Pickles the Drummer quotes from Metalocalypse

All I'm sayin' is that I did most of the numbers right? [tense music starts] So I did most of the work right? So all I need, is percentage. What I need to get started, get the labeling, you know. Phones. Chicks to answer the phones, desks, all that stuff. [tense music gets louder] Just need a couple bucks. You just sign a check, [holds up a check] see? I already wrote a check. Right there, you just sign. Alright. I know what your PIN number is. That's not a threat. So just - I'm the real deal, okay. I'm no one of those frickin' assholes you meet sometimes. [Pickles putts the golf ball]

Pickles

[tense music stops] Why don't we talk about this cool stuff when I come over and visit next weekend?

I'll remember that. You just tell me, where and when. Send me a plane ticket, send me an e ticket.

Pickles

TIME TO GO! Time to go! Everyone get packed up... where's the folks? He - heyyyyy -

Skwisgaar

Ugh. Can't comes even faster. This sour stomach ever since my mom's been here?

Nathan

Toki hasn't said one word!

Toki

[still catatonically silent]

William

Maybe they died in their sleep.

[approaches Dethklok members] Alright dudes, may I have a word with you?

Pickles

Oh, not now bro, we gotta see everybody off for now, for good, to the airport! Guhhh... where are they?

Okay, here's the deal. Everyone's in the studio right? We're gonna have a lil' pow-wow.

Nathan

The studio?

We are going to do a Dethklok family Death metal album! There it is, I said it. Okay? And I got it all figured out. Everybody's on board. Now we can all enjoy the fruits of our talents! After all, [to Pickles] hey, you're my little brother. I friggin' love you. But you got all your ideas about music from me first! [tense music starts] The idea to become a rock n' roll star, that was mine. So face it; you owe me! [Pickles starts to choke him, causing him to stutter] You'll be making a percentage!

Pickles

For once it is not about the money! I don't want my parents doing a fucking metal album!

[still being choked] I can't take this away from them! We're family!

Pickles

The hell you talkin' about?!

Nathan

We are the most brutal band in the world! What do any of you know about being brutal?

William

Yeah!

Help me!

Skwisgaar

Now you guys better check out or you'll has each other's lunch for dinners!

Pickles

OWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW!

Oh, you gutless pieces of living garbage! You think you know what it's like to be brutal? [sprays William with pepper spray]

William

OWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW!

Can you imagine cleaning the feculent crud off this moron's diapers every morning? [sprays William again]

William

AHHHHHHHHHHHHH!

Let me tell you billionaire lowlives something, there's nothing, NOTHING, in this world more brutal and grotesque than raising children!

Rose Explosion

You ruined my vagina!

I could never lose the weight after you were born! And look at the veins in my bosom, they're like a roadmap of Stockholm!

I used to be happy... until you! When I started spending all my time with HER, and I spent all my beer money on little kid's clothes! That's brutal!

Nathan Explosion

You should know that we don't really let anybody in here.

Relax, Tonto, don't get all neurotic on me, jeez. I'm just going to observe you all. Now I want you all to be yourselves. Act like I'm not here, go!

Pickles the Drummer

Don't worry, I've been tryin' to do that since yeh got here.

Well then it shouldn't be a problem then, should it, SMARTASS?!

Pickles

Dude, no hitting.

... with considerable pressure, the hard and marble-like lens can jettison back into their own eyes, blinding them.

Nathan

Huh...I didn't know that.

William Murderface

I did. [sticks food into his mouth with his knife; Twinkletits enters the room]

Band meetin' everyone, BAND MEETIN'!

Pickles

Dude, you may be a therapist, but you can't call a band meeting!

Yes I can! For the purpose of these exercises, I am a band member! To reward Toki for great work today, I should like to give him something that the rest of you may one day earn.

[whispers] The banana sticker! [heavenly chorus sounds]

Murderface

How come he gets a banana sticker? Don't I get one?

No, Murderface, you do not get a banana sticker, not until you have proven yourself! Until then, these banana stickers shall remain locked in here.

Hey, ah, this is John Twinkletits, ah. Remember me? I was in the Amazlingtons with you. Just want to let you that I'm in another band and we're called Dethklok. No big whoop. No big whoop. Just give me a call back whenever you can, but then again you probably can't BECAUSE I KILLED YOU.

Toki

I'm telling you he's crazy.

Murderface

How could you say something like that? He's a genius.

Nathan

Alright, this is getting completely out of control. Twinkletits thinks he's in our band. I think we gotta fire 'em.

Toki

Wait, we can do that?

Nathan

Yeah. I just found out we can fire anybody we employ.

Can we's fires ourselves?

Nathan

Yeah, no, I... I found that out too.

Pickles

Can we give ourselves a raise?

