Pickles the Drummer quotes from Metalocalypse

Sorry I'm late guys, I uh... just had another one a those, I-can't-figure-it-out dreams again, you know... I think I might be stupid.

Pickles the Drummer

How can you be stupid? You're famous!

Charles Ofdensen

That is true...

And yous a billionaire!

Dat sounds smart to me no matter how many times you slice it.

William Murderface

Hey quick! What's six times, um, er, uh... twelve!

Oh, hey, what the fuck?!

I gets punch for laughing?!

Laughing hurts more.

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But it's wrong!

Hey, I don't care how wrong it is. Just admit it; I'm a great speller and it burns you.

You're not a great speller! You got to spell right to be a speller!

So what? A guy hits a home run, but since he's fat it's not a home run? It's gotta be perfect? That's not the point.

Now that is the point! THAT - IS - SPELLING!

Ech, they can't helps it, Toki. Not everyone gets the advantage of superior Skanzanavians ekocationen.

Pickles

'Kay, name something that's got nothin' ta do with guitar go, go go go go go...

[unable to produce an answer] Oh, dum, dah, uh, oh, um, ah...

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Um, Nathans? What do yous do, before you're nervous, at a show?

You know what you do...

Pickles

Yeah, whaddaya you, whaddaya you do? [shakes a bottle of liquor in front of Nathan] What's Nathan do?

Just have a little drink!

That's it! I have a little drink! [starts drinking the entire bottle of liquor]

That's what you do!

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William Murderface

Can you pass that Prozac shaker? [Pickles hands him shaker]

Pickles the Drummer

[takes a spoonful from the box of ice cream Murderface is eating] Awww, this is soy ice cream! Skwisgaar!

[responds lethargically] Huuuh?

Pickles

...

Maybe I'm not perfect?

Nathan Explosion

At least you're not the fattest ugliest lead singer alive [holds up magazine cover] with horrible skin!

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Aww, it must be 200 degrees. Fuck this shit, I'm taking off my fucking shirt off.

Pickles

Wha - where are we?

MPMashed Potato Johnson

We in the south! The birth place of the blues.

Well it's too fucking hot! And I'm taking my shirt off!

My GOD, I have let myself go...

You have put on a few pounds lately -

You're, ah, not supposed to agree with me! Dick brain!

What are we even doing in this horrible microwave? I don't even care nothings about this blouse!

The blues.

Yeah. But all I cares about is dark and brutal!

You wanna know dark and brutal? Come with me.

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Pickles

Dude, anyone got any SPF? I'm uh, very Irish... American.

Real bluesman get a sun burn! Now go on Nathan, you can give Murderface them blues!

Okay, uh, alright alright. Uh, hey dog-face! Why don't you go... eat some dog food... eat your own throw up cause you're a dog-face!

Jeez, Nathan, you're a lil' below the belt, I guess I really do have a dog-face. Maybe I should throw up and eat it!

Good! Now you're feelin' them blues! You go on now, Murderface!

Okay, uhh, hey uhh thin-lips, uhh, why don't you go uhh, make out with uhh, Glenn Close and uhh, go bring her to the Academy Awards, shove it up your fucking ass, that's great!

Maybe you're right. Maybe I should use my crappy thin lips and make out with Glenn Close.

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Now you boys come a long way but some of you might not know. Down here in Mississippi, there's evil. The Blues Devil live down here. If you wanna be a real bluesman, you gotta sell your soul to the devil.

[Johnson and the Dethklok members gather on the road and wait for the Blues Devil, his car appears in the distance as dark clouds gather suddenly and lightning flashes. As he gets out, more lightning flashes.]

BDBlues Devil

I understand you wish to bargain your eternal souls for blues fame.

Yeah, uhh, hey uh, fancy pants, we're "Dethklok". We're kinda famous already?

Pickles

Oh, c'mon, we're supposed to become, uh, you know, uh blues guys. [to the Blues Devil] Sir? Sorry, hey we, uh, wish to "bargain our souls" you know, for whatever.

BDBlues Devil

Very well. You understand then that you will have to sign a binding contract. [lightning and thunder]

Well, see, our lawyer is not here.

Pickles

Well, it's not like we never negotiated a contract before.

[holding up a contract] Hold on! Page four, your language is kinda murky. Well that's gonna have to be re-written, I'm seeing other revisions too, page seven...

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[haltingly] Ares - yous - alrights - to drive?

Pickles the Drummer

Nyeah he's fine...

