Hey, I don't care how wrong it is. Just admit it; I'm a great speller and it burns you.
You're not a great speller! You got to spell right to be a speller!
So what? A guy hits a home run, but since he's fat it's not a home run? It's gotta be perfect? That's not the point.
Now that is the point! THAT - IS - SPELLING!
SkwisgaarEch, they can't helps it, Toki. Not everyone gets the advantage of superior Skanzanavians ekocationen.
'Kay, name something that's got nothin' ta do with guitar go, go go go go go...
Skwisgaar
[unable to produce an answer] Oh, dum, dah, uh, oh, um, ah...
Skwisgaar
Um, Nathans? What do yous do, before you're nervous, at a show?
Yeah, whaddaya you, whaddaya you do? [shakes a bottle of liquor in front of Nathan] What's Nathan do?
Just have a little drink!
That's it! I have a little drink! [starts drinking the entire bottle of liquor]
Skwisgaar
Aww, it must be 200 degrees. Fuck this shit, I'm taking off my fucking shirt off.
MPMashed Potato Johnson
We in the south! The birth place of the blues.
Well it's too fucking hot! And I'm taking my shirt off!
My GOD, I have let myself go...
You have put on a few pounds lately -
You're, ah, not supposed to agree with me! Dick brain!
What are we even doing in this horrible microwave? I don't even care nothings about this blouse!
Yeah. But all I cares about is dark and brutal!
You wanna know dark and brutal? Come with me.
'Dis here where the blues began. Right here where we standin' Blind Harlan Davenport killed his wife, bury her in that chicken coop right there. That night he recorded "Wife Gone on a Funeral Train Blues." Next mornin', the po-lice shot him in the eye 52 times... [later] This is where Smokey Toe Brown was savagely beaten for sleepin' wif his neighbor's wife, shortly before he recorded "Train Leavin' This Station Blues". They say his ghost come back to life and kill his neighbor, pitchfork his intestines and hung them on a tree... [later] Everybody knows Shorty Turlingtop made a deal wif the devil. He was hit by a train at this exact spot. As his head traveled in the air, he wrote "Blues Train Blues".
Skwisgaar
Alls they sings about is trains!
Is there anything else really to talk about? Heh heh. Come on...This here's where Mustard Tits the Murder Master Brown slaughtered 22 men just for bein' ugly, heh. He went on to record "Here Come That Train A-Comin' Blues".
Now Skwisgaar, let's talk about blues guitar.
Skwisgaar
I only plays metal. Its embarrass for us to even has this grandpas guitars.
That's because you don't know how to make the bluuues sound! Why don't you try to play this?
[Johnson plays a blues rhythm. Toki and Skwisgaar play nothing close to the rhythm previously played.]
That's close... one more time, try to play this!
[He plays a different blues sound, Skwisgaar and Toki play it wrong again.]
Skwisgaar
We can'ts not plays fast, uh, physically.
Alright, let's try somethin' else.
[Toki and Skwisgaar get cinder blocks tied to their wrists, making them play slower, after a little playing, their wrists make a sudden movement causing the blocks to swing, and Toki gets hit in the balls.]
Oh, I gots the hit in the balls with the train cinder block, right in the balls oh... [keeps complaining in background]
Skwisgaar
Hey, ahh, I got yous Ken Burns Civil War documentary. You know, actually, uhh, I think this is yours. I'm just giving it back to you, [sigh] I uh, I never watched it.
And I got you this. It's two Siamese fighting fish! They loves to pal around, that's why you gets two. Look!
Yea, I guess I'm lucky to be alive, huh?
I mean am I, do I deserve to be here? Right now?
AHHHHH! [grabs William by the head and shakes him] I DID THIS TO YOU! [lets go] I was driving the Murdercycle. It should be me there! [dramatic music starts again] Still alive, with all those gifts. I'm sorry. I'M SORRY!!!! [punches the wall, which causes a flower pot to fall on William's head] OH GOD, I'M SORRY!
Mmmmmmm.... Reeeligggion... mmm... reeeeeligiiiiion... mmmmmmmmmm... religggion...
Skwisgaar
Pffft, this is dildos. Doesn't he knows there's no such things as religion?
You mean you don't believe in God. There is such a thing as religion.
Skwisgaar
Well prove it! Show me a miracle that religion exists!
Well, uhh, there's a Bible right there.
Skwisgaar
Well... maybe I re-evaluates my life.
Ahh, c'mon, I grew up in the Mid-West, I don't need to see another Christian rock band!
