Pickles the DrummerToki, what were you thinkin?! Hanging out with clowns?!
Why didn't you call us?! You've got a cellphone! Why didn't you use it? Where were -
Pickles
You're going out all night with guns, and ya know, guns... y'know, they're cool so... What am I saying here?
Back off jack-off, it wasn't his fault.
Pickles
You shut up!
I gives that clowns a little of bit of a smack.
Your friend ha. Drunks driving before a tour! Shooting ze guns, huh?
Yeah, he's not a real friend.
Pickles
Dick!
What kinds of a friends takes on such a godless endeavor? What if you hurt your pinky finger huh? No more tour.
Yeah. What if you hurt your hands?
Pickles
Yeah, you're being a selfish prick.
...I woke up with a clown's hand in my pants. That's... that's what I did today.
Yeah, what the fuck, Toki? There's no such things as clowns.
Aww come on, how come I can't have a friend who's a clown? He makes me laugh, ha ha ha!
I should be asleep right now. This is a waste of time.
Pickles
He smells like piss.
It's metal to like clowns.
EEEverybody Else
No, it's non-metal.
Don't try to tell us it's metal because it's not. We know that trick.
Clowns are, statistically, the most hated of all creatures.
Statisticallies or not, but, uh, just don'ts likes this guy.
Okay, it's late. Let's just all calm down and discuss this in the morning. May we offer you a ride home?
[talking to Klokateer] Give him whatever he wants. [whispers] Put the boots to him, medium style.
Hey, you sound like crap, Murderface, what's wrong with you?
I just can't seem to get comfortable. I ran out of clean underwear so I'm wearing a bathing suit.
What am I gonna do, not wear underwear?
Pickles
Yeah, it's called freeballing.
Yeah, I mean I only wear underwear only about... [counts on his fingers] 65% of the time, honestly, otherwise I'm just freeballing.
Oh ja, in Sweden , underwears is y'know, the kinky stuff, worn as a fetish ja, but you know the exciting sexual stuff? is always freeballing.
Freeballing huh? Well, I'll give it a try.
Wow - I feel pretty good, this freeballing's amazing.
Find something interesting in there, did you?
Easy Rockso, easy. Don't you think you might have had a little too much cocaine?
[voice wavering] Back off, man. Leave me alone.
[hearing a shot being fired] Hey, that's my driving gun! [stands up]
Pickles
Hey, you're not supposed to wear clothes in the hot tub.
[dashes by] K-K-K-K-K-YEAH!
Pickles the Drummer
She's probably keeping watch, like a hawk.
Yeah, it's another judgemental bird-face band-wrecker.
What? Nothing, god you're paranoid. Oh, there's my drink, over there, gotta go!
So, you've been cordially invited to host at the United States Pornography Awards...
[The bands, except Nathan, cheers.]
Not the uh, most distinguished event, I advise we pass. Moving on, we have a -
Pickles
Yeah, what are you, a eunuch? Sign us up!
They're not paying you, and you'd lose money.
So, fuck that, I pay them for this! I just wants to make out withs thems beautiful goils...
Well, uh... financially speaking, you -
Hey, listen, eh, "Mr. Numbers", uh, sometimes you gotta just do something because your heart tells ya it's the right thing to do...
Gots to listen to your hearts...
Now signs us up! Naked ladies, oh wowie!
Pickles
It's unanimous!
[Nathan enters.]
Hey! You feeling all right?
[clearly excited] Aw, did she break up with you?
No. But I have some bad news... I can't go to the United States Pornography Awards... I'm not allowed.
Pickles
Dude, but if you can't go, then we can't play and...[babbles] We can't go! We can't go!!!
I wanted to kiss the girls!
Pickles
I want to die...
You don't understand, she won't let me!
Your relationship is messing with our lives! Our lives!
[The band tries to torture sense into Nathan.]
Your attitude is unacceptable. Why do you like that lady?
Pickles
Every time we see you with her, you look like a beaten dog! Aroooo!
Fine! You want the truth? I hate that lady.
You hate her? And yet you are with her? Why?!
[Toki tasers Nathan.]
