.
Why? What happened?
You shot me in the leg.
No I didn't.
Look.
Oh. I don't remember that. So that means it's not my fault!
Mom, why did you marry dad?
Why? Well, men have to marry women. Otherwise, if men married men and women married women we'd all give birth to nothing but fairysexuals.
But why you marry dad?
Oh, well... [laughs] Why not?
It's just that, when he drinks, he... changes.
Oh, he doesn't "change", Orel. That's just his true nature coming out. [She leaves]
Huh. Nature.
S3 E1Numb
After trying to get Shapey back from the Posabule family, Bloberta has ended up with both Shapey and Block, who bond quickly.
SBShapey and Block
Mine!
SShapey
Cake?
Cake!
SShapey
Yummy?
Yummy!
SShapey
Mine?
BBoth
Mine! [They laugh happilly]
NMr. Nohammer
[about to pick up the customer phone line, visibly on the verge of a breakdown over the issue] Nohammers' Hardware. YES, WE HAVE HAMMERS. (slaps his own head) NO, IT'S JUST MY NAME!!!!
Bloberta! What brings you...
Reverend, I want you.
I... uh... I'm sorry?
I need you. I have this feeling.
Oh, well, uh... Meet me at the church repressional.
No! I want to be with you! I want your mind, your body. I want to get close to you in anyway. Touch you, anywhere. I'm yours, all yours!
AAAAHHHH!!! (ejaculates in his pants and falls on his knees) I'm done.
What?
I'm done! Go away! Go a million miles away! (slams the door)
S3 E2Grounded
Good afternoon.
Oh, yeah? What's so afternoon about it?
Well, it's 4:30 P.M. What kind of an example is that for your son?
Don't worry about Orel, he's fine! A chip off the 'ol block, out of my flesh and... [he opens the door to the bathroom to find, to his utter horror, Orel bathing in the blood of his friends, who are standing around with knives and other sharp things.] ...blood?
Oh, hi, dad. Pretty great, huh?
No! It's not great!
But, I was just trying to do what you said.
For the millionth time, whatever I said, I didn't mean this! Young man, I'll see you in my study!
What're you all dressed up for? Got a big date or something?
I thought you'd have a change of heart.
"Change of heart"?! Orel, change is only for hippies and underwear.
[Orel wakes up from his coma.]
Did you see God? What did you learn?
Oh, I learnt all about Heaven. And guess what, it's not at all like we thought it was.
[Everyone gasps in horror. They look at Clay.]
It's still a little fuzzy, though, but I think I can remember if I really try--
[covering Orel's mouth] We're all just fuzzy--
No, wait! I remember!
[Everyone gasps again.]
[covering Orel's mouth] That's because what Orel saw was fuzzy clouds and fuzzy angels. Isn't that right, son?
Uh... I don't think so...
Well, let me help you remember... in my study! [Pause] Come on, gulp for me, son. [Orel gulps] Atta, boy!
S3 E3Innocence
Wait a minute! You're asking me to take responsibility for what Orel does?
I know it's a tall order.
90% of the time, I'm not even responsible for my own actions!
What if you quit drinking?
(mockingly) Yeah, what if?
Look, we've all given Orel guidance over the years, it is my considered opinion that the child may have been... misled.
[The congregation disagree]
Guys, wait! It sounds weird, but maybe Dr. Potterswheel's right. What if we... don't know what we're talking about?
[Everyone gasps in horror.]
I teach school, which has nothing to do with life, so don't pin this on me!
These quotes come from Wikiquote's Moral Orel pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.