OOffdensen
I can not, in good faith, sign off on this citizen's firing.
OOffdensen
Because, uh, some of the other band mates neglected to vote.
I said it once, and I’ll say it again: Voting sucks!
PicklesI was actually the president of the voting-sucks club in high school.
Pickles
Well, I never got re-elected.
OOffdensen
Well, Toki, I don’t know what to say. Either you work this out with Skwisgaar, or you’ll have a bigger decision to make.
No, I nots works its out! [leaves the room.]
See? See! Right there! I can’ts even talks to him! He’s unrationals!
OOffdensen
Well..there you go.
Thanks you. And nows, I demonstrates the name of the string. Dis one i-is an E. And uh, Dere’s another E, heres, and the G, and the P, and the C. Those are what’s called, the fret. [gets nervous] Dat’s, Dat’s not a string, but its, its near the string and- uh, nevermind dat, lets..play the scale, dat’s the major scales on the guitars, string, [heart beats faster.] No! I can’ts dos this!
Can’ts do this anymore master, I can’ts take more piano lessons!
Whatever! I just wish I could be...[cries]
Shhhhh…shhh. It’s just as well. I’m dying boy. I’m dying. [coughs]
Toki! Stop! I wants yous to have this. Dis is ans importance to you. Dat you have, a magical things with dat guys right there, and I now know, dat you never gots good at guitars. So, its ok for you to have dis relations-ips.
[from a balcony] HEY! OVER HERE! I'M SORRY! I KNOW IT WAS WRONG TO HAVE MANIPULATED YOU! IF I COULD TAKE IT BACK I WOULD! I WAS WRONG!
Skwisgaar! Yous were afraids that I was better than you?
Pickles
[also from a balcony] STOP! OVER HERE! DON'T QUIT THE BAND TOKI! I'M SORRY! I SHOULDN'T HAVE MANIPULATED THE SITUATION!
Pickles
YEAH!?
IT'S NATHAN! UM I ALREADY SAID ALL THAT STUFF, LIKE, ALREADY.
Pickles
YOU DID!?
Yes Toki. Deh bands needs you. Even thoughs you don'ts do nothing.
[also from a balcony] STOOOOP! I'M SORRY! SORRY ABOUT BEING A DICK BUT SOMETIMES IT'S HARD TO SUPPRESS THE URGE OF RUINING OTHER PEOPLES LIVES! WHY DOESN'T EVERY ONE OF YOU JUST GO KILL YOURSELF, IDIOTS! I'M SORRY I'M JUST BEING A DICK!
Wowee. You really are...my family.
Boy...I just wanna say one thing before I go. I love you boy. [coughs] I...love...yee- [dies]
So that's just a rough mix of some of the stuff you've been uh...working on.
That's kinda nots too terriblys uh...wonderful is it now? Am I right?
No no no, it's not it's uh...dragging.
Yeah yeah, it's just...it's just too confining.
Pickles
Too digital.
Pickles
Needs work.
Sorry if we have very learn-ed sensitive musical ears.
Yeah. Toki is right, sorry if we got very good ears.
Uh...Murderface, that's Murderface, I'm Murderface, that's my name.
It sounds like microchips.
Yeah, Pickles is right you know. Who was clearly the one who said that.
I just said that, not Pickle!
Uh, that's a good Pickles impression that's for sure. Right Pickles?
Pickles
...
I SAID "RIGHT PICKLLLLLLES!!!"
Pickles
It sounds like microchips. In ones and zeros-
You guys are fucking deaf! You know that? You can't tell the difference between anything! Can you fucking hear me? DAMMIT CAN ANY OF YOU FUCKING HEAR ME?!
OK, we've moved all the tracks onto water, so you wanna take 5 on the horsing around?
....
Hey hey! Record this ready? Ready?
Pickles
Yeah I'm ready.
Okay. [recording sequence starts] Pbbbbbbbb ohhhh ahhhhh oh la la la la la la [claps five times] Play that back for me Pickles. [Pickles plays it back]
Pickles
It seems kinda cleared.
It's actually clearer than when he did it.
Hey play that back for me one more time, Pickles, just one more time. [Pickles does so] Yeah I gotta get a copy of that for myself. On water.
