JMJack Monk, Jr.
I'm a con-man, I'm a grifter. I'm a lovable rogue!
MMonk
A lovable rogue? People don’t call themselves "lovable rogues".
JMJack Monk, Jr.
Lovable rogues do.
S7Mr. Monk's Other Brother
[Jack is explaining how he escaped]
JMJack Monk, Jr.
Come on, I didn't kill that woman! I crawled through the sewer, when I got to the parking lot, she was already dead!
MMonk
Wait, wait, wait, go back... you crawled through the what-what?
JMJack Monk, Jr.
I crawled through the sewer, that's how I escaped...
MMonk
No, wait, go back... you crawled, through the what?
JMJack Monk, Jr.
The sewer.
MMonk
Wait... [whimpers] Go back.
JMJack Monk, Jr.
Just one phone call. For old time's sake.
MMonk
We don't have any old times.
JMJack Monk, Jr.
Sure we do. Come on, remember... oh, remember in the hallway, when you hit me over the head with that metal box?
MMonk
That was a half hour ago!
JMJack Monk, Jr.
Yeah, well it's something. I mean, it's a start.
MMonk
Jack, was he a good father?
JMJack Monk, Jr.
Look at us, what do you think?
MMonk
Was he a bad father?
JMJack Monk, Jr.
Look at us, what do you think?
[Monk is in session with Dr. Bell]
All I ever wanted was a real family. I used to pray for one.
I hate to break the news to you, Adrian, but you already have a real family. In many ways, your situation is typical; I've seen it quite often. [Monk raises his eyebrows]
There's a four state dragnet on my brother. Do you get that a lot?
JMJack Monk, Jr.
Hand to God--
MMonk
God doesn't wanna see your hand!
[Adrian, Jack, and Natalie are leaving after interviewing Reese]
JMJack Monk, Jr.
Are you sure?
MMonk
I'm 80% sure he's the guy. [Reese immediately opens fire on them from the roof and they dive behind a tool rack] I'm 95% sure!
MMonk
He's my brother.
JMJack Monk, Jr.
Half-brother.
MMonk
I'm rounding up.
S7Mr. Monk on Wheels
[Monk notices one of Dean Berry's square tomatoes in a glass case]
Is that a square tomato?
SLSarah Longson
Yes it is. It's a pet project of Dean's. The square shape means that farmers can pack 35% more tomatoes per carton. It's cheaper, more efficient.
So, so, that means every slice is exactly the same size?
How does it taste?
Who cares? It's a square tomato. You're doing the Lord's work.
[Dean Berry is testing his genetically altered corn seeds]
DBProfessor Dean Berry
What's our time?
SLSarah Longson
17:20. [The seed begins to sprout]
DBProfessor Dean Berry
Germination complete. That is our best time yet, and that, boys and girls, is how you feed four billion people. [[Looks up and turns to Sarah, Monk and Natalie] We're in business. Call our investors, tell them to bring their checkbooks.
SLSarah Longson
I'll set it up for Friday. Dean, this is Adrian Monk and I believe you remember Natalie Teeger?
DBProfessor Dean Berry
Ah, yes! The woman who stole my bike.
I didn't steal it!
DBProfessor Dean Berry
No, that's right. I believe "aided and abetted" is the correct term. [He crosses the room to his wall safe] I'm sorry, I have to lock these up. Would you mind turning around? [Monk and Natalie do so as Berry punches in the numbers on the lock's keypad] It's just that if somebody else sees this combination I'll have to memorize a new one and I don't want to waste the gray cells. [He unlocks the vault door]
[Promising Berry that she'll find his bike] Mr. Monk here is probably the best detective on Earth.
DBProfessor Dean Berry
He is?
Yes sir, and I know lots of other detectives. [Captain Stottlemeyer and Lieutenant Disher enter the lab, along with several uniformed cops]
San Francisco Police Department. What's going on?
Yeah, uh, we're fine.
You said it was an emergency.
[To Stottlemeyer] Somebody stole his bike.
And?
Rode away.
And?
Didn't come back!
[Monk and Natalie arrive at John Kuramoto's house while searching for Dean Berry's bicycle]
Am I going to need a tetanus shot after this?
Probably not. [As they reach the porch, Natalie sees a set of bolt cutters] Mr. Monk, look, the bolt cutters!
Oh yeah, those are nice.
I don't see the bike. Maybe he's out riding it. [Monk peeks through the window blinds]
No, he's right in there! Playing video games, eating junk food. What are we doing here?
The right thing. [Monk sighs and pounds his elbow against the door]
Hello, Johnny! Open up, it's... it's Encyclopedia Brown! Sally and I want our blue bike back! [Sheepishly] And the name of your decorator. [Sighs] You're not in trouble! Nobody's gonna press charges! We just want the bike!
[Whispers to Monk] Try again!
[Kuramoto fires at them through the other side of the door. Monk and Natalie try to run, but one of the bullets hits Monk in the left leg, just below the knee]
[Stottlemeyer and Disher interrogate John Kuramoto's cousin about his whereabouts]
You don't know where he is? Well, you're staying at his house, Vince.
VKVince Kuramoto
Hey, man. I'm just crashing at his place for a few days. He's my cousin. Do you know where all your cousins are?
Where do you think he is, Vince?
VKVince Kuramoto
[Loudly and clearly into the microphone, emphasizing every word] I. Don't. Know. [Hits the tape recorder's microphone with his hand. Stottlemeyer casually puts it back upright]
Ah. Tough guy, ehh? [Produces an evidence bag containing the recovered bullet] Look at this. See that? That's a bullet! That's a bullet that got dug out of our very dear friend's leg tonight!
That makes your cousin a former cop shooter.
VKVince Kuramoto
Former what?
Former cop shooter.
VKVince Kuramoto
You mean he used to shoot cops?
No. He shot someone who used to be a cop.
VKVince Kuramoto
Why didn't you say that?
I did, it's the same thing.
VKVince Kuramoto
It's not the same thing at all, it's not even close-
Oh for God's sakes!! What are you two, married or what?! Look, it's not complicated, Vince! If you know where your cousin is and you're not telling us, [Points an accusing finger at Vince] that makes you an accessory after the fact.
For aiding and abetting!
For attempted murder, which is a very very VERY long "goodbye"!! Let me put it this way: your parole officer? He hasn't been born yet.
S7Mr. Monk and the Lady Next Door
What's the catch?
With what?
With Marge, what do you suppose she's after?
Uh, Adrian—
Every time somebody wants to be my friend, it turns out they're after something. They have an angle!
Not necessarily.
How could somebody - how could anybody - love me unconditionally? I mean, come on, you met me!
Adrian, I know you've been burned in the past, but you have to trust people. See, there's not always a catch.
Then how do you explain this? There's always a catch.
[Monk surveys the jewelry store robbed by John Keyes the night before]
The killer wore a ski mask, ergo the killer was afraid he'd be recognized, ergo the killer must have worked here recently.
[Writes in his notepad] "Ergo the Killer". Is that Hungarian?
His name isn't Ergo, Randy.
These quotes come from Wikiquote's Monk pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.