Toki Wartooth quotes from Metalocalypse

Aye, Comedy ain't never about humor. T'ain't no difference if you ask me.

Toki

But, that just doesn't seem to make any sense at all...

Comedy is about expressing your hate. The more hate you have, the funnier those rusty dildoes sitting at them tables will think you are!

Skwisgaar

But I bombed and I hates everything!

Aye, but do you hate yourself?

Toki

Hate... myself?

Ah yes, especially now eh? Bombing on stage and Mr. Tangerine Pigtails [referring to Pickles] went running away! It will take some time for him to recover from that horror he went through.

Toki

[finally understanding] I hate myself!

Yeah, now you're getting it. And once you can get in touch with your inner hatred, you can unleash it into the world. And once you embrace your hate, you will MURDER THEM! And you will kill, YOU WILL KILL!

Pickles

Well, I really hate myself.

Toki

Pickle, you back! We think you gone for good!

So I took a music management course at a Wisconsin state prison, ya' know, can you believe that crap?

Molly

He's a manager! [tense music starts] He's gonna make an office above the garage!

Hell yeah! I manage like five bands in D block. You know? For good! You ever heard of the Twixies? It hasn't gotten out yet, but you know, I record some stuff, then hit the phones, I'm so good! It blew my mind! [tense music gets louder] I just wanted to talk to you, dude... we should start a frickin' label! Can you imagine that? You know? Brothers in business? I would be in charge of numbers. You just play the music, play those rat-a-tat-tat, play those drums. And I want to do it plenty, and big fans and labels. [tense music stops suddenly]

William

Awwm lemme outta here, I gotta pee-pee!

Nathan

Yeah me too!

Skwisgaar

Yeah that's for sure!

Toki

[catatonically silent]

Pickles

TIME TO GO! Time to go! Everyone get packed up... where's the folks? He - heyyyyy -

Skwisgaar

Ugh. Can't comes even faster. This sour stomach ever since my mom's been here?

Nathan

Toki hasn't said one word!

Toki

[still catatonically silent]

William

Maybe they died in their sleep.

[approaches Dethklok members] Alright dudes, may I have a word with you?

Pickles

Oh, not now bro, we gotta see everybody off for now, for good, to the airport! Guhhh... where are they?

Okay, here's the deal. Everyone's in the studio right? We're gonna have a lil' pow-wow.

Nathan

The studio?

Nathan

Do it again, Toki. Take 164.

Skwisgaar

Just... let me record it. Each take gets worse! He's slowly learning how to unplay the guitar.

Toki Wartooth

I can hear that. The talkback mike is on.

Skwisgaar

Pickle, please let me know when the talkback mike is on so that Mr. Sensitives don'ts goes to crysbabies house for vacation?

Toki

I can stills hear you.

Skwisgaar

So, what do you want? A be-able-to-hear-things award?!

Toki

Eh, not really. Doesn't sound like a greats award, to be honest.

Hey, ah, this is John Twinkletits, ah. Remember me? I was in the Amazlingtons with you. Just want to let you that I'm in another band and we're called Dethklok. No big whoop. No big whoop. Just give me a call back whenever you can, but then again you probably can't BECAUSE I KILLED YOU.

Toki

I'm telling you he's crazy.

Murderface

How could you say something like that? He's a genius.

Nathan

Alright, this is getting completely out of control. Twinkletits thinks he's in our band. I think we gotta fire 'em.

Toki

Wait, we can do that?

Nathan

Yeah. I just found out we can fire anybody we employ.

Can we's fires ourselves?

Nathan

Yeah, no, I... I found that out too.

Pickles

Can we give ourselves a raise?

Nathan

Yeah, I mean I think so. Don't quote me on that, but I think we can.

Pickles

Oh, dude, then I, you know I give myself a raise right now.

Ja, I give me a raise too.

Toki

I give myself a solid gold telephone.

Murderface

I give myself a bunch of boats. Wit' a bunch of... Vietnamese people on 'em... on fire.

Pickles

Dudes. I just thought about something. If we fire Twinkletits, then we ain't gonna see no more banana stickers.

Toki

Look. The wol-e-ves eat him.

Skwisgaar

Yes, Toki, and his body will nourish the wolves.

Toki

I believe the cycle of learning is complete.

Skwisgaar

Indeeds. Alls of us should learns a lesson.

Pickles

Yeah. And what lesson might that be?

Skwisgaar

I haves no idea. But it's pretty metal that he's being eaten, look at that right there.

Nathan

[videotaping Twinkletits getting eaten by the wolves] I loved him. I ... can say that now.

William

Now that he's dead, it's much easier to say emotional things about him.

Pickles

Guys, maybe this is weird to say, but am I the only one who is being made to feel hungry by watching this?

Nathan

[pause] Let's eat!

