Hey, you sound like crap, Murderface, what's wrong with you?
I just can't seem to get comfortable. I ran out of clean underwear so I'm wearing a bathing suit.
What am I gonna do, not wear underwear?
Yeah, it's called freeballing.
Yeah, I mean I only wear underwear only about... [counts on his fingers] 65% of the time, honestly, otherwise I'm just freeballing.
SkwisgaarOh ja, in Sweden , underwears is y'know, the kinky stuff, worn as a fetish ja, but you know the exciting sexual stuff? is always freeballing.
Freeballing huh? Well, I'll give it a try.
Wow - I feel pretty good, this freeballing's amazing.
Skwisgaar
You actuallies been playing ze, almost the bass that can be listens to lately, Murderface, y'know, maybes we even turns it up on the next album.
I think it's this freeballing. Pickles, I can not thank you enough. If only the whole world freeballed - no wonder those Arabs're wearing their dresses.
Skwisgaar
Freeball.
Oh, that's Dr. Rockso. Yeah, I invites him over. No big deal.
Skwisgaar
Oh, no, Toki! You don'ts have to always compensates, alright, we pays more attentions to you.
Screw that psychological mambo-jambo, I just likes to laugh, ha ha!
Hey don't run, it's wet! I thought we agreed, no clowns!
No, we didn't agreed on nothing, we just all yelled and then he was beaten, thats was our conclusions.
Aw, damn, I don't want that asshole around here.
Skwisgaar
Oh boy, gets readies for a lots of screamings.
Normally, that painted dildo would piss me off, but lately, I've made friends with a distinguished old gentleman sitting on two duffle bags. I'm free, downstairs. Think about it.
K-K-K-K-K-K-YEAH! IT'S ME DR. ROCKSO, THE ROCK AND ROLL CLOWN!
Ha ha ha! [laughs] I just cracks up every time!
Well wipe your feet before you come in here?
Hey business man, what you do for a living, sell shoes? K-K-YEAH...
May I have a short word with you?
Oh yeah, you are short. Ohhhhhh yeah.
Skwisgaar
Yowza.
So, you've been cordially invited to host at the United States Pornography Awards...
[The bands, except Nathan, cheers.]
Not the uh, most distinguished event, I advise we pass. Moving on, we have a -
Skwisgaar Skwigelf
Fuck that, I'm going.
Yeah, what are you, a eunuch? Sign us up!
They're not paying you, and you'd lose money.
So, fuck that, I pay them for this! I just wants to make out withs thems beautiful goils...
Well, uh... financially speaking, you -
Hey, listen, eh, "Mr. Numbers", uh, sometimes you gotta just do something because your heart tells ya it's the right thing to do...
Skwisgaar
Gots to listen to your hearts...
Now signs us up! Naked ladies, oh wowie!
[The band, sans Nathan, at practice.]
Skwisgaar
I'ms gettings worrieds. United States Pornography Awards in two days and Nathan hasn't been to rehearsal.
That's ladies for you, they rob you of your very essence! They're SOUL MURDERERS!
Skwisgaar
They're not goods enough for hims! I hates her! Yets... I would totally do's her.
Yeah, me too. So strange, is this mind of men...
Skwisgaar
[philosophically] Yeah, my little friend... we are... so evolved, yet out animalistic inskinks always remind us of who we really are.
[conclusively] Mens are the beasts... and womens... the demons of the nights...
[Nathan enters.]
Skwisgaar
Hey! You feeling all right?
[clearly excited] Aw, did she break up with you?
No. But I have some bad news... I can't go to the United States Pornography Awards... I'm not allowed.
Dude, but if you can't go, then we can't play and...[babbles] We can't go! We can't go!!!
I wanted to kiss the girls!
Skwisgaar
WHHHYYYYY?!
You don't understand, she won't let me!
Your relationship is messing with our lives! Our lives!
[The band tries to torture sense into Nathan.]
Skwisgaar
Your attitude is unacceptable. Why do you like that lady?
Every time we see you with her, you look like a beaten dog! Aroooo!
Fine! You want the truth? I hate that lady.
You hate her? And yet you are with her? Why?!
[Toki tasers Nathan.]
It's the most brutal thing ever. It's not like regular hate. It's so much more black. If she were a street gang I'd fucking go to war with her with bottles and chains. But this is different. There's nothing I can do.
[At the United States Pornography Awards.]
Skwisgaar
And the awards for the best use of a dildo...
Dildo-dildo-a-rooney-roo!
"Kissing Lips, the kissing dildo"...
And the award goes to "Dildo Team Task Force Z".
NSNathan's Character
Blood. An ocean of blood. I wondered how many blood drops of blood there are in this blood ocean. I wondered how much is in... in a drop. I wondered, how I - let's just say there are possibly...
MSMurderface's Character, a police officer
I am just a cop. A cop who happens to be a serial killer. How did I get here in this blood ocean? I guess it all started a long time ago, far away from here...