Nathan

Yeah, I mean I think so. Don't quote me on that, but I think we can.

Pickles

Oh, dude, then I, you know I give myself a raise right now.

Ja, I give me a raise too.

Toki

I give myself a solid gold telephone.

Murderface

I give myself a bunch of boats. Wit' a bunch of... Vietnamese people on 'em... on fire.

Pickles

Dudes. I just thought about something. If we fire Twinkletits, then we ain't gonna see no more banana stickers.

Toki

Look. The wol-e-ves eat him.

Skwisgaar

Yes, Toki, and his body will nourish the wolves.

Toki

I believe the cycle of learning is complete.

Skwisgaar

Indeeds. Alls of us should learns a lesson.

Pickles

Yeah. And what lesson might that be?

Skwisgaar

I haves no idea. But it's pretty metal that he's being eaten, look at that right there.

Nathan

[videotaping Twinkletits getting eaten by the wolves] I loved him. I ... can say that now.

William

Now that he's dead, it's much easier to say emotional things about him.

Pickles

Guys, maybe this is weird to say, but am I the only one who is being made to feel hungry by watching this?

Nathan

[pause] Let's eat!

Nathan Explosion

Hey! We were watching that.

Pickles the Drummer

Dude, right, so you could make fun of me, I know.

Skwisgaar Skwigelf

No way, to compliments you, you were such a beautifuls lady back then. Maybe, yous all favor us with a few make-ups tips.

Pickles the Drummer

Eh hahaha. That's really funny.

William Murderface

It's exciting! Turn it back on! I wanna see what happens!

Pickles

What do you mean? I'm here! That's what happened! That's the end of the story.

William

Well it's boring when you say it.

Pickles

I know.

Toki Wartooth

Pickle? [sigh] this Snakes 'N' Barrel, it's not my cup of tea. It sucks!

Pickles

Well, it's not a nice thing to say, Toki.

Toki

Not my fault it sucks.

Charles Ofdensen

Snakes 'N' Barrels' record sales have gone through the roof since the documentary began airing, and there's interest of a reunion tour -

Pickles

Okay.

Pickles

Stop! Stop! Stop! For the love of god. Sweet lord. Have you people forgotten how to play? That sounded awful.

No way man, we're better than ever.

Pickles

Dude. You're sitting on the outside of the drumkit.

Sammy

No I ain't. Oh wait, you're right. Sorry. That's why it felt weird.

Pickles

Hey Bullets, what's this thing you're wearing, what is this?

It's an invention of mine. It's a strapless guitar that also functions as a girdle. Its called a gu-girdle-itar.

Nathan

Hey... good luck on your show tonight.

Pickles

Oh, hey, thanks. I gotta get ready back here, if you don't mind.

Skwisgaar

Go gets them. Haves a really great show... do that for me.

Pickles

...Yeah, I gotta, you know get ready -

William

Just don't forget about us... [raises his beer bottle] He's a good kid!

Pickles

Ohhh, you're acting weird.

Nathan

We just, you know, umm, we care about you.

Skwisgaar

Yeah, if you gets a problems with thats, then, well I guess that's just sad.

Pickles

Oh God, I'm not leaving Dethklok, I've told you this a billion times, okay? I'm just doing this for fun!

Nathan

Yeah, well, it's not brutal you know... Snakes 'N' Barrels isn't brutal.

Pickles

I know.

Nathan

Okay.

Pickles

Okay.

Nathan

Just do a great job! And don't leave us! I gotta get going, YOUR MUSIC SUCKS AND YOU'RE AN ASSHOLE! ...I'm having a hard time expressing myself.

Pickles

Will you guys get the hell out of here? I'm supposed to be going over the songs.

Skwisgaar

Oh ja? Well then where's your stupid band?

Pickles

[gasp] I don't even know where they are!

Pickles

Okay, let's uh... kick ass tonight!

Sammy

Oh wait, I almost forgot, we got some Totally Awesome Sweet Alabama Liquid Snake from a dude.

Pickles

Oh, come on guys, I don't wanna encourage any kinda dr- okay, I'll do it!

Apparently, Snakes 'N Barrels were giving psychotropic drugs that have erased their memories, except for Pickles which the drugs had no effect on whatsoever.

Pickles

I grew up smokin' government weed everyday you know, I had kiddie glaucoma, don't ask me! I'm immune to just about everything.

Nathan

Most brutal album, huh? Ugh, I hate to say it, they're right! It's an amazing album! Congratulations Pickles. It's so chilling!

Murderface

What a great way to go out too! I only hope we can end that way! Clawing our eyes out, throwing up acid blood!

Toki

I officially take backs whatever I said about Snakes 'N' Barrels. You're amazing!

Skwisgaar

This music is likes potato chips. I can't stops listening to it! Plays it again!

Pickles

Alright.