Scenes with Toki Wartooth 166
TokiWell, Fatty... dat's was not great back dere, how you killed an entire orchestra.
Looks cool but it does not reflects on us very well. Fatty Ding-Dongs, wes woulds likes to haves a words wid you, fathers to son.
Now, we know that it's totally your fault that the London Philharmonic was sliced in half by a laser beam, and we know that you're sorry, we know that. But I guess... hmmm... I guess we'd kinda hoped that you'd use better judgement, y'know? And as your fathers, we, uhh....
(Angry) Aw he ate my fucking shoes little bastard! He ate my Civil War shoes! (Murderface walks up to Fatty Ding Dong and has a slap fight with him) They're fucking irreplaceable Civil War shoes! YA FAT SON OF A BITCH!
Toki Wartooth
Oh, cool, yous gots a new shipment of custom guitar!
Yeah, dis is uh, some designs I'm messings arounds with, uh... dis one is, um, is Swiss Army-tar. Is good guitar for a camping trip, s'got toothpick.
Yeah, good tone, what's that one right' theere?
Uhh, is just an ant farm-itar. They, stills workings on it.
Nice! I'd like to stand on that thing.
Yah, an' this is the Gibson Excalib-itar, you know, and here's my... guitar made from the wood of Christ's cross.
Awww, get ready for a billion e-mails. Here comes the offended religious weirdos.
What's offensive about the most religious instrument ever?
[Toki yanks a tooth out, with black spots of decay on it.]
Toki
Yeah. Got any other questions? I'll be right here!
Your teeth are falling out because of your free candy from your free endorsement deal.
Toki
Are you a dentists?
Toki
Well, then, shut up! Oh, by the way, teeths grow back!
Toki
Yes, they do! Dont's you remember beings a little kids when you teeths woulds falls out and grow back and you would get the old one under the pillow so the ancient Norse god Orthar, the tooths collector, woulds leaves you a Pickle's Nickel?!
[A yell is heard.]
That came from Skwisgaar's dressing room!
[The oxygenating hand aquariums, part of Skwisgaar's Hand Insurance Policy, are stuck to Skwisgaar's hands.]
I don't know whats to do! This solid crystal oxygenating hands aquariums won't comes off!
Toki
SKWISGAAR, YOU GOTS TO GETS ON STAGE SOON!
Clank them together! Over your head! Burst them! Hurry!
[Skwisgaar clanks them over his head, only producing a tinkle, and the hand aquariums are barely even scratched.]
[William Murderface's "Murderknobs" commercial.]
[voice-over] Over a million babies and ladies die every hemisecond. That's why I use Murder Knobs.
[spoken] Doorknobs for a new world.
[Pickles the Drummer's "Pickle's Nickels" commercial.]
[voice-over] I'm Pickles the Drummer. And our country's experiencing a horrible problem - nobody is using nickels. Use nickels.
[spoken] Nickels is money too, guys.
VOVoice-over
Paid for in nickels by the US Department of Treasury.
[Nathan Explosion's "Explosion Sauce" commercial.]
[voice-over] I guess I've always hated my father. Explosion Sauce changed that.
[spoken] Explosion Sauce - it's good on its own.
[Toki Wartooth's "Willard Wonka Candy" commercial.]
Toki Wartooth
[voice-over] I Toki. I slips in and out of diabetic coma. They should makes insulin-flavored candy. Whatever.
[spoken] Candy: tastes like chicken, if chicken was a candy.
Check it out, losers. Direct your attention to my crotch. See it?
[Murderface displays his purchase, a sharp and lethal-looking codpiece.]
Best purchase ever. It's not a big deal; it's just totally diamond-encrusted and titanium-based...
Toki
Oh, whats a coincidence! I gots a real cool codpiece too!
[Toki turns on a bright green strap-on vibrator and stands up to display it.]
Uh, that's a dildo? A strap-on dildo?
Toki
Aww, screw you all off! My codpiece is the coolest!
Toki
I would like to ask questions next time.
Are you askings us to do that, Toki?
Toki
Ya I don'no.
Dats interesting. You saids, 'I woulds likes to asks a question.' Dats a statements.
Toki
What... is... the difference?
That's, a great question.
Yeah, well, all I can think about is the raffle. Can we win it?
Well dude, I fucking hope so, that's the only reason my ass is goin' 'ere!
