Toki Wartooth quotes from Metalocalypse

No, Pickles, they're threatening to kill you.

That... that's a different thing!

Yes. Before the show, we should do a couple of safety briefings, I've outlined a very specific -

Nathan Explosion

Right, well, anything else?

Any new ideas for the Dethmerch? I remember you all complaining that you were sick of -

Skwisgaar Skwigelf

Oh. Ja. Guys. Ares you ready? Dis is it.

William Murderface

Here's the new merch!

Dis is... times travels face bag.

Time... travel... face bag, am I saying that right? Looks like you have uh, some plastic bags. What are you doing?

[voice muffled through the bag] We're traveling through time.

Toki Wartooth

Yeah, you put the face bag on and travel through time!

[removes the bag] Dear God! You, boy in the street! What day is it?

It is Wed - It's Friday! It's Friday!

I must have traveled through time itself!

We've uh, figured out how to travel through time at the speed of... regular time, with plastic bags.

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What in the fucking names of Odin?!

Toki

What the hell was that?

Dude, where are we's? What the fuck we just flies in? ...What the hell was wrong with your guitar sounds tonight?

Toki

The hells that supposed to mean, it sounded great!

Nope. Sounds dildos. Agains.

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I'm just sayings I can hears you guitars ringing out in my monitor mix, yous are half-assing!

Toki

[offended] How dare you! I'm sellin' it - You - I'm kicking ass! You just stand there! [makes a noise] Just boring! I'm rocking it every -

Yeah, well that's the expense of sloppys playing. You see Toki -

Toki

Dat's weird!

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Assassin

[aiming handguns at Toki and Skwisgaar] It's time to die!

I will seesk you in Valhalska.

Toki

... I've always hated you, Skwisgaar...

I knows, Toki... I knows.

That's my bread and butter you're fucking with.

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OOffdensen

Gentlemen, I have the recording schedules right here. You'll see that we need to get started on the new record pretty soon, so... [Dethklok is not paying any attention to him, the only sound is Murderface's knife on a plate] Uh. Nothin'?

Can you just at least ask us how we're doing, or something? Y'know, before you start with all this... robotic crap? I mean, am I wrong?-

Yeah, you're all like, "Here's the schedule and now get to work, you ugly humps!" [offended] Ugly humps?!

You're like a robot. You're like an... emotionless robot.

Yeah. He is a robot.

Robot.

You're a robot.

Robots are not to be trusted...

OOffdensen

Okay, fine. Uh. How are... all of you?

Hows ares wes? WE'S IN THE MIDDLE OF HAVINGS A FUCKING DINNERS MEAL! DATS HOWS WE AM!

Toki, you may clear the table, when you feel that it's time.

Toki

Any of you guys mind if I mace this stupid turkey?

Aw, go ahead. I don't want no more.

Toki

OH, YEAH! [maces the turkey with a device attached to his crotch] Take that you stupid turkey! Right in you face!

OOffdensen

Uh... I'm sorry, what is that?

Toki

Oh, this a Pelvic Thrust Mace Belt.

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OOffdensen

I... must say I have never seen you this reclusive and moody before. But, there must be something we can do to get you guys back out there playing shows.

Toki

Well, what of the fans out there who wanna kill us?

OOffdensen

Well, there won't be. I have a proposal I think you'll be interested in, since your concern with security has increased. A number of criminals are to be executed soon, and the prison system has asked you to perform at this execution because-

Nooooo. Pass.

OOffdensen

And they want you to pick how they're executed.

AWWWWWWWW, AWWWWWWWWWW! DARN, THAT'S AWESOME! THAT'S REALLY AWESOME!

OOffdensen

Is this, uh, something you would, uh, consider, doing?

[throws his bottle] URRRRR!!!!!!! YEAH! BUT IT'S GOTTA BE REALLY FUCKING BRUTAL!

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You wanted to, talk to me ?

Oh yeah. Sit down.

No, thank you. I'll stand.

Oh. We, We we wanted to say we're sorry. There. [chuckles] There you go. Get outta here.