Yeah! Burn it on water! [more talking at once] I'm gonna throw up! RECORD IT I'M GONNA THROW UP!
Pickles
Okay! Press record, record quick quick! [Knubbler pushes a button labeled "Record"; Murderface throws up]
Oh that's gonna sound good!
Yeah, I'm gonna add it to my water collection!
Why do they have us right here in front of all these dildos?
Pickles
Yeah, I mean, we're like, right in front of everything.
Ya, it's likes, deys, gawking at us, likes, a bunch of fish that can'ts close their eyes.
Look at that guy. Right there.
Pickles
Look at that douche.
Nathan:: Look at that douchebag.
Looks at thats douchebag!
Pickles
Look at that douchebag.
Pickles
Douchebag.
STSkwisgaar/Toki/Murderface/Pickles
Douchebag, douchebag, douchebag, douchebag, douchebag, douchebag, douchebag...
I'm getting so irritated by these stupid fans!
[dialing a number on his dethfone] Hey we just saw you on TV at the parade! It was awesome! [whispers] Hey when you get back, we're gonna have a surprise party!
Gimme the phone! Gimme the phone! Gimme the phone! Gimme the phone! [Murderface continues talking] Gimme the phone! GIMME THE PHONE!
HOLD ON! Here's Nathan. [gives phone to Nathan]
Hiiiiiii! WE JUST SAW YOU ON THE PARADE! IT WAS GREAT!
Oh yeah! WE'RE HAVING A PARTY FOR YOU WHEN YOU GET BACK!
[plugging his other ear] IT'S GONNA BE AWESOME!
Pickles
Ask them what they want at the-
I will! I will! Hold on! Hold on!
We gets the bounce house!
Pickles
Tell 'em about the BALLOONS!
WE'RE GONNA HAVE BALLOONS! [Offdensen enters the room] I gotta go, goodbye. [hangs up]
OOffdensen
What were you going on the phone? You're supposed to be doing your jobs.
Jobs? I play bass not to have a job!
OOffdensen
You're supposed to be preparing for the concert! Nathan, you're in charge. How's rehearsal going?
Well it umm... uhhh oh uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh good.
OOffdensen
What happened back there, huh? What was that?
Pickles
We don't know!
(distressed) We no means it, it was accidenskal! We not at fault!
OOffdensen
"Blood Bath" does not read well in print, you know what I'm saying--
(yelling) WE CAN'T DO ANYTHING RIIIIIGHT!
OOffdensen
Listen, great men throughout history have used doubles. Men who needed to stay alive for the greater good of their people, much like yourselves. Men like Winston Churchill, Joseph Stalin-
Awesome! I'm Stalin, I called it.
Pickles
I'm Nixon!
I wants to be Bill Cosby!
You ever think of just, you know, giving it all up?
Ah, you means, like, kills yourself.
No. What? No, I mean, like, stopping being famous, become a regular old jackoff.
...And so then kill yourself?
No, no, stopping being famou...yeah, you can kill yourself if you want to.
Pickles
You know, it would be great, to walk down the street, and not be bothered for once.
Pickles
I don't know, walk down the street, you know.
Pickles
I don't know, walk to a store. Walk to a store.
Then buys it on the internet, have it delivered!
Pickles
I know I can buy it on the internet, but what if I want to walk to the park, you know, and look at swans?
Well maybe you should have thought about that before you got famous!
OOffdensen
Well..uh, I'm afraid its time to say goodbye to your doubles.
OOffdensen
I know they are, Toki.
Pickles
Then we do we gotta say goodbye to 'em?
OOffdensen
BECAUSE, Pickles, they no longer look like you, that was the point. Their skin is burned, they dont even have features.
What if we burned ourselves to look like dems! Dens maybes we could keeps them!
That would work! You know it would! Come on, lets burn ourselves!
OOffdensen
That is out of the question, Murderface, you are not going to burn-
Your out of the question!
OOffdensen
I'm afraid its time for you to, uh, say goodbye to your doubles now.
Let us do it, its better if they hear it from us. Because we're them, after all.
Ya know, theres never an easy ways to dos this.
