Skwisgaar Skwigelf quotes from Metalocalypse

Hey... good luck on your show tonight.

Oh, hey, thanks. I gotta get ready back here, if you don't mind.

Skwisgaar

Go gets them. Haves a really great show... do that for me.

...Yeah, I gotta, you know get ready -

William

Just don't forget about us... [raises his beer bottle] He's a good kid!

Ohhh, you're acting weird.

We just, you know, umm, we care about you.

Skwisgaar

Yeah, if you gets a problems with thats, then, well I guess that's just sad.

Oh God, I'm not leaving Dethklok, I've told you this a billion times, okay? I'm just doing this for fun!

Yeah, well, it's not brutal you know... Snakes 'N' Barrels isn't brutal.

I know.

Okay.

Okay.

Just do a great job! And don't leave us! I gotta get going, YOUR MUSIC SUCKS AND YOU'RE AN ASSHOLE! ...I'm having a hard time expressing myself.

Will you guys get the hell out of here? I'm supposed to be going over the songs.

Skwisgaar

Oh ja? Well then where's your stupid band?

[gasp] I don't even know where they are!

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Most brutal album, huh? Ugh, I hate to say it, they're right! It's an amazing album! Congratulations Pickles. It's so chilling!

What a great way to go out too! I only hope we can end that way! Clawing our eyes out, throwing up acid blood!

I officially take backs whatever I said about Snakes 'N' Barrels. You're amazing!

Skwisgaar

This music is likes potato chips. I can't stops listening to it! Plays it again!

Alright.

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[playing with a laser pointer] My god, these things are amazing. Check it out, I'm an eye doctor.

Charles Ofdensen

Can you please give me the laser pointer? It does not belong to you.

Hey, wait your turn.

William Murderface

Hey, point that into my eyes again. Awww, yeaaah, it's awesome!

Skwisgaar Skwigelf

Points the laser beams at my too eye. Awhhh, cool...

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Toki Wartooth

Yeah but checks dis out! I can force all the bloods to my face and gives myself a real cool blowjob!

Dat's what I'm talkin' about!

Skwisgaar

Pfft... you means nosebleed, not blowjob. Idiot.

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You know, I'm starting to get sick of dis fatherhoods thing, and why are we the ones who always get stuck feeding his fat ass? I think they racist or something.

Skwisgaar

Well, it's not supposed to be easy, Toki. Eats your foods, Fatty Ding-Dong, because your daddies goings to take yous to thes charitys show, to's sees daddies play... eh, he's not listening. I don't know Toki, fatherhood is a strange word. So much responsibility, and whats are the rewards? Huh?

I suppose... I feel a sense... of pride... knowing I help raise him... so dere is dat. HERE'S A BUCKET OF HANKBURKERS, AND A COUPLE OF BIG GULPS AND CRAPS, YOU FAT TITS!

Skwisgaar

Try not to choke, you fat tub of shit. We loves you!

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Well, Fatty... dat's was not great back dere, how you killed an entire orchestra.

Skwisgaar

Looks cool but it does not reflects on us very well. Fatty Ding-Dongs, wes woulds likes to haves a words wid you, fathers to son.

Now, we know that it's totally your fault that the London Philharmonic was sliced in half by a laser beam, and we know that you're sorry, we know that. But I guess... hmmm... I guess we'd kinda hoped that you'd use better judgement, y'know? And as your fathers, we, uhh....

(Angry) Aw he ate my fucking shoes little bastard! He ate my Civil War shoes! (Murderface walks up to Fatty Ding Dong and has a slap fight with him) They're fucking irreplaceable Civil War shoes! YA FAT SON OF A BITCH!

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Toki Wartooth

Oh, cool, yous gots a new shipment of custom guitar!

Skwisgaar

Yeah, dis is uh, some designs I'm messings arounds with, uh... dis one is, um, is Swiss Army-tar. Is good guitar for a camping trip, s'got toothpick.

Pickles the Drummer

Yeah, good tone, what's that one right' theere?

Skwisgaar

Uhh, is just an ant farm-itar. They, stills workings on it.

William Murderface

Nice! I'd like to stand on that thing.

Yeah, I'd stand on that.

Skwisgaar

Yah, an' this is the Gibson Excalib-itar, you know, and here's my... guitar made from the wood of Christ's cross.

Awww, get ready for a billion e-mails. Here comes the offended religious weirdos.

Skwisgaar

What's offensive about the most religious instrument ever?

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[Skwisgaar is trying to give instructions to a stage hand on the set.]

Skwisgaar

Okay, let me explains again, in prefectly clear English, I wants, flys in, on, a dragons, okay? How many times I gots to tell this peoples?!

SHStage Hand

I know, there isn't a dragon.

Skwisgaar

I know, dat's what I'm telling you!

SHStage Hand

But that's what I'm telling you.

Skwisgaar

So go get one! What are you doing here?! Go! Go get one! Now! Go, go!

SHStage Hand

They don't have them!

Skwisgaar

Are you telling me dere out of dragons?

SHStage Hand

They never had dragons.

Skwisgaar

Who didn't?

SHStage Hand

The world!

Skwisgaar

[infuriated] Get dis guy out of here! Finds me a dragon!

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[A yell is heard.]

That came from Skwisgaar's dressing room!

[The oxygenating hand aquariums, part of Skwisgaar's Hand Insurance Policy, are stuck to Skwisgaar's hands.]

Skwisgaar

I don't know whats to do! This solid crystal oxygenating hands aquariums won't comes off!

SKWISGAAR, YOU GOTS TO GETS ON STAGE SOON!

Skwisgaar

OHH NOOOO!

Clank them together! Over your head! Burst them! Hurry!

[Skwisgaar clanks them over his head, only producing a tinkle, and the hand aquariums are barely even scratched.]

It sounded cool.

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Skwisgaar

Oh lighten up Mr. Dooms N' Glooms, embezzle is metal.

Who's the guy embezzling from, you know, anyway?

Charles Ofdensen

Well, he is embezzling... from you.

NOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

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[Dethklok is conducting their annual employee evaluation interviews.]

Okay, so, uhh... number 421. You, ehh... you are part of the sector eighteen, recording studio maintainence clean team. Okay! Uhh... qui... couple questions. How, do, you, value, your, what you contribute, of, to, at the work force? Ehh... second part: which, do you most, can't, the least? Skwisgaar?

Skwisgaar

Yeah?

You write these questions?

Skwisgaar

Yeah I did.