You're sorry for... releasing dangerous criminals back into the streets?

No... about calling you a robot.

Toki

You're not a robot.

No, you're not a robot.

Toki

Not a robot.

No you are not... and we know that must have made you feel bad.

Mm-hmm.

Ands, listens, you's the bests butler we's ever had, so we no wants yous to quit.

I'm uh, not a butler... Nevermind. That's all, then?

That's it. I mean, uh, we're glad you forced us out there again. Y'know, it felt good. Y-y-y'know, couple of things I would have done differently though, y'know, whatever ...

You mean like, not blind the stage driver and crash it into a prison of dangerous criminals?

Heheh - no, that was a happy accident. Eeehh.

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Hey! Whats the hells you doings right now?

Toki

Why it's gots to be about you? Whats about my guitar playings?

Heh, whats about it, you know?

Toki

I’m the guitarist too, Skwisgaar! Sometimes you forget. I wants to play the scales and the notes and everything likes you! But you don’ts lets me, YOU DON’TS LETS ME!

You're totallys attacking me right now!

Toki

HE’S HOLDING ME BACKS, EVERYBODY! I’M A GUITARIST TOO!! [throws down his guitar and walks off.] You know it!

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Oh Toki, its adorables, you really wants to takes more solos, but I am the lead guitarist, you know, why? because I ams, hows do you says, way more gooders than you.

Toki

Dat's why I needs me a piano teacher!

You mean guitar teacher.

Looks looks, I give you guitar lesson huh? Takes you under my flippers, huh?

Toki

Wes not goes downs that dusty roads again!

What do you mean?

Okay Toki, plays mes a harmonic minor scales in the key of uh, D.

Toki

Oh, like this. [plays a single note]

[suddenly] WROOOOOOOOOOOOOONG! [pulls a chord that sends a bucket of blood on Toki's head and they fight.]

Toki

You not a great teacher, Skwisgaar.

Permits me to disagree.

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Toki

Stupid, Dumb, Dildo, Jack-off, Jerk, Tits, Ass! [stops] What's this? *Gasps* [sees a flyer that reads: Guitar Lessons from Guitar Master! All styles!- Contact: Dimneld Selftcark. Toki rips a piece of paper from the flyer. He reads the name aloud.] Dim..neld..Selft..cark...

Toki

*Gasps* Yous, amazings!

Yeah, I guess I am, huh?

Toki

Gots to have lessons from you!

Show me what you can do.

Toki

Oh yeah! [Looks around.] Oh no.

Where’s your guitar, boy?

Toki

Thinks I lefts it at the Urban Outfitters.

Hmm…Can I be honest with you? I don’t think you got it kid. I don’t think you got the discipline. To be great, it takes lots of practice, and you either got that fire in your belly, or you don’t.

Toki

But I dos! I dos! Looks, I needs my own guitar identitys. You gots to help me, Mr. Selftcark!

Only, if you promise me you’ll go all the way. No short-cuts. No bull. All, or nothin’!

Toki

You gots the deal!

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You remembered my birthday. Gimme a hug. I can't Believe you remembered my birth- [coughs]

Toki

Just my way of saying thanks. Just...my way of saying...thanks.

[livid] IS DIS HIMS?! DIS PIECE OF TRASH?! DAT'S WHAT YOU ARE, YOU KNOW DAT? YOU LIVES INSIDES A GARBAGE CAN!

Toki

SKWISGAAR! NO! HE'S LIKE A FATHER-FRIEND!

Oh yeah? Dis garbage can? Right here? Dat your friend-father? Well, It's either hims, or the band.

Toki

Whats are you saying?

I hears by performs citizens ban-firing! Effective NNNNNNNOW!!

Toki

AW! YOU CAN'TS DO THAT! YOU NEEDS TO PRESENT IT TO THE BAND CONGRESS FIRST TO GETS THE TWO-THIRDS VOTE!

I wills begins the paper work! Good day!

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OOffdensen

I can not, in good faith, sign off on this citizen's firing.

