Pickles the Drummer quotes from Metalocalypse

Nathan

And now, the blackest present for the most brutal of all bass players... [the gift box falls open, empty] ... NOOOOTHING!

Murderface

Oh, you suck! You all suck!

Nathan

Awwww, what's wrong?

Skwisgaar

Ah yeah, go play records backwards and kill yourself.

Pickles

Hey fatso! We got your favorite thing: disappointment!

Nathan

Attention! You big baby!

Skwisgaar

Ah, what are you doing? Going for a crybaby walk?

Murderface

Hey! Why's everybody wearing camouflage? Joining the Marines?

Nathan

We wanted to, uhh, surprise you. In outfits.

Murderface

Y'look like stupid Navy Seals.

Nathan

That's part of the surprise.

Murderface

Why?

Nathan

Because it makes us harder to see! That's awesome.

Pickles

Hey douchefag! [a car is lowered in front of Murderface] Happy Birthday!

Nathan

Well, what do you think?

Toki

Big fat tires and everything!

Murderface

But I already got, like, a million limos.

Pickles

Dude, not like this one. This is the limo that Kennedy got his brains smashed open in with a bullet! [makes gunshot noises]

Nathan

It's all souped up... and desecrated.

Skwisgaar

Yeah, dude, and the driver's seat is the chair from, like, where President Wrinkloln was shot. And assassinated in.

Pickles

And... you're entered in the first-ever Dethklok Dethmolition Klok-a-matae Deth Derby!

Toki

And I made you this macaroni murder lady. What used to be the red hots were the blood, but I ates them.

Murderface

You mean I get to destroy United States history... LITERALLY!? [sheds a tear of blood]

Toki

[picks up Dethphone, its spikes poking him in the face] This is heavy. It hurts my face. Boy, I really hates it.

Charles Ofdensen

Well, it's your design. You may have been drunk, but you made a really convincing case to me.

Nathan

All right, you know we get really, really excited about really bad ideas when we drink, and it's your job to talk us out of it.

Ofdensen

Oh, I tried. I tried very hard, but you all threatened to kill me, if you don't remember.

Pickles the Drummer

So? Big deal, those threats aren't new.

Pickles

Friends, we're... we're not used to the whole apologizing thing. We're not professional apologizers. We're... musicians. So, we wrote a song for you, a new national anthem. We took the lyrics straight from your Finnish folklore book of necronomic spells.

Nathan

You may recognize this one, though it hasn't been sung for a few thousand years. "Awaken, awaken, Mustakrakish, the Lake Troll".

Pickles

Dudes, I'm turning on my Dethphone and I'm hearing Murderface. Wait a minute! Do we just get one phone line in five phones?!

Toki

That's brutal.

Pickles

So wait - we can't make any out-calls?! Dude, Murderface, get off the phone! Please! Get off the phone!

Murderface

Okay, hold on. I just need to check my messages.

You have 67 new telephone answering machine digital phone wireless fidelity Dethfone messages. To hear the messages, press "1" on the keypad located on the front of the phone. Preparing to play answering machine number message number one. After this message, would you like to save, or delete, or replay this message, please listen to the directions that will follow the message...

Nathan

Oh man, this thing's just designed to eat up minutes. It's brutal.

Murderface

What are those wooden things? Chairs?

They are acoustic instruments.

Toki

What is acoustic? Oh, you mean a grampa's guitars?

Skwisgaar

A grampa's guitars? That's for pussies and grampas. I think you know it.

It's your only choice, I'm afraid.

Pickles

Whoa, this is a tough one guys.

Nathan

Pickles is right, we have a tough choice. Playing acoustic is totally lame and not metal. But then again, if we don't put that troll back to sleep, we may never be able to check our e-mail with high-speed DSL again.

The lyrics clearly state: "Go into the water, go into the water. Live there, die there." Well, my clients all tried to breathe water and nearly died because of this "Underwater Album" by your band, Dethklok.

Pickles the Drummer

Why don't you... go breathe underwater?

I suggest that it was your intention to create an album that caused destruction to human life!

William Murderface

Suggest all you want! It won't make your weenie any bigger, you dildo-licker!

This band is a danger to the human race!

Skwisgaar Skwigelf

You's a danger of putting us to asleep. I would'a brought a sleepinsbag if I knows this guys was gonna show up.

