S1 E1 The Lord's Greatest Gift
Hey Orel, wanna come over to my house and play?
Alright, but don't take any rides from strangers
Clay and Bloberta: Because you're in your good Sunday suit!
Orel and Doughy walk along the sidewalk
Boy, Doughy, Reverend Putty's sermon today sure made me think.
Orel! You know you're not supposed to think when it comes to God and faith!
Hey, let's cut through the cemetery!
Orel and Doughy are walking through the cemetery
It's always so pretty. Do you think it's because dead people make good fertilizer?
Hmmmmm...maybe. But they sure make bad Christians.
Gee dad, I was just trying to stop those dead people from spitting phelgm onto God's face
That much I understand, son. But there are other ways of preserving God's gift of life
Well, for one... [Picks up the Necronomicon from the shelf] where in this book does it say the dead have to be naked?
Well, it doesn't really, but some of their clothes were stinky and messy with blood.
Their clothes didn't smell, Orel, their bodies smell. Their disgusting, exposed bodies.
Oh. I guess I was too caught up in bringing them back to life to notice
That's no excuse. Nudity is a horrible thing, and should only be committed as a last resort. Remember the lost 11th Commandment: Thou shalt be ashamed of thy natural anatomy.
S1 E2 God's Chef
Orel, there are some things that are burned so deep into a person's subconscious that you forget just why they're there. You only know that they've scarred you in such a horrible and personal way that they must be right.
Dad, how do you make babies?
[Clay walks over to his book-shelf and takes out a book entitled "The Fake Facts of Life, Ages 5-15"]
How old are you, Orel? 9?
Hmm, 11. This is interesting. Now that you're 11, you can now know the real story. "Babies are made by God's chef, visiting ladies at night while they're asleep and injecting them with the delicious glaze from his holy pastry bag." Brilliant.
All right here in the black and white.
S1 E3 Charity
Friends, I look around this town and my heart breaks. But it's not the kind of heartbreak I get when a woman rejects me.
But I don't know if you realize the true danger of crack. Crack is a gateway to slang.
Yes. Remember, son... people know who you are by the words you use, not the things you do.
I'm sorry, Dad. From now on, when I do drugs, I'm going to speak properly.
Attaboy. Just remember the lost 13th Commandment. Thou shalt not bastardize the American language.
[suddenly happy] Hi, honey!
You have a lot of time before you decide what you're going to do for a living. And when you do start working, it's not going to be as easy as just peeing into a Tupperware container. Working is a very hard, soul-numbing and joyless experience, son
Gosh, thanks for preparin' me for the future Dad, you're the best!
If I can make sure you're ready for the dead-end bleakness of adulthood, then I've done my job.
I'm not throwing out your breakfast again, it's a waste. And God hates waste
Yes. Why do you think He won't even throw the devil away?
Your mother's right, Orel. What's more, your track coach, Mr. Stopframe, has just sent me a 12 page letter.
Oh, many many things...but here on page 7, he mentions you.
Oh, but why did he send you--
He says that you've been coming in with slower and slower times at practice.
What else does he write about Dad?
Well, that's all as far as you're concerned.
Well, in this town, I guess I could use someone like me when I was your height. OK kid, I’m gonna give you a “Prince Albert”
Yep, I’m gonna put one of these through your Johnson. Then when you’re finally tall enough to drive it home, your good lady wife will be squealing like she’s won a year’s supply of pantyhose.
Um, I was wondering, do you need any help around the shop, for when it gets busy?
Busy? This store? In Moralton?
(Orel looks around the shop. It is empty)
If I get another piercing, how long would it take? Could I be here all day?
Look, I know you like it here with me. I like you too. But face it, shorty, you're gonna need some time in that sun if you're ever gonna grow. You're a good kid. Just stay that way and that'll be all you need to make your woman happy.
Okay. You know, you should really think about getting married. You'd make a pretty good mom.
Thanks. Take care, Orel. (Orel leaves) Uh-oh, maternal pang. (She quickly pierces her eyebrow) Ah, all gone.
[In the study after Clay learns of Orel's piercing]
Orel, I want you to stay away from that person
But dad, she has such a warm attitude
"Warm attitude?" You kids today and your slang
But it's true, she's very pleasant
Son, she's only pleasant because she is different. When you're normal like the rest of us in Moralton, you have the luxury of being unpleasant.
S1 E6 Omnipresence
Son, imagine my disappointment when I got a call from the hospital, and found you weren't sick or injured.
I'm surprised at you, Orel; you know that only God and the government can decide who lives and who dies.
Gee, the Lord sure works in mysterious ways!
He's not mysterious, Orel; He works in one way. Give Him the opportunity...and He's gonna get ya!
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These quotes come from Wikiquote's Moral Orel pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License .