Nathan Explosion

Hey! We were watching that.

Pickles the Drummer

Dude, right, so you could make fun of me, I know.

Skwisgaar Skwigelf

No way, to compliments you, you were such a beautifuls lady back then. Maybe, yous all favor us with a few make-ups tips.

Pickles the Drummer

Eh hahaha. That's really funny.

William Murderface

It's exciting! Turn it back on! I wanna see what happens!

Pickles

What do you mean? I'm here! That's what happened! That's the end of the story.

William

Well it's boring when you say it.

Pickles

I know.

Toki Wartooth

Pickle? [sigh] this Snakes 'N' Barrel, it's not my cup of tea. It sucks!

Pickles

Well, it's not a nice thing to say, Toki.

Toki

Not my fault it sucks.

Murderface

What if Pickles never comes back? Boy, that'd be totally messed up.

Nathan

Oh come on guys, it's not like this is anyones first band. You'll probably all want to go reunite with your old bands at some point.

Toki

Dethklok is my first band.

Nathan

Oh. Well, one day, you'll want to reunite with us.

Toki

Why? We already together.

Nathan

Just 'cause we're not broken up doesn't mean we can't reunite.

Skwisgaar

Actuallys, I thinks that's exactlys what that means.

Nathan

Seriously?

Skwisgaar

You can'ts reunite with a bands that has not brokeds up. They won't let you.

Toki

That sucks. Psch, great.

Nathan

Wait, could we have a "Not Reunion" tour, where we, you know, just come out and like, you know, do a regular show?

Skwisgaar

No, I looked into it.

Nathan

Well that's pretty lame.

Skwisgaar

Well, that's showbiz.

Nathan

Most brutal album, huh? Ugh, I hate to say it, they're right! It's an amazing album! Congratulations Pickles. It's so chilling!

Murderface

What a great way to go out too! I only hope we can end that way! Clawing our eyes out, throwing up acid blood!

Toki

I officially take backs whatever I said about Snakes 'N' Barrels. You're amazing!

Skwisgaar

This music is likes potato chips. I can't stops listening to it! Plays it again!

Pickles

Alright.

Nathan Explosion

Why do I drink so much before stupid fan day?

William Murderface

I believe you drink because it's fan day.

Nathan

Ugh. I don't w - Don't talk to me about that. Wai - wait, where's Skwisgaar?

Toki Wartooth

I don't think he gonna be here for a while, he had a very big night with a very huge fan!

Nathan

Yeah, we were all up late.

Toki

Not me, I actually got good rest.

Pickles

Can you please, just be quiet for a second?

Toki

Ahh, what's wrong Pickle? You just need to eat something. Your name is Pickle, maybe you should try pickle herring sandwich [hands him a sandwich] very famous from Oslo!

OH YEAH PICKLE- [Pickles shuts the door]

Pickles

GOD! Everywhere I go, there's fans everywhere! Can't I just throw up in my own house?! Ugh!

Murderface

OH GOD! Don't, what are you - bulimia?

Nathan

Oh, great now you're gonna start a whole chain reaction, puke-a... a-thon!

Toki

Aww! Blood puke! Good song title, someone write that - oh, that's right we already wrote that. Good song though!

Nathan

[breathing heavily] Ohh, I think I need another liver transplant.

Toki Wartooth

Yeah but checks dis out! I can force all the bloods to my face and gives myself a real cool blowjob!

Toki

Dat's what I'm talkin' about!

Skwisgaar

Pfft... you means nosebleed, not blowjob. Idiot.

Pickles

Dudes, what the hell is wrong with this guy? He can't stand still.

Toki

Maybe he gots to go outside and gos to the... B-A-S-T-H-R-O-H-M-N-S-E.

Toki

Don't kill him, leave him alone! He's my son!

Nathan

I'm not, you idiot, I'm... using... hug therapy on him! Read somewhere it's supposed to calm him down! [Nathan Grunts and Fatty stops squirming] Oh... dear sweet... Lord, I think he just used the restroom in his shorts. [drops Fat Kid] I guess he did have to go outside.

Toki

You know, I'm starting to get sick of dis fatherhoods thing, and why are we the ones who always get stuck feeding his fat ass? I think they racist or something.

Skwisgaar

Well, it's not supposed to be easy, Toki. Eats your foods, Fatty Ding-Dong, because your daddies goings to take yous to thes charitys show, to's sees daddies play... eh, he's not listening. I don't know Toki, fatherhood is a strange word. So much responsibility, and whats are the rewards? Huh?

Toki

I suppose... I feel a sense... of pride... knowing I help raise him... so dere is dat. HERE'S A BUCKET OF HANKBURKERS, AND A COUPLE OF BIG GULPS AND CRAPS, YOU FAT TITS!

Skwisgaar

Try not to choke, you fat tub of shit. We loves you!