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Monk quotes

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S3 E5Mr. Monk Meets the Godfather

[FBI agent Colmes wants Monk to wear a wire into a meeting with mob kingpin Salvatore Lucarelli]

Okay, okay. Here's the thing: I can't have anything taped to my chest.

Ah, that's fine. Come here, I'll... let me show you this. Ah, you see, these days... [pulls out a piece of paper] We can put a transmitter just about anywhere on the human body. You have six options.

[Monk and Sharona examine the list, with Disher and Stottlemeyer looking over their shoulders.]

Number One... is out. Number Two... uh, you-you wouldn't actually shave me there, would you? [Colmes nods.] Okay... no thank you. Number Three...

What if you had to sit down?

Right. Good point. Number Four... [slowly looks up at Colmes, then turns to Sharona] Even if I die, don't let them do Number Four.

Number Five.

I'll do... okay. I'll do it. I'll try that.

That's only for women!

Oh! Right.

Oh, yeah. Ah, Number Six... Number Six. I'll... I can do that.

Number Six? Great.

Not Four.

[Mob "associate" Vince insists on guarding Monk and Sharona.]

VVince

Uncle Sal told me [to] keep an eye on you. It's for your own protection.

It's a little insulting. I haven't needed a babysitter since I was nineteen.

You had a babysitter when you were nineteen?

Everyone did. It was the seventies; it was a crazy time.

[Monk gets a confession from the real culprit, but discovers the wire wasn't working.]

Maybe we can trick him into... saying it again.

Oh, really? How're we gonna do that?

Well, I'll just go back there, sit down, and say... "What?"

[Colmes refuses to support Monk's reinstatement since their sting didn't turn up any evidence against Salvatore.]

Let me tell you something. Adrian Monk may be afraid of germs, heights, elevators, and puppies... but you couldn't pack that man's lunch.

Ah, that's true. I've seen that man pack a lunch. He's insane.

[Stottlemeyer and Disher find Monk and Sharona at the FBI's post]

Hey! I showed them my ID downstairs. I just got to talk to my friend! What, you reaching for your gun? If you're reaching for your gun, you'd better pull it. Stand aside. [to Monk] Monk. [to Colmes] Colmes! Whaddaya think you're doing?!

This is a federal operation, Captain. You have no business being here.

Well, neither does he! What's going on?

They want Adrian to go undercover in the Lucarelli family. [Randy looks at a surveillance photo of Sharona speaking with Fat Tony outside Salvatore's restaurant]

What's up with this picture of you and Fat Tony?

Nothing! And don't call him that!

What? Are you defending him?

Why don't you start by telling them, what happened to the last agent that tried to infiltrate the family? Oh, start by telling them where we found the body buried!

Whoa, whoa, whoa, wait. Buried?

Actually the parts that they found.

Okay, that's a different situation. That agent's cover was blown. Monk's been invited in. They already know that he's a cop.

S3 E6Mr. Monk and the Girl Who Cried Wolf

[Sharona thinks she is losing her sanity like her father, and believes it's due to the stress of taking care of Monk. She is at Dr. Kroger's office.]

I swear to God, if I have a breakdown, I'll never forgive him.

Your father?

Adrian.

VDVarla Davis

[Picks up piece of paper] "List of Adrian Monk's fears and phobias." Hmm... "Germs, Needles, Snakes, Heights, Milk, Cr..." MILK? You're afraid of milk?! My three-year-old nephew isn't even afraid of milk!

You must be very proud of him.

VDVarla Davis

Yes, I am proud of him, not because of that, but because he's normal. You're not anything near that!

[Monk just explained to Varla Davis what the boot tip means.]

Wipe.

VDVarla Davis

Wipe what!?

I say wipe and you give me a wipe. That's how it works.

VDVarla Davis

Well you better get over "it" fast!

S3 E7Mr. Monk and the Employee of the Month

Are you going to pop all of these?

No choice.

[Stottlemeyer picks up another side and starts popping it.]

You've gotta depress it with your thumb--

Monk, I know how to pop bubble wrap!

[He calls two more officers over]

Start popping these.

[They keep popping for a few seconds.]

OOfficer

Is there any reason why we're doing this?

Nope. Just keep popping.

Thanks. I really appreciate it.

[Sharona, Disher, Monk, and Stottlemeyer are in a "Mega-Mart" warehouse.]

I was up all night with my girlfriend.

Yeah, those imaginary girlfriends can be pretty wild.

She's not imaginary.

[sarcastically] Really? What's her name?

[sees box labeled "Crystal Glassware"] What's her last name? Glassware?

No, it's Smith.

You have a picture?

[Takes picture from wallet, gives picture to Sharona]

Oh, she's pretty. [Turns over picture] Randy, this came with the wallet!

Yeah, I know. She's a wallet model.

That's sad.

Sharona, she's one of the world's top five wallet models! Thank you very much.

[At a Mega-Mart staff meeting, Brent Donovan declares Jennie Silverman the Employee of the Month for the second consecutive month]

BDBrent Donovan

So this will come as no big surprise to anybody, but the Employee of the Month for the second straight month is, drum roll please, is Jennie Silverman. [Everyone applauses and pretends praise] Well done, Jenny. And as winner, Jenny will enjoy another month of special privilages: the Employee of the Month parking spot in front of the main entrance, of course the--Mega-Mart mug, the gift certificate for dinner for two at the Lobster Barrel on 17th Street - good only on weekdays and does not include lobster - and the winner's plaque, which will be on display right at the main entrance for the entire month, which should inspire all of us.

These quotes come from Wikiquote's Monk pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.