Listen, I almost killed him, he needs our support, just give it a chance, see... it's... it's, it's not so bad. It's uhh, fun?
Skwisgaar
Oh, there is no God! Just listen to his guitar! Ugh!
I gonna go check out this Christian rock mosh pit!
PBPrayer Bolt Lead Singer
Yeah! Praise the lord!
I've seen enough. Pretty good.
What kind of church is this?
This is the, uhh, Church of the Atheists.
Oh, uhh, what does that mean?
Oh, uhh, it means that they don't believe in, uhh, God.
Oh, like Skwisgaar or Toki?
Skwisgaar
No we are Nihilists, we don't believe in anything.
Can't a Nihilist also not believe in god, too?
Skwisgaar
Uhhh, I don't know.
APAtheist Priest
Oh, God, whom we do not believe in, let us all not pray for you whom does not exist in any rational realm...
APAtheist Priest
Oh no, we're being picketed by agnostics!
[informing the band] Agnostics honor the possibility of there not being God.
APAtheist Priest
Get 'em!
They hate each other. This is gonna be awesome.
[peering out the window] Just give me a sign. Show me the path of enlightenment, dear, sweet demilord icon.
I don't wants to sounds harsh, but this is gettin' weird. He's been through every religion and he ain't decide on nothing. This kind of thing could really fucks up a band. We mays needs to kicks his ass out.
What do you mean? Why do you say that?
Because he's creepy. He's acting likes he's fucking demon-possessed. Look at him!
Skwisgaar
Yah I agree, it always happens. One band member, y'know, becomes religion, and the whole band has to change to accommodate the guy, y'know... the dynamic is all the boom, magic is gone... it sucks, y'know but, uh, yeah I say we kill him.
Aw come on, you dicks, he's the bass player. Without him, we're nothing. Sure, we mix his bass out of pretty much every song, but we need him. [pause] Okay, we really don't need him, but it's my fault he's this way; I guess that's my point!
Yeaaaaaaahhhhhhh, see you in your nightmares, dickweeds, ahhhhhh!
Skwisgaar Skwigelf
Toki is losing his mind, he is.
[drunkenly and incoherently] Yeah, mmyeah, acting weird.
I know. I've never seen him like this, he's turnin' into a real asshole.
[has lost his voice] Can we kick him out of the band?
Woah, woah, woah, woah, ooh... okay, alright, relax... here's what you do... he sleeps, sack, bar of soap, bang bang bang! Brain damage, corn field, gun, pow [makes sound of gun], funeral...
Skwisgaar
Oh I, thats mays bes a littles toos hards fors mes tos handle.
[quietly] Well, fire him then!
Ahhh, maybe you're right. Looks like I'll have to cancel Planet Piss, DAMN IT!
Skwisgaar
Ja, why?
Well, because, too emotional and - I'll probably have to cancel it, awh darn!
If you really want to fire Toki, I can begin processing the paperwork, but before we do that, I ah, I might have plan.
Toki, what were you thinkin?! Hanging out with clowns?!
Why didn't you call us?! You've got a cellphone! Why didn't you use it? Where were -
You're going out all night with guns, and ya know, guns... y'know, they're cool so... What am I saying here?
Back off jack-off, it wasn't his fault.
Skwisgaar Skwigelf
I gives that clowns a little of bit of a smack.
Skwisgaar
Your friend ha. Drunks driving before a tour! Shooting ze guns, huh?
Yeah, he's not a real friend.
Skwisgaar
What kinds of a friends takes on such a godless endeavor? What if you hurt your pinky finger huh? No more tour.
Yeah. What if you hurt your hands?
Yeah, you're being a selfish prick.
...I woke up with a clown's hand in my pants. That's... that's what I did today.
Yeah, what the fuck, Toki? There's no such things as clowns.
Aww come on, how come I can't have a friend who's a clown? He makes me laugh, ha ha ha!
Skwisgaar
....We care about you!
I should be asleep right now. This is a waste of time.
It's metal to like clowns.
EEEverybody Else
No, it's non-metal.
Don't try to tell us it's metal because it's not. We know that trick.
Clowns are, statistically, the most hated of all creatures.
Skwisgaar
Statisticallies or not, but, uh, just don'ts likes this guy.
Okay, it's late. Let's just all calm down and discuss this in the morning. May we offer you a ride home?
[talking to Klokateer] Give him whatever he wants. [whispers] Put the boots to him, medium style.
Metalocalypse · 448 quotes