It's the most brutal thing ever. It's not like regular hate. It's so much more black. If she were a street gang I'd fucking go to war with her with bottles and chains. But this is different. There's nothing I can do.
[At the United States Pornography Awards.]
And the awards for the best use of a dildo...
Pickles
On "Golden Dildo"...
Dildo-dildo-a-rooney-roo!
"Kissing Lips, the kissing dildo"...
And the award goes to "Dildo Team Task Force Z".
Oh what the fuck, what a piece of shit.
Was I more fat, or was I more stupid-looking? My god I'm hideous.
Pickles
It didn't even make sense! [to Ofdensen] You, do whatever it takes, that piece of crap ain't comin' out!
Aw, nots even ons D Vee D?
JGJames Grishnack
Hello boys, hope I'm not interrupting anything.
Pickles
Mr. Grishnack, that movie cannot come out. It's crap!
GGrishnack
Now don't be drastic, this happens all the time. We just happened to make another, what you call in this business, a real piece o' shit!
So you're not going to release it...
GGrishnack
Normally, a movie like this, I'd just, I'd just eat it and it would die, but since it's you, oh yeah, we're gonna put this out, and it's gonna make the money back. I don't care if it's gonna ruin your careers, I'm making my money back. It's Dethklok in a movie.
That's our reputation you're messing with, Grishnack!
GGrishnack
Alright, dildoes, listen up! I've been fucking over fathead celebrities since you were all shitting in diapers! Now, this movie, it's a 500 million dollar shit sandwich, and you're all gonna take a bite and you're gonna smile cause you love how it tastes! Got it? Now you go out there, your-your adoring public... I wrote all the reviews! Nobody knows what a good movie is anymore! Just shut up and smile! Remember: shit sandwich, tastes great! Now go!
Gentlemen. You've been receiving death threats from some of your fans.
Pickles the Drummer
So they're gonna die?
No, Pickles, they're threatening to kill you.
Pickles
That... that's a different thing!
Yes. Before the show, we should do a couple of safety briefings, I've outlined a very specific -
Right, well, anything else?
Any new ideas for the Dethmerch? I remember you all complaining that you were sick of -
Oh. Ja. Guys. Ares you ready? Dis is it.
Dis is... times travels face bag.
Time... travel... face bag, am I saying that right? Looks like you have uh, some plastic bags. What are you doing?
[voice muffled through the bag] We're traveling through time.
Yeah, you put the face bag on and travel through time!
[removes the bag] Dear God! You, boy in the street! What day is it?
Pickles
It is Wed - It's Friday! It's Friday!
I must have traveled through time itself!
We've uh, figured out how to travel through time at the speed of... regular time, with plastic bags.
Pickles
Dude, it was a fan attack! That's what Ofdensen warned us about!
Why do fans, feel that they have to do that? I mean what, to get noticed?
I know, there's so many nice kids out there, and just a couple of them gotta attack you? Spoils it for everyone!
I know. Sad... Sad for them.
Pickles
It is sad! It's sad for them!
It's pathetic, it just makes me feel sorry for them, that's all.
Pickles
Oh, must be a rescue team. Hey guys, DOWN HERE!
Pickles
IT'S US, DETHKLOK, STRANDED OUT IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE!
Oh, I hope they brought some fuckin' food!
I feel like eating cheese. Like, really fancy cheese, what's the name of that cheese, Renoir?
Pickles
Yeah, I could do that. Maybe a little Kool-Aid of, you know... of the, you know, the grape, persuasion...
That's what I'm talkin' about!
I remember when I was a child -
OOffdensen
Gentlemen, I have the recording schedules right here. You'll see that we need to get started on the new record pretty soon, so... [Dethklok is not paying any attention to him, the only sound is Murderface's knife on a plate] Uh. Nothin'?
Pickles
Can you just at least ask us how we're doing, or something? Y'know, before you start with all this... robotic crap? I mean, am I wrong?-
Yeah, you're all like, "Here's the schedule and now get to work, you ugly humps!" [offended] Ugly humps?!
Pickles
You're like a robot. You're like an... emotionless robot.
Robots are not to be trusted...