Oh yeah! And there's gonna be an awesome motivational speaker. Oh my God I love being motivated. I love being motivated!
Toki
Me too!
[A video on being considerate at the workplace airs.]
I have to works with you everyday. So please, would you please take it easy on the cologne?
While that hurts my feelings, I understand.
When you see a piece of trash on the ground, don't just stand there, PICK IT UUUUUP!
Yeah! And don't leave your lunch lying around either! It attracts ants!
And most important, remember - death is an everyday part of the workplace!
[Toki is shown taking out the trash and comes across a rotting corpse.]
So, when you see a dead body, don't freak out!
Toki
Wowee!
Just... ring your Deth-bell!
[Toki rings his Deth-bell]
Sorry I'm late guys, I uh... just had another one a those, I-can't-figure-it-out dreams again, you know... I think I might be stupid.
How can you be stupid? You're famous!
Toki Wartooth
And yous a billionaire!
Dat sounds smart to me no matter how many times you slice it.
Hey quick! What's six times, um, er, uh... twelve!
Toki
I gets punch for laughing?!
Toki
But it's wrong!
Hey, I don't care how wrong it is. Just admit it; I'm a great speller and it burns you.
Toki
You're not a great speller! You got to spell right to be a speller!
So what? A guy hits a home run, but since he's fat it's not a home run? It's gotta be perfect? That's not the point.
Toki
Now that is the point! THAT - IS - SPELLING!
Ech, they can't helps it, Toki. Not everyone gets the advantage of superior Skanzanavians ekocationen.
'Kay, name something that's got nothin' ta do with guitar go, go go go go go...
[unable to produce an answer] Oh, dum, dah, uh, oh, um, ah...
Aww, it must be 200 degrees. Fuck this shit, I'm taking off my fucking shirt off.
MPMashed Potato Johnson
We in the south! The birth place of the blues.
Well it's too fucking hot! And I'm taking my shirt off!
My GOD, I have let myself go...
You have put on a few pounds lately -
You're, ah, not supposed to agree with me! Dick brain!
Toki Wartooth
What are we even doing in this horrible microwave? I don't even care nothings about this blouse!
Toki
Yeah. But all I cares about is dark and brutal!
You wanna know dark and brutal? Come with me.
Now Skwisgaar, let's talk about blues guitar.
I only plays metal. Its embarrass for us to even has this grandpas guitars.
That's because you don't know how to make the bluuues sound! Why don't you try to play this?
[Johnson plays a blues rhythm. Toki and Skwisgaar play nothing close to the rhythm previously played.]
That's close... one more time, try to play this!
[He plays a different blues sound, Skwisgaar and Toki play it wrong again.]
We can'ts not plays fast, uh, physically.
Toki
Yeah, it's hards!
Alright, let's try somethin' else.
[Toki and Skwisgaar get cinder blocks tied to their wrists, making them play slower, after a little playing, their wrists make a sudden movement causing the blocks to swing, and Toki gets hit in the balls.]
Toki
Oh, I gots the hit in the balls with the train cinder block, right in the balls oh... [keeps complaining in background]
Hey, ahh, I got yous Ken Burns Civil War documentary. You know, actually, uhh, I think this is yours. I'm just giving it back to you, [sigh] I uh, I never watched it.
Toki Wartooth
And I got you this. It's two Siamese fighting fish! They loves to pal around, that's why you gets two. Look!
Yea, I guess I'm lucky to be alive, huh?
I mean am I, do I deserve to be here? Right now?
AHHHHH! [grabs William by the head and shakes him] I DID THIS TO YOU! [lets go] I was driving the Murdercycle. It should be me there! [dramatic music starts again] Still alive, with all those gifts. I'm sorry. I'M SORRY!!!! [punches the wall, which causes a flower pot to fall on William's head] OH GOD, I'M SORRY!
Ahh, c'mon, I grew up in the Mid-West, I don't need to see another Christian rock band!
Listen, I almost killed him, he needs our support, just give it a chance, see... it's... it's, it's not so bad. It's uhh, fun?
Oh, there is no God! Just listen to his guitar! Ugh!
Toki
I gonna go check out this Christian rock mosh pit!
PBPrayer Bolt Lead Singer
Yeah! Praise the lord!
I've seen enough. Pretty good.
Toki
[backs away into crowd]
Metalocalypse · 448 quotes
