TV show quotes
[Monk and Christie look through Jenny's special privilages]
Tell me about the Lobster Barrel.
It's a family place. It's noisy, there's a million kids. You wouldn't last five minutes. It's got a great all-you-can-eat buffet with seven different kinds of shrimp: jumbo shrimp, batter-dipped shrimp, tempura shrimp...
Okay, stop telling me about the Lobster Barrel.
...barbecued shrimp...
Stop.
[first lines; Lizzie Talvo is showing an old tape of a Treasure Chest game to her boss]
Doesn't prove anything.
It proves everything and you know that! Do you wanna see it again?!
No thanks, I hate watching myself on TV.
Roddy, why did you do it?
You ever been in debt, Lizzie? And I mean real debt. It changes everything.
That's no excuse. [goes to her dining room with the VHS tape, which she puts into an envelope and addresses to Dwight Ellison]
What are you doing?
The right thing!
Look, Lizzie, if this is your way of asking for a raise, it worked! Hey, how much do you want?
I don't want money, Roddy, I'm not you.
All right, you don't want money. Whaddaya want?
I want to be able to sleep at night. I want to be able to be proud of the show the way I used to be!
[Before the show, Monk and Dwight talk to Val Birch while a crew member adjusts his outfit]
Val Birch? This is my old friend Adrian Monk.
Adrian? Ooh, gym glass must have been hell with a name like that.
Yes, yes it was-
Are you nearly done or do you just like touching me?
Almost done.
Adrian's here from San Francisco.
Oh, Frisco? God-awful town! I was there last year. It was foggy the whole week! When are they gonna do something about all that fog?
Well, I-I don't know. I'll make some calls.
I couldn't see a damn thing! Not even that, um, uh, golden bridge they've got.
The Golden Gate.
No, genius, the bridge.
Right, that's what they call it: the Golden Gate-
Okay, okay! Testing 1-2-3, we're done! [walks away]
[to Monk] That idiot's won seven times in a row!
[Monk notices that Kevin has picked up a pencil]
What are you doing? What is that?
Roddy Lankman's pencil. Yeah those are his teeth marks. This is what you call a "collectible": you can look, but don't touch.
[During the game]
The next question, for $1,500: Which monarch is sometimes known as the Tragic Queen? Was it: A) Queen Elizabeth, B) Marie Antoinette, C) Catherine the Great- [He is cut off when Birch buzzes in]
B: Mary Ann Tonette.
Uh, that is correct: Marie Antoinette.
[Kevin and Monk are looking inside Val Birch's house, and are debating whether they can go in]
I know, I'll lean in.
What?
Yeah, you can lean anywhere you want to. It's in the Constitution.
I can't imagine what Constitution you're referring to.
[Monk and Kevin have been to Birch's house and Monk decides he has to get closer]
I have to get closer.
Closer? Yesterday, we were in the front row. You can't get much closer than that.
[cuts to another Treasure Chest show in the process of being taped]
Please welcome to the show Adrian Monk! [Monk feverishly steps out, and uprights a gold goblet before taking his place at his podium] Welcome to the show, Adrian. [Kevin and Dwight are watching the show on the backstage monitors]
Mr. E, you are not going to regret this.
[onstage] -Before we start, is there anybody you would like to say hello to?
Yes.
Who'd that be?
Sharona. She's in New Jersey, visiting her mother.
That's very nice. How long have you and Sharona been married?
No, no, no. Sharona is my nurse. I was married but my wife Trudy was killed by a car bomb. [cuts to backstage]
Did he just say "car bomb"?
[continuing] Which is why I've devoted my life to putting criminals behind bars.
[Monk's game enters the second round]
Welcome back to Treasure Chest. My name is Roddy Lankman, and our reigning champ, Val Birch, is in the lead again with $3,000. In second place, Susan with $0, and Adrian, you're at -$1,000.
Well Roddy, I think my luck is about to change.
Well there's only one way to find out: let's do Round 2 and dig for treasure. For $4,000, the bone that connects your knee to your ankle is the A) fibula, B) tibula- [Monk buzzes in]
B, Tibula.
Uh, that is correct! [Applause is heard offstage; Birch scorches a glare at Monk] Next question: how many square yards in an acre? [Birch immediately buzzes in]
It's C.
Uh, C is correct. It's 4,840 square yards.
Lucky guess.
Lucky guess indeed. For $5,000- [Monk buzzes in]
D.
Uh, D is correct. Another lucky guess. For $5,500, President McKinley was assassinated in-[Monk presses his buzzer several times]
D-D-D-D. The answer is D, Roddy ["D" being "1901"].