Yeah, but ya know, sometimes, we're out of options, sometimes.
Pickles
Ya know, business is not personal. And...in this case, its.. it is.. cause its us.. your us.. and..
Ugh. I hate having to say this, but...
Easy, easy, I got a smoother way of, uh, explaining it here. Guys, uh..I don't know..[begins digging into his pocket acting as if he is scratching] itch or cramp 'er something...pulls up his shotgun] See the thing is- [Murderface fires his gun]
My god, how can you eat that?!
Pickles
(Mouthful) What are you talking about? This is a hot dog.
How can you even put that in your mouth?
Pickles
Are you trying to tell me you've never had a hot dog?
Pickles
Never, never?
No way, I ain't putting anything shaped like that in my mouth!
What about that sausage, that was cut up into little pieces?
Uh no, cause it looks- it's like a chopped up cock.
What about like a sandwich?
Yeah, if it were a flat sandwich.
Okay, what about a sandwich shapped like a dick?
NO, that's the point! What kind of sandwiches are shaped like dicks?!
(Chuckling) I don't know, like -
Pickles
Man, you think about penises in mouths all the time, don't you?
Pickles
Well you do!
Oh God, give me my wipes!
Pickles
Well you did, yeah. Yeah you said- you said "Penis in mouth" about a hundred times today.
No, because it was like "Oh, you've never had a hot dog". I just wanted to say "No", and it would be fine. And then "Oh, what about this and what about that" and "No it's like a dick and no it's like a dick". You guys do it all!
Wow, you really keep thinking about dick all day long.
Yeah, you do. You keeps bringing up the subject.
YOU BRING IT UP! I just said I don't! No, I wanted it over. GOD!
I would eat the hot dogs. (Short Pause) Just putting it out there.
Pickles
Hey, am I going crazy or these clothes tight, like extra tight?
Yeah, it feels like I'm this sausage, you know?
Oh, just stop with the innuedos, please?!
It wasn't even an in- I just said "You lept to a conclusion".
I do agree, these clothes are un-fucking-comfortable.
Okay. We gotta figure out this food bullshit. Toki, Skwisgaar, you guys did some online food research, lets hear it!
Okay. Everyone says ons dis page, dats we gots to cuts out thems carbobydrates.
Yeah, no mores of thems carbokikrates.
Oh you know, uh pisgetti...uh...
Uh, paper towels...you know...
Pickles
Oh, well that's easy! No more of that stuff, that's cool. You know?
Well, can't we have at least like a little bread?
I mean we don't have to be like hunger nazi's to our stomachs.
I know that's reasonable, like a sandwich here or there.
All rights, you know...uh whatever...uh yeah okay...it also says, dats we... the less foods we eats....the mores less fats we gets on ourselves.
So...we starve ourselves a little.
Pickles
Yeah that's fine.
Hey. What if we just ate like one really big meal. And then just eat nothing the rest of the day?
Yeah, that sounds like it'll works.
Yeah that's good I guess.
Maybe we should eat that meal right before we go to sleep. So there's just nothing left to do but digest.
That sounds like a good idea. So you could just sleep it off.
...losing weight by sleeping.
Hey how about Popsicles? That's like for snack? So we're not having our really big meal- just Popsicles.
Pickles
Dude, ain't that the shape of a you-know-what?
[muttering] Yeah...like Popsicles are just like water...
Guys, I don'ts thinks that sounds rights, does Popsicle-
SKWISGAAR! SKWISGAAR! Popsicles are like drinking a glass of water, okay?! What are we supposed to do, cut out water too?!
Pickles
Yeah, what are we supposed to do on a hot day? What? Not eat popsicles?
How could you not eat a Popsicle?!
All right, all right. Popskockles we cans have.
All right let me get this straight. One really big meal a day, then we go to sleep, no paper towels but a little bit of bread because we're not nazis, and as many popsicles as we want.
Pickles
Dudes...[chuckling] We're on a diet.
GOD I'M STARTING TO GET REALLY HUNGRY!
LET'S GET SOMETHING TO EAT!
I'LL GET A PEPPERONI PIZZA!
Metalocalypse · 448 quotes
