TV show quotes
[Natalie, wearing a black dress and sunglasses, approaches Randy, who is standing with one foot on a rock, his elbow on his knee, and his head on his fist, gazing off over the water]
What are you doing?
Standing. This is how I stand. What are you wearing?
Clothes. This is how I dress.
This is how I stand.
This is how I dress.
[Monk and Natalie cut in line trying to get into Julian Hodge's fashion show while searching for Julie.]
I'm on the list.
Name?
Puff Daddy, plus 1.
[during the show] Natalie! Don't eat the food back there. I just saw two of the models throwing up!
[Julian Hodge has been arrested for murder and he is being led away in handcuffs]
[to Natalie] So, it's true what they say, huh? You can never judge a person by how they dress.
Well, let me tell you about what you're going to be wearing. I hope you like orange. It's a little jumpsuit thing, it has a number right here. You can wear it anywhere, really. Indoors, walking around the yard...
[Monk, Natalie, Stottlemeyer and Disher are looking over the evidence from the Clea Vance murder case at the crime lab]
Is there any new evidence?
No. Monk met the killer's mother.
She's a shirt inspector.
She swears he's innocent.
I know. That's the toughest part of the job, the mothers crying and pleading. That's one thing I'm not gonna miss!
Where are you going?
Didn't you hear? I'm retiring! There's a party for me on Friday if you wanna come.
Cool, absolutely! I'll be there.
You're retiring? How old are you?
46.
[in disbelief] Did you win the lottery?
No, I've been investing. Real estate. What have you been doing with your savings?
Uhhhhhhhhhhh, eating. You know, I think I need to talk to my accountant.
What, you have an accountant?
Nope. Gonna have to go find an accountant, then I'm gonna talk to him.
[Natasia Zorelle has been discovered dead in her apartment. Gordo is dusting a glass for fingerprints when Monk, Natalie, Stottlemeyer and Disher come in]
How's it look, Gordo?
Oh, looks like suicide, smells like suicide. Primary's on suicide. She drained two of those bottles and around 30 sleeping pills.
Were those prescription?
Probably not.
[to Randy] We'll check with her doctor. Make a note.
I'll remember. [Randy is wearing an expensive suit, due to Hodge's comment about his attitude getting way over his head]
Where's your notebook?
Oh, I didn't bring it. It's an Italian suit, it was ruining the lining. But don't worry. [points to his head] I'll remember it. [He gazes at a mirror and tries to readjust the lining, but Natalie moves in front of him and blocks his view]
Am I in your way?
[to Monk] She probably got depressed after you spoke to her. All those memories about the murder bubbling up.
You know, I don't think so. One set of fingerprints on the glass.
Well yeah, they're hers.
But look, she's wearing lipstick. There's no lipstick on the glass. Somebody wiped down the glass, and then put it back in her hand. [Stottlemeyer turns and addresses all of the other cops and CSI techs in the room]
Okay! This is now a homicide investigation! Lock this joint down, nobody touches anything! [turning to Randy] Fabio, go and borrow a notebook, and borrow a pencil, and start talking to neighbors!
Captain, what do you think it means?
It means that your boss scared somebody.
[Monk and Natalie are observing Julie before the rehearsal for Hodge's show]
She looks beautiful, doesn't she? Too beautiful. Sometimes I wish she had a big old fat ugly wart right here. [points to her forehead]
[puts his finger right above the bridge of Natalie's nose] Maybe here.
[Disher tells Natalie that Monk has been found in Wyoming, where a trucker dropped him off.]
Are they sure it's really him?
The trucker gave him a five dollar bill, the guy kept smoothing it out.
He's alive!
[surrounded by bees] Could you do me a favor? Could you kill me, please?
[Natalie is about to touch Devo, Gerald Vengal's pet]
He's actually kinda cute. [leans forward to pet it]
Natalie, don't touch him! Later on, when we have time, I'll tell you a little story about the Black Plague.
I'll never forget that face if I live to be 40.
[Stottlemeyer returns home after having punched a cop]
Did something happen?
Now that's a good question. What did you do? Did you turn the heat up? It's like a sauna in here.
It's supposed to be ninety-nine degrees exactly. It's called the Gittomer Method. It's very therapeutic.
[Stottlemeyer wants Monk to follow his wife]
Monk, I really need to know. I'd do it myself, but the chief says I need to go to this anger management class, which really pisses me off! I knocked out a tooth. One tooth. It's not like I killed the guy!
Who was that clown? I'd never seen him before.
[Monk and Natalie are following Karen]
How long have they been married?
Forever. Karen and Leland? They've never had a thing in common. I remember... this one weekend he went hunting. She stayed home and organized a rally for stronger gun control.
[Rufus pulls up to the MacMillan Museum in a van and hops out with some tulips]
Excuse me! Any suspects, yet?
I wouldn't know. I'm just delivering flowers.
No you're not. You're a private detective, like me.
[scoffs] Me, a detective? That's uh, very funny by the way! I can't wait to tell the guys-
Look, you're selling it to me! That satellite dish on your roof, the number on the side - "555" - obviously a fake. Now conclusion number 1: you're after the Alexander Diamond. Conclusion number 2: you haven't got a prayer. [Dirk, a motorcycle rider, wheels in and parks his motorcycle in a handicap space]
Excuse me! That's a handicap spot!
It's okay. I'm psychotic. Is this where they stole the rock?
You judging me?
Not anymore.
These quotes come from Wikiquote's Monk pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.