SSSkwisgaar's Character, a Space Viking
[a voice over] Our planet is in search of blood. It will have to be a whole ocean of blood.
Skwisgaar
Whats the hells, that isn't hows I sound!
PCPickles Character
[in a very high voice; sounds like he is either drunk or high] I'm torn between my evil desires and the quest for justice in earth -
NSNathan's Character
...Take this, and multiply by the volume of the water in the ocean, 'cause it's blood, a blood ocean, and the water... I found, I found it out, there's trillions of gallons -
Oh what the fuck, what a piece of shit.
Was I more fat, or was I more stupid-looking? My god I'm hideous.
Skwisgaar
Who's was thats voice?
It didn't even make sense! [to Ofdensen] You, do whatever it takes, that piece of crap ain't comin' out!
Aw, nots even ons D Vee D?
JGJames Grishnack
Hello boys, hope I'm not interrupting anything.
Mr. Grishnack, that movie cannot come out. It's crap!
GGrishnack
Now don't be drastic, this happens all the time. We just happened to make another, what you call in this business, a real piece o' shit!
So you're not going to release it...
GGrishnack
Normally, a movie like this, I'd just, I'd just eat it and it would die, but since it's you, oh yeah, we're gonna put this out, and it's gonna make the money back. I don't care if it's gonna ruin your careers, I'm making my money back. It's Dethklok in a movie.
That's our reputation you're messing with, Grishnack!
GGrishnack
Alright, dildoes, listen up! I've been fucking over fathead celebrities since you were all shitting in diapers! Now, this movie, it's a 500 million dollar shit sandwich, and you're all gonna take a bite and you're gonna smile cause you love how it tastes! Got it? Now you go out there, your-your adoring public... I wrote all the reviews! Nobody knows what a good movie is anymore! Just shut up and smile! Remember: shit sandwich, tastes great! Now go!
Gentlemen. You've been receiving death threats from some of your fans.
No, Pickles, they're threatening to kill you.
That... that's a different thing!
Yes. Before the show, we should do a couple of safety briefings, I've outlined a very specific -
Right, well, anything else?
Any new ideas for the Dethmerch? I remember you all complaining that you were sick of -
Skwisgaar Skwigelf
Oh. Ja. Guys. Ares you ready? Dis is it.
Skwisgaar
Dis is... times travels face bag.
Time... travel... face bag, am I saying that right? Looks like you have uh, some plastic bags. What are you doing?
[voice muffled through the bag] We're traveling through time.
Yeah, you put the face bag on and travel through time!
[removes the bag] Dear God! You, boy in the street! What day is it?
It is Wed - It's Friday! It's Friday!
I must have traveled through time itself!
We've uh, figured out how to travel through time at the speed of... regular time, with plastic bags.
Skwisgaar
What in the fucking names of Odin?!
Skwisgaar
Dude, where are we's? What the fuck we just flies in? ...What the hell was wrong with your guitar sounds tonight?
The hells that supposed to mean, it sounded great!
Skwisgaar
Nope. Sounds dildos. Agains.
Skwisgaar
I'm just sayings I can hears you guitars ringing out in my monitor mix, yous are half-assing!
[offended] How dare you! I'm sellin' it - You - I'm kicking ass! You just stand there! [makes a noise] Just boring! I'm rocking it every -
Skwisgaar
Yeah, well that's the expense of sloppys playing. You see Toki -
[aiming handguns at Toki and Skwisgaar] It's time to die!
Skwisgaar
I will seesk you in Valhalska.
... I've always hated you, Skwisgaar...
Skwisgaar
I knows, Toki... I knows.
That's my bread and butter you're fucking with.
OOffdensen
Gentlemen, I have the recording schedules right here. You'll see that we need to get started on the new record pretty soon, so... [Dethklok is not paying any attention to him, the only sound is Murderface's knife on a plate] Uh. Nothin'?
Can you just at least ask us how we're doing, or something? Y'know, before you start with all this... robotic crap? I mean, am I wrong?-
Yeah, you're all like, "Here's the schedule and now get to work, you ugly humps!" [offended] Ugly humps?!
You're like a robot. You're like an... emotionless robot.
Skwisgaar
Robot.
Robots are not to be trusted...
OOffdensen
Okay, fine. Uh. How are... all of you?
Skwisgaar
Hows ares wes? WE'S IN THE MIDDLE OF HAVINGS A FUCKING DINNERS MEAL! DATS HOWS WE AM!
Toki, you may clear the table, when you feel that it's time.
Any of you guys mind if I mace this stupid turkey?
Aw, go ahead. I don't want no more.
OH, YEAH! [maces the turkey with a device attached to his crotch] Take that you stupid turkey! Right in you face!
OOffdensen
Uh... I'm sorry, what is that?
Oh, this a Pelvic Thrust Mace Belt.
Metalocalypse · 448 quotes