OOffdensen
Okay, fine. Uh. How are... all of you?
Hows ares wes? WE'S IN THE MIDDLE OF HAVINGS A FUCKING DINNERS MEAL! DATS HOWS WE AM!
Toki, you may clear the table, when you feel that it's time.
Any of you guys mind if I mace this stupid turkey?
Pickles
Aw, go ahead. I don't want no more.
OH, YEAH! [maces the turkey with a device attached to his crotch] Take that you stupid turkey! Right in you face!
OOffdensen
Uh... I'm sorry, what is that?
Oh, this a Pelvic Thrust Mace Belt.
You wanted to, talk to me ?
No, thank you. I'll stand.
Oh. We, We we wanted to say we're sorry. There. [chuckles] There you go. Get outta here.
You're sorry for... releasing dangerous criminals back into the streets?
No... about calling you a robot.
No you are not... and we know that must have made you feel bad.
Ands, listens, you's the bests butler we's ever had, so we no wants yous to quit.
I'm uh, not a butler... Nevermind. That's all, then?
Pickles
That's it. I mean, uh, we're glad you forced us out there again. Y'know, it felt good. Y-y-y'know, couple of things I would have done differently though, y'know, whatever ...
You mean like, not blind the stage driver and crash it into a prison of dangerous criminals?
Pickles
Heheh - no, that was a happy accident. Eeehh.
OOffdensen
It should be clear at this point that Toki is concerned about his role in the band.
What do you mean? He's, he's the rhythm guitar player, am I right?
OOffdensen
Yes, he, is, but he's been complaining that he doesn't get enough spotlight. And it's become apparent, uh, in the media. Take a look at that. [throws down a magazine that reads "Will Toki go to War for More Notes?"]
Pickles
What does he care? He don't even practice or nothin'. He doesn't write, he just shows up. That guy doesn't do anything!
HEY! He makes sandwiches, alright?
WOAH! THAT GUY DOESN'T DO ANYTHING!
OOffdensen
Well, uh, he is a band member, so try to, be nice to him.
[contemptuously] HEY HEY! Why don't you just uhhh, why don't you just get out of here and let the big boys deal with this one. Or maybe just write it down in that stupid little book, you know, you file away with all receipts for your lollipops and your pretzels, idiot.
OOffdensen
[offended] Uhh... excuse me?
I'm just messing with you, man! [snickers]
OOffdensen
You uh, sure about that?
[ingenuinely]] Yeah, just pallin' around. Just being a little dick, you know.
OOffdensen
Fine then, good day. [leaves]
Pickles
Wow you are a DICK!
Yeah you've got it down to a science!
You notice how I'm not mad. He gets mad. That's being a dick.
It's amazing just to be able to manipulate like that. Wow! What a gift!
Pickles
How do you just turn it on like that?
Well, it... It takes years boys. I mean- Pickles, you got something on your shirt right there. [puts a finger on his shirt]
Pickles
I do? [looks down and Murderface punches him]
Pickles
...Ow.
[Nathan, Murderface and Pickles are outside Skwisgaar's room] Okay you two, being a dick takes a lot of work. The objective guys, is to drive somebody crazy.
PNPickles & Nathan
Yeah, alright.
Skwisgaar's in there practicing away, let's drive him crazy. Follow my lead, and try to keep up...
[in a very high pitched voice] So uh... sounds like Toki's really gettin' going over there with a new guitar teacher!
Pickles
[also high pitched] Yeah, I went by his room... dude. He was doing stuff on that guitar, I was like, 'What? I ain't never heard nothin' like that!'
[still high pitched] I was like, 'Are you speeding up a tape with a guitar solo on there?!'
[very robotic in his voice] I-was-like-that-too! But-then-I-found-out-that-he-was-not!
[high pitched] No, he wasn't! He was really doin' it!
Pickles
[high pitched] Hey- OH, HI, SKWISGAAR!
[has stopped playing and has been listening to them] So he's getting prettys good, huh?
[normal voice] Yes, he's getting quite good.
If you don't minds, I maybe wants to bes by myself for a second?
[muffled through the door] NOOOOOOOOO!
Metalocalypse · 448 quotes
