[Randy has noticed that Togo the Egg-Eating Robot is missing]
I come here every year on my birthday. Sorta like a family tradition.
When you were a kid. [Randy glares] You meant when you were a kid. Say "yes," Randy.
Yes.
S7Mr. Monk and the Lady Next Door
[John Keyes has taken Monk, Natalie and Stottlemeyer hostage]
Keyes, you don't wanna do this. You don't want to kill a cop.
Or an ex-cop.
Or an ex-cop's assistant.
[Last lines; Monk and Natalie have parted with Marge]
A pirate?
It's more fun to be a pirate.
That's good advice. Come on boss, I'll make you some lunch.
What are we having?
Ooh, chicken pot pie, with a little Jolly Roger flag on top and a bottle of rum.
Okay, you don't have to beat it to death.
[Imitating a pirate] Shiver me timbers, you look hungry!
Yeah, okay, how is that funny?
It's funny.
S7Mr. Monk Makes the Playoffs
[Monk and Stottlemeyer are at a tailgate party]
Who are all these people, and where are their parents?
CSCapt. Sottlemeyer
It's a tailgate party, Monk. People get here early, and they start to party and they get all pumped up for the game.
But they're... they're not actually playing in the game.
Well, it doesn't make any sense if you think about it. The trick is not to think about it. You just got to turn your mind off. You do have an "off" switch, right?
I don't think so.
Well, here, you can borrow mine. Beer: Nature's off switch.
[Monk learns about the Condors/Wildcats rivalry]
They're Wildcat fans, Monk. It's a big rivalry.
2R2nd Rowdy Fan
Two years ago they put a bag of bees in my car!
CWChet Walsh
Yeah, then his mom spat on my mom, then we flipped his RV! God, I love football!
You used to be a fun guy.
I don't think so.
Yeah. No, I remember. I remember the time when you graduated, right? We stole that rowboat, you, me, and Trudy. And the Lake Patrol stopped us and you started speaking Spanish! Now, that was funny! That was funny! Where's that guy?
Trudy died.
Yes, Trudy died. But you didn't die. You're alive.
"Alive" is a funny word.
[Stottlemeyer and Monk head towards the gates, leaving Disher to brief some cops on David Gitelson's murder]
Oh, hey, tell Bob Costas "Randy Disher says hi".
Does he know you?
No.
Well, then, wouldn't that just confuse him?
Only one way to find out.
[Monk is suspicious of Shawn Metzger]
Uh, you have a.. you have a smudge there. What happened there?
SMShawn Metzger
What happened? I don't know. Do you remember every little smudge you ever got on your clothing?
Yes, yes, I do.
S7Mr. Monk and the Bully
Roderick Brody changed my life, maybe as much as Trudy did. He ruined everything. It was childhood's end, really.
You know, I had a bully in school too. He would wait for me every morning outside the bicycle rack-
Excuse me, sorry to interrupt. You went to your father for advice, and he told you to face up to the bully, and the bully backed down?
Yes, more or less. Yes.
What a wonderful anecdote. It will give me something to think about at one o'clock, when my head is in the man's toilet.
Why don't you just cancel it? Just say you're busy.
Natalie won't let me! It's the first paying customer we've had in three weeks! Look, what I need is a note.
A note?
Yes, a note from you, something I can show Natalie, to get me out of this!
Adrian, I'm not gonna write you a note!
You don't have to write it. [Pulls it out of his jacket] It's already written. All you have to do is sign it.
Adrian, this isn't gym class! Now you've been talking about this Roderick Brody since the first session. And as I recall, you're still having nightmares about him. You know, I think this meeting today is a gift. It's an opportunity.
Maybe you're right. But sign the note!
It's an opportunity to confront your greatest and most troubling fears, to finally resolve them! Put them all behind you! Not many people get this chance!
I see your point. I never looked at it like that. Can I have the note back?
Sure. [He starts to hand the note back, but stops midway, wearily] Wait. You're not planning to forge my signature, are you?
[Laughs] No! [He lunges for the note]
RBRoderick Brody
I hear you went a little crazy since high school. Now I just need to know, is it funny crazy or sad crazy?
Funny crazy.
[Simultaneously] Sad crazy. [Long pause, then Roderick looks at them, confused] Excuse me. There's something I want to say. [Takes out a notecard and reads from it] "Roderick. Brody. You stole something from me. You stole my childhood. The boy that you tormented has grown into a broken man. I am now damaged goods. I will never recover from the wounds, that you inflicted upon me. I will never forget you. And I will never forgive you." [Long pause]
RBRoderick Brody
[Long pause] So it's sad crazy?
No, I think Mr. Monk is referring to what you did to him in the seventh grade. You... tortured him.
[Monk and Natalie are in Douglas Fendle's hotel room]
[To Natalie] You were right about karma. It is fantastic!
No, Mr. Monk- [Captain Stottlemeyer enters the room]
Monk, Natalie, thanks for coming.
Hi...