Why nots?

OOffdensen

Because, uh, some of the other band mates neglected to vote.

I said it once, and I’ll say it again: Voting sucks!

I was actually the president of the voting-sucks club in high school.

Oh yeah? How'd that go?

Well, I never got re-elected.

Get 'er done!

You know it!

OOffdensen

Well, Toki, I don’t know what to say. Either you work this out with Skwisgaar, or you’ll have a bigger decision to make.

Toki

No, I nots works its out! [leaves the room.]

See? See! Right there! I can’ts even talks to him! He’s unrationals!

OOffdensen

Well..there you go.

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Toki

Thanks you. And nows, I demonstrates the name of the string. Dis one i-is an E. And uh, Dere’s another E, heres, and the G, and the P, and the C. Those are what’s called, the fret. [gets nervous] Dat’s, Dat’s not a string, but its, its near the string and- uh, nevermind dat, lets..play the scale, dat’s the major scales on the guitars, string, [heart beats faster.] No! I can’ts dos this!

What? What’s wrong?

Toki

Can’ts do this anymore master, I can’ts take more piano lessons!

You mean guitar?

Toki

Whatever! I just wish I could be...[cries]

Shhhhh…shhh. It’s just as well. I’m dying boy. I’m dying. [coughs]

Toki! Stop! I wants yous to have this. Dis is ans importance to you. Dat you have, a magical things with dat guys right there, and I now know, dat you never gots good at guitars. So, its ok for you to have dis relations-ips.

[from a balcony] HEY! OVER HERE! I'M SORRY! I KNOW IT WAS WRONG TO HAVE MANIPULATED YOU! IF I COULD TAKE IT BACK I WOULD! I WAS WRONG!

Toki

Skwisgaar! Yous were afraids that I was better than you?

[also from a balcony] STOP! OVER HERE! DON'T QUIT THE BAND TOKI! I'M SORRY! I SHOULDN'T HAVE MANIPULATED THE SITUATION!

HEY! PICKLES OVER HERE!

YEAH!?

IT'S NATHAN! UM I ALREADY SAID ALL THAT STUFF, LIKE, ALREADY.

YOU DID!?

Yes Toki. Deh bands needs you. Even thoughs you don'ts do nothing.

[also from a balcony] STOOOOP! I'M SORRY! SORRY ABOUT BEING A DICK BUT SOMETIMES IT'S HARD TO SUPPRESS THE URGE OF RUINING OTHER PEOPLES LIVES! WHY DOESN'T EVERY ONE OF YOU JUST GO KILL YOURSELF, IDIOTS! I'M SORRY I'M JUST BEING A DICK!

Toki

Wowee. You really are...my family.

Boy...I just wanna say one thing before I go. I love you boy. [coughs] I...love...yee- [dies]

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Knubbler

So that's just a rough mix of some of the stuff you've been uh...working on.

That's kinda nots too terriblys uh...wonderful is it now? Am I right?

No no no, it's not it's uh...dragging.

Yeah yeah, it's just...it's just too confining.

Yes confinings.

Too digital.

Wait what?

Needs work.

Sorry if we have very learn-ed sensitive musical ears.

Yeah. Toki is right, sorry if we got very good ears.

Uh...Murderface, that's Murderface, I'm Murderface, that's my name.

Toki

It sounds like microchips.

Yeah, Pickles is right you know. Who was clearly the one who said that.

Toki

I just said that, not Pickle!

Uh, that's a good Pickles impression that's for sure. Right Pickles?

...

I SAID "RIGHT PICKLLLLLLES!!!"

It sounds like microchips. In ones and zeros-

Knubbler

You guys are fucking deaf! You know that? You can't tell the difference between anything! Can you fucking hear me? DAMMIT CAN ANY OF YOU FUCKING HEAR ME?!

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Why do they have us right here in front of all these dildos?

Yeah, I mean, we're like, right in front of everything.

Ya, it's likes, deys, gawking at us, likes, a bunch of fish that can'ts close their eyes.

Look at that guy. Right there.