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Hey, ahh, I got yous Ken Burns Civil War documentary. You know, actually, uhh, I think this is yours. I'm just giving it back to you, [sigh] I uh, I never watched it.

Thank you.

And I got you this. It's two Siamese fighting fish! They loves to pal around, that's why you gets two. Look!

Yea, I guess I'm lucky to be alive, huh?

I mean am I, do I deserve to be here? Right now?

Pickles

Oooookay.

AHHHHH! [grabs William by the head and shakes him] I DID THIS TO YOU! [lets go] I was driving the Murdercycle. It should be me there! [dramatic music starts again] Still alive, with all those gifts. I'm sorry. I'M SORRY!!!! [punches the wall, which causes a flower pot to fall on William's head] OH GOD, I'M SORRY!

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Pickles

Ahh, c'mon, I grew up in the Mid-West, I don't need to see another Christian rock band!

Listen, I almost killed him, he needs our support, just give it a chance, see... it's... it's, it's not so bad. It's uhh, fun?

Oh, there is no God! Just listen to his guitar! Ugh!

I gonna go check out this Christian rock mosh pit!

PBPrayer Bolt Lead Singer

Yeah! Praise the lord!

I've seen enough. Pretty good.

[backs away into crowd]

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What kind of church is this?

Pickles

This is the, uhh, Church of the Atheists.

Oh, uhh, what does that mean?

Pickles

Oh, uhh, it means that they don't believe in, uhh, God.

Oh, like Skwisgaar or Toki?

No we are Nihilists, we don't believe in anything.

Can't a Nihilist also not believe in god, too?

Uhhh, I don't know.

Shhh! Quiet!

APAtheist Priest

Oh, God, whom we do not believe in, let us all not pray for you whom does not exist in any rational realm...

APAtheist Priest

Oh no, we're being picketed by agnostics!

Pickles

[informing the band] Agnostics honor the possibility of there not being God.

APAtheist Priest

Get 'em!

Pickles

They hate each other. This is gonna be awesome.

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[peering out the window] Just give me a sign. Show me the path of enlightenment, dear, sweet demilord icon.

I don't wants to sounds harsh, but this is gettin' weird. He's been through every religion and he ain't decide on nothing. This kind of thing could really fucks up a band. We mays needs to kicks his ass out.

Pickles

What do you mean? Why do you say that?

Because he's creepy. He's acting likes he's fucking demon-possessed. Look at him!

Yah I agree, it always happens. One band member, y'know, becomes religion, and the whole band has to change to accommodate the guy, y'know... the dynamic is all the boom, magic is gone... it sucks, y'know but, uh, yeah I say we kill him.

Aw come on, you dicks, he's the bass player. Without him, we're nothing. Sure, we mix his bass out of pretty much every song, but we need him. [pause] Okay, we really don't need him, but it's my fault he's this way; I guess that's my point!

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FPFootball Player

Little Juliette Sarmansadandle - she does not have much time left. With our foundation, she gets one last wish, and what is that sweetie?

JSJuliette Sarmansadandle

I want to meet Toki.

Charles Ofdensen

Toki, the "Wish For Something" foundation, ah, wants you to be its poster boy - quite an honour... sick and helpless children -

I pass!

Ofdensen

I'm sorry?

I'm not associating myself with kids.

Ofdensen

These ones are dying, Toki -

Ohh, good.

Pickles the Drummer

Awwwh, c'mon, Toki, you don't mean that -

Yes I dos! Dead!

Ofdensen

All you would have to do is spend a few hours, just talking to children, just -

Well how comes I can'ts sits around and drinks like Pickle? How come I can'ts fucking sits around and screws sluts or somesing? But no, you are the cutesy guy, that kids like. You gotta helps people, gets over their problem, fuck that! You dos it!

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Yeaaaaaaahhhhhhh, see you in your nightmares, dickweeds, ahhhhhh!

Toki is losing his mind, he is.

Pickles the Drummer

[drunkenly and incoherently] Yeah, mmyeah, acting weird.

I know. I've never seen him like this, he's turnin' into a real asshole.

Nathan Explosion

[has lost his voice] Can we kick him out of the band?

Pickles

Woah, woah, woah, woah, ooh... okay, alright, relax... here's what you do... he sleeps, sack, bar of soap, bang bang bang! Brain damage, corn field, gun, pow [makes sound of gun], funeral...

Oh I, thats mays bes a littles toos hards fors mes tos handle.

Pickles

[quietly] Well, fire him then!

Ahhh, maybe you're right. Looks like I'll have to cancel Planet Piss, DAMN IT!

Pickles

Why?

Ja, why?