I was downstairs doing a little Dumpster diving. Can't find the murder weapon. There is a steak knife missing from that service tray. I guess he took it with him. So, whaddaya think? [Monk appears to be holding his breath] You okay? [Monk releases a stifled laugh] Are you happy?
I love my work. Is that a crime?
[Whispers to Stottlemeyer] I think they knew the guy.
Know what? What, you know this guy? [Gestures towards the body]
No, not technically...
[Overlapping Monk's words] No, [we] don't know him; never met him face to face.
Never formally introduced. Sort of.... [Natalie gestures to indicate "following" with her fingers] We've been following him.
Yeah.
You were following him? I wonder why.
Well, he was seeing a woman, a married woman, and we were following her.
You were following the woman? I wonder why.
Her husband hired us.
Until you hear different, I wonder why. Wh-what are you doing? You, you doing divorce work now?
He was just doing a favor. He was an old friend of Mr. Monk's.
Wouldn't exactly say he was a friend. More of an acquaintance, actually. He beat me up every week for three years.
[Points an accusing finger at Monk] And that would explain the stupid grin you have on your face. You think you're getting even.
I know I'm getting even.
So, your pal - you told him about the affair, and you told him that Fendle was going to be here? [Monk makes a gesture that suggests "yes"] Well, I think your friend just made the top of my "To Do" List. What's his name? [Natalie steps in front of Monk]
Actually we can't tell you that. Technically, he's a client so it's privilaged information. We could contact a lawyer or a third party... [Monk cuts her off]
Roderick Brody. 23 Orchard Circle. [Disher starts to write down a name and address in his book] No that "O" looks like an "A". B-R-O-D-Y. Roderick Brody.
Well let's go talk to him.
[They file out, and Monk whispers to Natalie]
Prison swirlies.
[Natalie has found Monk in the park and Monk is trying to do a cartwheel]
You know how I feel? Liberated. I should've confronted that S-O you-know-what years ago! B. I still can't believe I won.
You know, Mr. Monk, I don't think anyone really won anything.
You're right. Except me. I won big-time.
Are you gonna start singing?
You know I almost could. You know what I am gonna do? I'm gonna do a cartwheel. [Calls out] I'm gonna do a cartwheel. You might want to step back. It's my first cartwheel. I'm gonna do it right here. [He puts wipes on the ground] What am I doing? A man's been killed, right? A man's been stabbed to death.
Yeah, that's what I've been saying.
This is no time for cartwheels. [Starts to pick up his wipes] On the other hand, I have been waiting 40 years for this! I mean, this is a moment to savor, it might never happen again! I'm doing the cartwheel! [Puts them back on the ground] My God, it's ghoulish! One man dead, another going to jail. Am I a ghoul?
No, Mr. Monk, you're not a ghoul!
What is a ghoul?
I don't know.
I don't care! The man is my archenemy! One cartwheel, I've gotta do it! [Tries again] I can't. Natalie, do the cartwheel!
What?
Come on, it's a good compromise: cartwheel by proxy. And don't forget to say "Whee" while you're doing it. Gotta say "Whee"- [grabs Natalie by her right arm]
Yeah, no, thank you.
[Monk stops, having been transfixed to a police officer's holstered gun]
Oh no.
What is it? What happened?
Brody. He had a gun.
[Last lines]
Don't you hear that? The toilet tank refilling? The toilet tank of life.
Come on, Mr. Monk, I'll drive you home.
It's what Plato called, "the great cosmic swirly." There's no escaping it.
Plato said that?
I'm paraphrasing. I think I'm gonna need that shower cap back.
OK.
S7Mr. Monk and the Magician
[Torini is at a backroom in Bangkok talking to some drug dealers. He's taken the ringleader's watch]
[To the ringleader] I'll trade you: your watch for... [cups his hands, and when he opens them, a little chick comes out] ...this chick.
TTranslator
He says, "give it back".
Awwww! Don't you like chicks! [Hides the chick. The ringleader says something more threateningly]
TTranslator
He says he will make this bullet disappear in your skull! Where is the watch?
That's a good question. Why don't you ask him? [Points to one of the other henchmen, who has suddenly acquired the ringleader's watch. He hands it to Torini, who then hangs it over the barrel of the ringleader's gun. The ringleader puts his gun away and produces some bags of heroin] How much?
TTranslator
70 kilos. It is our biggest shipment yet.
[Torini and Tanya are rehearsing for Torini's next show]
Applause, applause, applause. [Holds out a birdcage] Different music cue, show them the cage. [The cage pops and vanishes] It's gone. Oohs and aahs from the audience. That's when you bring on the cabinet. [Tanya wheels on a cabinet] You wheel it on. Turn it around slowly. Let them get a look at it.
TATanya Adams
Like this?
You open the cabinet. [Opens the curtain to reveal that it's empty] Nothing inside! You step in there- [Kevin comes in and Torini sees him] Who's there? [Kevin raises his hand] Dorfman, what are you doing here? This is a closed rehearsal!
These quotes come from Wikiquote's Monk pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.