D is correct. The next question, who-[Monk buzzes in insistently]
B-B-B-B-B-B!
"B" is correct, it's Jackson Brown. [Susan collapses on her podium] Susan, are you okay?
I-I just-it looked so much easier when I was watching at home!
Yes it always looks easier at home. For $6,000- [Susan buzzes in]
C!
No, C is not right. [Monk buzzes in]
A.
'A' is correct, "the wombat". And the last question for $6,000, what element-[Monk rings in]
D.
D is correct. And that's the end of Round 2, a couple of really intelligent gentlemen here. Uh, that means Adrian Monk is the winner of Round 2! Val Birch, you're gonna have to sit this one out this time. [Tanya hands Roddy the first bonus round question] Adrian, you understand what happens in Round 2: you answer these five questions correctly, you not only win this game, but you win this great big pot of gold. [gestures to the table with the treasure chests] You know how we play our game, you have five questions. Let's see how you do. [reads from the first card] Adrian, who was the first president to win a Nobel Peace Prize? [SPOILER: the answer is Theodore Roosevelt]
Roddy, I understand I can phone a friend.
[scoffs] You wanna phone a friend on the first question? Well, you're the boss. Tanya, let's bring him the phone. [Tanya grabs a treasure chest with the phone while Roddy addresses his viewers] For those of you just joining us for the first time, Adrian is going to call a friend to see if he can get some help on this very important bonus round question. [Tanya hands Monk the phone] All right, who would you like to call?
Well, Roddy, I would like to call him. [points to Val Birch]
Me? You want to call me? I don't think I'm at home! [laughs]
Mr. Monk, what are you doing?
[up in the producer's booth, Kevin turns to Dwight]
Do you know what he's doing? Because I don't know what he's doing.
[onstage] I'm trying to prove that you are guilty of murder, Mr. Lankman, or at the very least, manslaughter. Lizzie Talvo, your personal assistant, discovered that you were cheating on the show. [Monk ignores the gasps of the horrified audience]
Uh, can we go to a commercial break? [Dwight immediately turns to his associates]
You do and you're fired.
[Visiting his former in-laws' house, Monk briefly stops near Trudy's room... and opens the door]
It's still how she left it. Do you want to go in? There might be something you want to keep.
[Takes a step forward... then steps back and closes the door] I can't.
I know. Took me two-and-a-half years.
How did you do it, Marcia? How did you survive?
I didn't think I would. I was buried alive.
Buried alive...
And then one day... the sun came up. Garden was blooming. Kids were riding by the house on their bikes, and... I decided to give the world a second chance. It's still a beautiful world, Adrian.
[first lines]
[A biker, Dewey Albert, comes out of a store but finds a police officer and undercover cop waiting by his Softtail motorcycle]
Aw, man!
Hi Dewey. Did you miss me?
[to the undercover cop sitting on the bike] Come on, get off the bike. Arrest me, do whatever you want with me, just don't touch the bike!
You skipped out on your hearing yesterday; made our Captain very very angry.
Well you can tell Stottlemeyer he can kiss my ass.
You can tell him yourself; he'll be here any second.
Come on, you know the routine, put your hands on the car. [Dewey obeys and Cooper tries to handcuff him]
Have you guys got anything better to do?
[A light blue Toyota Corolla pulls up to the nearby intersection. Upon seeing the cops, the driver - whose face is kept hidden - pulls a Springfield 1911 handgun out of the glove compartment and aims it out the passenger's side window]
Get off my bike.
You know I think I'll take it for a ride.
Don't do that, hey. [he tries to move but Cooper restrains him. Stottlemeyer and Disher pull up in their own car]
What is this, a vintage Softtail? 80 incher? I've always wanted to ride one of these.
[The driver of the Corolla checks the slide as Stottlemeyer and Disher get out of their car]
Hey Coop. This guy giving you any trouble? [A gunshot is heard and the driver's window on Stottlemeyer's unit shatters. The cops duck behind the patrol cars, shouting to each other as the driver continues to fire at them and speeds away]
I'm afraid... of change... and I'm afraid of not changing...
I am your nurse! Why didn't you tell me?
Because I knew you'd bring me down! You're bringing the Monk down, man.
I am so outta here.
Hey, you know what they say: wherever the Monk is, it's Mardi Gras.
[Monk shows up at Marlene Highsmith's apartment, where Sharona is waiting]
Is it you?
I think so. [touches a lamp]
What happened to "the Monk"?
Trudy didn't like him.
These quotes come from Wikiquote's Monk pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.