Your Honour, we DEMAND 50 million dollars for medical bills and punitive damages.

Toki Wartooth

Hey, how 'bout we compromise...

Nathan Explosion

We'll give you half... of NOTHING!

Charles Ofdensen

The album clearly states "Intended for fish only". I rest my case.

Not guilty!

Toki

Well, we wins that.

Nathan

Whatever.

Skwisgaar

You preferred that we'd lose?

Nathan

Nah, I was just thinking about the next album.

Pickles

Oh, right. You mean how we're supposed to top an album that made a million people accidentally kill themselves?

Nathan

Exactly.

Ohhh.

Murderface

Hey, why don't we just record people dying? Like all the world's leaders, or a bunch of ladies. That would be heavy.

Pickles

Yeah, we can't get writer's credit for something like that.

Murderface

Good point. You're up, Judge Alfanso!

Oh, thank you William.

Pickles

Okay, we are gonna delight you all with a little improvisational comedy. Now all we need to start is one location.

HOW 'BOUT A DIFFERENT COMEDY CLUB? [laughter]

Pickles

Okay, I heard a... gas station.

Murderface

I'm a gas station attendant!

Pickles

[sitting on a stool pretending to hold a steering wheel] Fill her up, I am driving a Corvette. It is, midnight blue with-

HEY PIPPY-LONG-BORING! YOU SUCK! [laughter]

Pickles

Can't you fill it up just a little bit faster?

Murderface

Well I'm trying! I JUST CAN'T SEEM TO FIND A FUCKING GAS TANK!

Pickles

That's because it's a stool Murderface!

HEY, IDIOT! DON'T NEGATE THE PREMISE! [laughter]

Pickles

It's on - it's on - it's over there - wherever. Just please hurry. I would like to leave this horrible place...

Murderface

Ahhh, I should check the oil... better go get my tools. You know what? I'm gonna leave... this sucks! Good luck dying out there!

Pickles

Are you leaving?

Murderface

Yes I'm leaving!

Pickles

Well, I really hate myself.

Toki

Pickle, you back! We think you gone for good!

Pickles

So, anysways, I just got back from vacation. I went to the beach...for vacation...and...you know what I got at the beach?

[no response]

Pickles

SAND!!! [throws sand to the crowd]

Pickles

Donated blood the other day, not mine.

[laughs]

Pickles

Wanna see me donate some blood to you guys? yeah?[pulls out a large hose from under the curtain to spray the audience with blood, while yelling]

Skwisgaar

I just want to climbs into a hole and not deals, you know? Right, Toki?

Skwisgaar

What, you're not talking to me?

Nathan

I'll never not be embarrassed by my parents.

William

It's repugnant. I'd rather be Sanded Faceless than grow old and... repugnant like that.

Pickles the Drummer

I know! I think we all wish those guys were dead. Maybe we can just take them out to dinner and get them off our back.

Nathan

Eh, you're right. [he turns to their families standing right next to him] So what do you feel like eating?

Pickles

[enters restroom] I AM GONNA LOSE MY MIND! MY PARENTS JUST BRAG AND BRAG ABOUT MY BROTHER! [mocking high-pitched voice] "Oh, he's in a room above the garage!" [normal voice] BIG DEAL, HE'S AN EX-CON! [breathes from an inhaler, pants for breath] I haven't used one of these things in like 15 years.

Nathan

[enters restroom, slamming the door open] WHAT THE FUCK?!

Skwisgaar

This whole thing gives me a case of my stomachs throw-up!

William

Don't worry about it, your mom seems cool!

Skwisgaar

She was the most prosqueeminous women in Swedens, haves sex with everybody! Pffft! Thanks mom!

Nathan

The fact that my parents had sex in order to create me makes me want to be buried alive.

William

My grandma has an odor that's so very wrong and she wants me to buy that bastard a wheel chair. SHE WON'T SHUT UP ABOUT IT!

Pickles

Why do we make it so hard on ourselves? We'll just solve it like any other problem!

William

Of course! We have them put to sleep!

Pickles

No, we'll lie! We'll lie through our teeth and throw money at them! We'll buy that bastard a wheel chair, take them to miniature golf or whatever the fuck people do. We'll pretend we're interested in what they're askin', and when that weekend's over, we'll ship them outta here, never to be seen again. Deal?

William

Okay.